comments....

mmmm so in the spirit of openness and this being a public blog and all, i decided to publish the comment that came through this morning...

and sure, you may look at it and think yep, makes sense, this guy is dicking you around etc etc and he sounds like an arsehole (meaning someone who is not worthy of being in my life)...and i completely agree...

but you know what? it's actually more complicated than that and i guess, i am struggling enough with what to do, when to do it etc etc...then, to see the comment this morning i guess it made me question myself...and not in a good way

turns out i have struggled over the years to make decisions for myself - would seem as though the pressure of what i should do, or what everybody else expected me to do, weighed heavily in my decisions...leaving me and what i wanted, nowhere...

now i totally get that is in my control - sort of! i also know that our experiences shape us, not only our view of self, but how we behave...and for me, decision making and putting myself first have almost NEVER gone hand in hand...it's improving slowly, but like everything, it takes time...changing the patterns of a lifetime is not something you can do overnight (apparently...)

it is! with the help of good friends, my therapist, my own determination to understand and then change some of my faulty thinking...but it takes time...

sooo like everything the situation with Chris is going to take time to resolve, and right now, i don't want to feel the pressure of the people in my life to do it because they are bored of hearing me talk about it, of listening to my struggle or because they know that he is no good for me and i should know better...

well, maybe i should, but nobody but me TRULY understands my relationship with him...with all the various elements and layers...nope, only i understand that, and honestly, some days even i don't feel as though i do yet, and therein may be the reason why i cannot yet say goodbye to him...even though of course, like you (whoever you are), i agree he is no good for me...

i get on so many levels that having him in my life is not good, but i wholeheartedly believe that he turned up for a reason...and whilst in my head i know that reason was so that i could work through some of the stuff that has been left unturned for so long, the stuff that is ultimately the barrier to me having the sort of relationship i want...it is a reason none the less, and i find myself drawn into wanting 'something' with him, whatever that is...i'm not even sure i'm sure...

but it's a process...

and i won't feel pressured into doing anything that isn't right for me, no matter how blindingly obvious it may look from the outside...

enough said!

perfect ending to an otherwise

ordinary day...

didn't start too well! bad nights sleep, interrupted when i kept waking up wondering if the nightmare of last night was real or not...it was...sigh

had a great meeting with a former work colleague who wants me to do some work for them (fabulous stuff), then home to grab lunch in time for Leah's visit - we had the NICEST time together...she listened to my ongoing dilemma with Chris and i listened to her realisations about family...she is becoming such a wonderful friend...don't you just love girlfriends? of course when you are as fortunate as me, it's not exactly hard to love 'em :-)

Blues got up in Sydney! first time in 18 years - last time they did Ratt's was playing (not coaching) and Gibbsy was 4 years old...woo hoo! da da da da da...Judd simply amazing and Eddie on fire...go you Blue boys, thanks for making my week end well :-)

sooo despite a horror show last night and me waking up realising that my teenage dreams were definitely in tatters...it got better...did the stuff i love, made some business development calls (does this mean i'm not taking the job?)...

and then as i'm living my life a text from Chris at 2pm...'so did you get home safely?' (gee, only about 13 hours too late....but honestly, i was pleased to see his number come up on my phone and pleased that he did in fact make contact), i did something i never do...a) waited an hour or so before responding and then b) simply wrote 'yep'...he didn't like that...next one comes back almost immediately (this is most unlike him) 'are you pissed at me?'...and again 'yep'...and now it's really getting to him! seems a Sarah that is not at his beck and call, not available or chatty is not what he's after....mmmm

so then i get 'come along now' and i finally tell him EXACTLY how i'm feeling 'i'm hurt, disappointed, my dream is in tatters and i actually don't think you care about me...'

how brave of me to do this, but honestly, i was so very angry with him

so then 'i didn't walk u to a car (doesn't he get that it's more about the fact that a) girls like to feel safe and b) i asked him to do something for me, not anything big, and he didn't?), r u over reacting? gotta run got lucy and boys can we chat monday'

in yet another first for me, with him, i simply go back with 'whatever' (wow, even as i recount it here, it feels bold and not much like the silent me to do this...liberating somehow, and one where i have not even gotten close to moving towards him or giving away my power...yay me!)...

