another chapter?

sooo as i drove to therapy today, past the Mater, where 'he' works, i found myself wondering what the next chapter with him will be....if there is to be another chapter

it's been a while now, and each time he goes silent (funny, even as i type that, i realise that it's probably not his intention to be silent, but more, that he is just busy and living his life) i go through an interesting reconstruction phase

initially, i hold out for contact, because he has said he will get in touch...then after a coupla days i forget, and realise that me holding out for it, won't make it so...and then i feel a bit angry and disappointed, but really, that's because of the expectations i have of him, which have not yet come anywhere near close to being fulfilled...and then there is the resignation

and it seems, that just as i hit that resignation phase, he pops back up! wonder if he has someone telling him what phase i'm in...wonder if he psychically knows and it's his way of not disappearing altogether...or perhaps that's just my belief in universal powers, and it is nothing more than co-incidence?? and maybe just maybe it's me ascribing a lot more to it, than there really is...me and my dreams! who knew that being a dreamer was so bloody time consuming...

i don't know...each time it seems to get easier and i thought it was gonna be really hard after our last 'interactions' (which you may recall got us to 'how did we get here?') but it seems somehow to have been easier...it has a feel of finality about it, as if we have broken the last straw...

and then there is the trip from home to therapy each time i go, feeling as though i should go the back way and avoid the pacific highway and the mater...but really, why should i? why should i change my habits? the chances of running into him are slim...i mean he had lived here for 4 years before he made contact and we NEVER once ran into each other then, but it feels (to me at least) like knowing he is here, means it's more likely that we will bump into each other, or maybe it's just hope...but even if we did bump into each other, i wonder what i would do? what we would say? whether it would be uncomfortable following the last things we said to each other? and then there is my stubborn side that says 'i've lived here a lot longer than you so i'm not going to change my life so i am not reminded of you'

yep, i'm sure that's gonna work out really well! but really, i don't want there to be constant reminders of him, because for a time there is going to be one of 2 responses to the thought of him: a) the bad stuff, what he did, our past etc and b) the fantasy which sure is kinda nice to entertain, but it's futile....so i don't want to be reminded of him

i don't...

but slowly slowly the fantasy is dying, the distance between it and reality is starting to feel like a massive gaping space...

so i wonder, in that massive gaping space, will there be another chapter?