and then, the pearler (coz he must HATE this from me): 'no not whatever that sounds dismissive...i apologise if i hurt your feelings i will make it up to u'

haven't responded! and not because i don't want to, but because i wonder if he will...a) call Monday and b) make it up to me...i actually need to see what he does from here, not move towards him so he doesn't have to make an effort...

nope, i'm gonna be strong!

sooo, on that note, i'm shattered...been a HUGE 24 hours emotionally (there is another story about last night but that can wait) and i can't wait to put my head on the pillow...

nite x

i'm so mad i could

actually kill him...(note to readers - i'm being dramatic)

so i'll write more about the night later, but suffice it to say, as i got closer to 1am (and the Opera House car park closing) I asked Chris if he (and Mark) would walk me to my car - you wouldn't think this would be too much to ask of your oldest friend...

so we are half way there, he gets bored and says something to me about being independent, when i ask him to leave it, he continues, i tell him to fuck off and then keep walking...thinking he won't let me walk thru the city on my own after midnight, but no, he does...

i am just so mad, i'm mad, i'm disappointed, i'm mad i believed he could be different....and i'm disappointed that my childhood dreams have just well and truly gone up in smoke...

how could i have believed he could be so different??

:-(

spin out...

fuck, complete spin out....sitting at the Opera Bar with you know who and Mark....boys I went to school with in Yorkshire 30 years ago...

spin out....

brings back some memories....not all good, but memories nonetheless

hmmmm

sigh...

yep, that's kinda how i feel today? had plans for a sleep in, but was awoken by heavy rain at 5.34am and didn't manage to get back to sleep, so by 8.15am i had done my walk, had breakfast, stripped bed and put a load of washing on...

my god and i thought i was NOT a morning person :-(

i had a great session with my therapist - we really are doing some good work together right now...she is just perfect for where i find myself right now and i find our sessions not only useful, but supportive and hugely insightful (sometimes she comes up with the insight, sometimes i do, but either way they are proving very very insightful...)...

sadly today's entire session was about Chris - haven't had one of those for a while - actually quite a while, as there has been plenty of other stuff to talk about (job, choice, decisions, psychometric assessments, fear etc)...but nooooo, today was hijacked by Chris

and following on from my post of yesterday (realisations) i found myself feeling very very angry this morning...

yep, turns out that i am not only angry about his lack of care of me, but what i also realised is that his asking me to keep quiet makes me feel like i am not important, that i am gagged in some way and that is just not where i want to be...

i have spent the large majority of my life feeling the need to be obedient, be the good girl and not to talk up and no more...

added to which, it means i can't share my experience of him with others if i am not allowed to talk about it...and that is just plain wrong..

how can he ask me this? sure, he can ask me to be discreet (there is a big difference between saying 'yes i've seen Chris a coupla times' and 'sure we've seen each other, had phone sex and are contemplating an affair together'...which we aren't, well I am not...) but should i even consider having to lie to cover his tracks...i think not...

sooo i'm angry with him, all over again, having thought that had abated, and i guess it had in some ways....the initial anger was more about what he had done and his apparent trivialisation (is that a word?) of it all and how it must have impacted me...

so now it's getting really hard for me to maintain that part of me that desperately wants a different ending with him...you know, the ending where we end up together? which my crystal healer thinks has something to do with me holding onto a notion of reclaiming the intimacy between us....meaning, that i believe (on some level) that being intimate with him now with heal my dysfunctional beliefs about intimacy that started when he did what he did...

makes some sense i guess and it resonates with me - coz i do think (even though i'm probably wrong) that creating some intimacy with him now, may in fact, heal what happened all those years ago...

so my mood has largely reflected the gloomy and wet day here today....acupuncture soon and then a decision as to whether to join Mark and him for a drink...

not such a big decision really....it's wet, it's cold and the heater is on at home, also good tv night...on the other hand, i'm in my new skintight jeans, looking fabulous, hair blow dried and so i would like to show off in front of him....but to what end?  exactly, to what end indeed?

soooo i'm going to have my tea and just observe my thoughts for a while...

see ya

realisations...

usually i love realisations! it's true, i consider them (mostly) to be like precious gems...and sometimes the deeper we dig, the better the realisation (hence my likening them to gems...)

but today's was probably a bit too real for my liking (i'm a dreamer remember, and a romantic, so i don't like anything too confronting or that makes me question my judgement)...

but today, i realised that he actually doesn't give a fuck about me...and it's not like he did anything in particular today, but i just got to thinking, that for the first time yesterday, i asked him for something (some of his time so i could see him)...

and he can't even do that...can't even find time to make time for me...

yep, it's pretty clear really...hit me like a bolt of lightning, like a sharp smack to the back of the head.....he doesn't care :-(

not really...and sure, he says he does, and if i mention this he'll come up with some 'excuse' or 'reason' (his usual: i'm busy, my life is busy etc etc)...but really, if he cared about me then he would make time...

he would....wouldn't he?

yep, he would....so my realisation of today is that he actually doesn't care....

it's gonna be hard to go back for more now...i mean, why would i? even as i'm typing this i'm shaking my head in disbelief...

he doesn't care....it hurts, sure it does, but perhaps it's what i need to be able to let him go...

difficult....

hmmm today has been really difficult

not generally, but specifically...in regards to a certain situation

seems the resolve of the last few days/posts deserted me overnight...had a good nights sleep too? surely it can't be better to sleep less when making such decisions??

sooo I have just felt compelled to have contact with him today even though the contact has been uneventful....

in fact, other than the 'rush' when I see his name and the drama/fantasy I allow myself to create around him....the whole thing is uneventful

and yet, I can't seem to walk away

aarrgghh

it's frustrating beyond words and the logical smart part of me is annoyed at the other part...more than that

soooo why? why is it so bloody hard...I really need to try and work out what it is I am giving up in giving him up....

sigh

I gave in....

seems I couldn't help myself...

but I won't be really giving in

I won't!

enough said!!

memories

seems the bad memories have a way of sticking with us better than the good ones....or is that just me??

so this morning I'm off to do my 2nd psychometric assessment...the first one was a horror show and I am determined to create a different experience for myself

i've done the practice tests, I had a good nights sleep, I have a big cup of tea and I'm going to READ the questions carefully and TAKE my time!!

i don't recall a time when I had such a bad experience and then consciously made up my mind to have a different experience next time around...

maybe I can apply this knowledge to the situation with Chris....

mmmm

urges...

mmmm yep, have woken up this morning after the best nights sleep i've had in well over a week (yay!) and have this overwhelming urge to send him a text...

not gonna do it! not....

but i wanted to acknowledge it, coz pretending we aren't feeling something when we are, well that's just no way to move forward...

so i'm observing the urge, and trying to work out what is driving it? what is it that i would want from sending a text? and is that what i actually want? or is it simply the old pattern trying to creep back in??

i had a great crystal healing session yesterday and Bec (my healer) made some fantastic observations about the whole thing with Chris...firstly, she said (and I have previously thought this but not so eloquently as she put it) that in doing what he did, he took away my intimacy and so consequently that's why i look to sex for intimacy with men...interesting

then she said 'and you hate yourself for wanting him'....yep, absolutely true! i have beaten myself up since the day he turned up about this very thing - sometimes the voices in my head feel like they are screaming 'HOW CAN YOU WANT A MAN WHO DID WHAT HE DID?'....it's so nice to have her perspective on it all, and she told me that no matter what i do, or want to do, i have to trust myself that it will be right....for me :-)

sometimes you just have to believe in what you can't see - you do....on the other hand, sometimes you have to see what is right in front of you and realise that it isn't....

so, perhaps the urges will abate as i get on with my busy day...

perhaps

wheels in motion...

yep, it's true, after many many many months of contemplation, i find myself ready (well, at least i think i'm ready) for the next chapter...

you know, the one where i tell him that he can't give me what i want, so consequently, there perhaps is not a future between us...

sooo i give in yesterday and do send him a text after all, mainly because i am exhausted by it all and want it to be over - even knowing he would be at home...is that bad? but then how can it be bad for me to send him a text when he doesn't think it's bad that he's considering having an affair with me? kinda double standards that...

anyway, i send him a text, he replies with something predictable 'i'm at home text you tomorrow...please don't send me texts like that cause they will cause harm'

well, don't worry about causing me harm, which really is what i've let you do since you turned up in November....

so of course i don't actually expect to hear from him today, it being a public holiday and all, and him being with his family...but i do

around lunchtime i get 'so i have an hour what's up'....no, sorry i didn't let you know about thursday, no how are you? no, how's your weekend been? seriously, is it so hard?? apparently it is, FOR HIM...

so we go back and forth, i say i can't meet up today and don't want to talk about it via text, telling him that i'l like to see him and could he just find time when that might work...

the rush of seeing his number (his name has been deleted again) starts to take hold but then i can feel myself breathing more deeply and remembering what it is that i want now....and suddenly i don't feel so drawn into his web...

the web where he wants me to tell him so he can think about it...surely he thinks i want to see him to have sex with him and so consequently he thinks that what i want to tell him today might also be about sex...and previously i would have fallen into this trap (the 'tell me about it so i can think about it' trap)...but nope, i was on my game today and simply told him to leave it...

so the wheels are in motion...

of course there is a complication (potentially)...the drinks we were meant to have last Thursday involve a mutual friend of ours from school who's in Aus for a few months...Chris and him hooked up a coupla weeks ago on FB and now i'm 'friends' with him too...we've actually had a coupla nice chats on FB and HE has invited me to the drinks that him and Chris are having this coming Thursday....

mmm dilemma!

number 705...

sooo i think this one is gonna be a post about all the things i want to say to him, coz i am now pretty clear on where to from here...

i'm done with my fantasies, both historic and current, ruling my thoughts

i'm done with wondering what might happen next

i'm done with spending WAY too much time thinking about him, when i really ought to be focusing on someone else

yep, i'm done...

i'm also a bit scared that i've reached this point, but here we are...

sooo the wheels are in motion and now all i have to do is work out what i want to say...

ordinarily i might write it into a story and present it to him, but since he doesn't read the stuff i write for him...to be fair, there's only been one thing that i wrote for him (see post titled marbles, one possible vignette)...but still, he hasn't read it so i figure i'll draft it here and then 'perfect' it....

i've loved you since we were 9 years old...i probably always will, despite what happened between us and the impact that has had on me...but it's not healthy and you aren't in a position to give me what i want...you don't want to be friends, or if you do, you haven't shown me that you can be...i'm tired, tired of wondering what next, tired of second guessing myself trying to work you out...tired of attempting to be clear about your intentions....tired...so i think there is only one place to go from here....so give me a hug, kiss me, tell me you're sorry, and let me go so that i can start letting you go...

i pick the wrong men...

this was the final line in the episode of SATC that i just watched...how apt!

and you know what? it's true...i really do :-(

and i think, but could be wrong (actually i doubt that!), that it all started (i.e. the picking of the wrong ones) after the incident...thinking as i did that in order for them to like/love me i had to sleep with them...

no bloody wonder really! and don't get me wrong, not like i just worked this out today - i have known for AGES, but sometimes i am reminded of it...

so it's true, i pick the wrong men...maybe it's time to pick the right ones....

also, saw a quote on a friends' FB today and it went something like this: 'it's in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped'...Anthony Robbins (who normally I would not quote...but THIS totally talks to me and given the decision i am in the process of making it helps give me courage)...

when is sex

with the ex a good idea? is it EVER a good idea?

so this was the subject of one of the conversations with some good friends last night...

one of them (the man!) seems to think that i should have sex with the ex so that i don't rush headlong into bed with Chris...

you gotta love male logic! in fact, it's not such a bad idea, but i'm not sure i wanna have sex with the ex...sure it was good when we were together, great at the beginning, but it's been a while, and honestly, i'm not sure i feel that way about him anymore, in fact, i'm pretty sure i don't....

there must be a 3rd option here, which is not the ex, not Chris, but someone else.....

surely it can't be that hard to source some good sex to tide me thru?

can it?

trying really hard to

resist the urge to send him a text....and i'm not even sure what i would say? i miss you (although do i? really?) i want more than you are willing to give me (sure, i'll be saying that as and when i get an opportunity)...but of course, there is the feeling that he'll go to ground and radio silence between us will continue indefinitely...

and then of course i wonder if my urge to contact him is in an attempt to consider being naughty with him, or if i really want closure (can i really get closure with him by just telling him that i want more? methinks not...) on the situation

it's funny, i have said to a few friends (only a handful) that if i sleep with him a train wreck will surely follow! and you know what? they have all said: where you are now is a train wreck, and maybe they are right...it sucks...i couldn't possibly be open to meeting anybody else right now, somebody who is emotionally and actually available to have a meaningful relationship with me...and that's just bloody sad...

futile

yep, this whole bloody situation with him is futile...despite how i might want it to be, despite how he might want it to be, despite the fantasy of a 13 year old girl...it is FUTILE and i cannot see that it could be anything else...

aarrgghh

mornings are

the hardest....seems anytime in my life when something has been difficult or I am struggling with a decision (largely because it feels like SOO much is at stake) mornings are the worst

whatever resolve or clarity I seem to go to bed with often seems to have dissipated and I find myself going through the entire roller coaster of thoughts, emotions and resolutions all over again :-(

it's exhausting...

really should be easy...

shouldn't it? the decision that is....

and yet, it's not...

i was having such a good day until I realised I had to drive thru 'his' suburb on my way to the Hunter :-(

yet another reminder...

it will get easier....it will, I'm determined for it to get easier

mmmm

was having a really nice day until
I had to drive thru Roseville....now I'm a bit reflective :-(

music therapy...

i'm sure years ago i heard someone say that and my cynical self would have rolled my eyes indignantly, wondering what sort of an out there hippy concept that was....

ah well, that's one good thing about growing up! we tend to become more open and of course, as life throws us the occasional curve ball (i seem to have had a lot thrown my way!), we start to experience more of what life has to offer, and consequently, become more open and accepting...or maybe that's just me :-)

so in recent times (you know since a certain someone turned up in November last year) i have really struggled some days...his arrival has made me look at a whole lot of my beliefs about myself, about relationships, about sex, about what i want etc, and it's been exhausting...

good, and productive, but exhausting...and like other times in my life where i have had a lot to face, confront, deal with etc....music (sometimes shopping! sometimes alcohol!) has been my saviour...

it seems that for every emotion, every siutation, there is a song that makes us feel better...or worse! and it's not like i go out of my way looking for the songs that seem to mirror what's going on, the universe, it seems, has a way of making sure you hear them on the radio...or in my case, sometimes friends introduce me to music based on their knowledge of what i like...

all good :-)

so, a couple of really good things to come out of Chris turning up and throwing my life up in the air have been:

• exercise (as i fantasised about my teenage dream with him, and possible, getting naked, i needed to shed some weight...the added bonus was that my daily walk, with a run thrown in, really helped as i tried to work through the anger i felt towards him
• music...seems i have stumbled across loads of great music which really makes me feel better about life, myself etc
• i've had to really confront my beliefs and you know what? some of them are no longer working for me...sure, for a time after what happened between us, they helped me keep safe (or did they?) and they stopped me being vulnerable with men...but what i have subsequently realised is that in order to have the sort of relationship i want, i need to do that...and hence, the beliefs are being reviewed one by one and some are being abandoned...

so it's not all bad his turning up...it's not! it's been nice to feel sexually attracted to someone again, to be wanted by someone (although i'm sure this feeds my old beliefs and patterns), to have some attention...but now it's time to move on...

the belief that i don't deserve anything but the sort of relationship he could offer me, is just fucking rubbish! utter fucking rubbish and it's about time i really believed that...

in typical fashion i have digressed, and i have NO idea if there is a song to mirror that, but that aside, i am just LOVING my music right now

happy easter x

brighter...

things seems brighter this evening somehow...

had a nice day, bought new jeans (size 12, yay me), went through some clothes/stuff to sell on ebay, did my walk, watched footy (that was bloody stressful but Blues got up in the end), chatted to Nat and my sister, and generally feel better for having just 'got on with it'...

it's not an expression i like, at all...but i have observed something about myself! when i stay in bed too long or just sit around contemplating, i invariably feel worse than if i get up and do something...imagine that!

soooo feel much calmer, happier and clearer this evening...

trick now is to remember how i feel right now, when his number pops up on the phone...coz it may not be tomorrow, or monday or even tuesday, but it's gonna pop up at some stage...and then it's decision time...

so, on this brighter note, wishing everyone a very happy Easter :-)

nite x

where am I?

yep, funny title but kinda apt given where i actually am and where 'i' am in the decisions i seem to be making with Chris...which at times don't feel like conscious ones, but ones i am pulled into...kinda like the decisions of someone addicted to alcohol...

had a very good chat with therapist on thursday about this very thing...i must have been recounting some of the Chris saga to her and she said to me 'where are you in these decisions?'...meaning that i seem to lose myself and put others first (that isn't new but it's becoming increasingly visible to me)...

mmm and it's kinda sad :-( sad that because of a number of things (my upbringing, the event with him, subsequent dysfunctional relationships, and of course, my own lack of awareness around it) i often just find myself making decisions without me in them...and then wishing i hadn't....

that's gotta stop...especially with him, especially when what he represents is a fantasy and a fantasy only - he CAN'T be anything else and even if he could would i truly want him to be?

see the thing is: i'm addicted to him, to the idea of him, to the idea of this fantasy with him and all of that, along with the chemistry is not helping me to be present in my decisions around him...

so now that i have got this into conscious awareness, i'm wondering if there is a 'CSFA' (childhood sweetheart fantasy anonymous) group i could go to?? :-)

so perhaps the question isn't where am i but where am i gonna be next time i make a decision about him?

attention...

is the single biggest attraction about Chris I think, and it's not easy to admit that...

i like the attention and sometimes I even think I like the ensuing drama...how can that be so?

really gotta adjust some of my wiring coz that sort of thinking is just getting me into trouble

i had a moment of intense clarity a little while ago....Chris looks so much better on that pedestal I've created than when he's not on it....

mmmm yep, it's true. up there I've made him into this 'perfect man' (is there such a thing?!?!?) but down here, on earth, he really isn't

nah, long way from it in fact and so now I'm pondering whether I need to execute the plan or just move on?? my sister and i talked today about this (didn't give her all the details of the 'history') but she asked me if i was attracted to him...i told her i thought he was hot, but then inconsiderate, arrogant, unreliable which really isn't that attractive really...not when i put it like that! and then there's the obvious thing: he cheats on his wife, so in addition, to all the above, and being glib, and emotionally and physically not available, he's not trust worthy...

really, what am i thinking?

so, decision is whether to execute the plan or try and move on without having any sort of conversation with him...methinks i'm going to need closure, coz i typically do, but then, i haven't found myself in this situation before, so it's all a bit new and unfamiliar...

of course, in order to have a conversation with him i need to organize a time with him, which given his 'busy life' and unreliability and lack of consideration could prove a little bit difficult...

sooo, not sure i'm clearer

ps of course there's always a ps, especially where he is concerned.  just got off phone with one of my BF's in brisbane (best friend not boyfriend!) and she had a different take on the whole thing! thinks maybe throwing myself into the middle of the storm (well and truly) might be the only way to know how i feel after it and then will help with the 'what do i want to do now' dilemma...mmm interesting idea!

co-incidence or something else?

so after my night out with a good mate, where the inevitable discussion around the situation with Chris was aired and a strategy presented (his, unlike Emma's, is 'friends or nothing') I got home feeling confused and a bit lonely...long weekends can sometimes do that to a girl....

i get to thinking about Ben

i think I'll send him a text.....but before i do, i wonder if that's fair coz the person i want to text is the person i can't text ('i am at home')...so imagine my surprise when a text arrives.....from him, Ben...

universe works in mysterious ways sometimes...

had a nice chat, he invited me over, I said no thanks, he told me his Mum
moved out (not surprised), we talk about stuff, he does his MBTI and turns out he's ISTJ! didn't see that coming but as I REALLY struggle with ISTJ's, I roll my eyes and think 'no wonder'..

funny coz the person I initially wanted to text was Chris to say 'I need to see you' so I can tell him what I need to tell him....you know, execute that 'strategy'...but he wouldn't have responded and I would have felt worse...
glad I didn't....

didn't initiate with Ben either coz didn't want my anger or very big residual desire to have sex with Chris to be present with Ben...as I said to my therapist, Ben was one if the very few (in fact can't think of others off the top of my head) men I've had a relationship with where my 'pattern' did not apply so didn't want to send him any mixed messages etc...also I'm not sure I would wanna revisit sex with him, and not because it wouldn't be good, we had a good sex life (when we had one)but I'm not sure I'd want to or if it would be wise to open that pandora's box up again (mental note to self: try not to let current desire for sex get in way of sensible decisions...)

so nice conversation, they all seem kinda nice these days...guess the passing of time can do that? the hurt and anger diminishes, the disappointment is replaced with acceptance and a different dynamic emerges??

so, what do you think? co-incidence??

why?

it's a question i have asked myself so many times since he re-appeared

why can't I let him go?

what am I holding on for?

why? why? why?

wish I knew...

sigh

on the countdown....

to 700 posts, and if i am brave and go through with it, an impending farewell...

and even as i contemplate that i feel sick and sad and a little bit worried that i won't be able to go through with it...but i can see no other way...seems we are incapable of being friends, even though it might seem like a good idea, i can't let myself have an affair with him, and even though there is an ever growing sexual attraction between us, i can't just sleep with him (or be a friend with benefit as he puts it!)...so where does that leave us?

i really don't like goodbyes....they feel so final, so permanent, so unchangeable, and honestly, i'm not sure what i would want to change the situation from (post the goodbye) but even so, i'm not sure i want to go through with it...i will, in time, because the uncertainty and the in between, even now, is making me lose myself...

well, that's not entirely true....what i would really like to do is to have a different ending with him, so of course in this different ending, perhaps we are together, or perhaps what happened between us all those years ago, didn't happen, but of course, one of them is actually impossible and the other is just improbable...

feel like i'm barking up the wrong tree - and not for the first time :-(

i have a strategy...

yep, following a coupla days filled with the old shit creeping in, a long chat with Em, and some reflection on my recent therapy sessions, i have a strategy...

he's gotta go :-( and i don't really want it to be that way, but i can't keep on with where we are right now...

i want to meet someone, fall in love, get married...i want to build a life with someone, someone i can rely on, someone who will support me, someone who will expect me to support them, someone who wants the same things i do, someone i can go away with, spend saturday nights with, someone i can call whenever i want to call them, someone i can wake up with every day and go to sleep with every night...someone who loves me for who i am...

yep, that's what i want...and he is not in a position to give me any of that :-(

no matter how much i'd like to be, it can't be...

and then there is the unreliable and inconsiderate side of him...the waiting...the wondering....and the inevitable self doubt i then find myself confronted with...not to mention he's cheated on his wife, so how could i ever trust him?

nope, sadly, he's not what i want in my life...and having him round, fuelling my sexual attraction for him (that bit, i'm afraid is real) which in turns fuels the fantasy is just not allowing me to let him go and move towards what i really want...

sooo the strategy is formulated, now i just need to initiate a meeting (i don't want this to happen via text) and tell him that it can't go on...

it's gonna be difficult, but surely it can't be as difficult as the uncertainty, the disappointment, and the expectation that has been the last few months...

can it?

i'm sticking with dreamer

just so as not to add to the emotional turmoil i find myself in...but seriously, what am i thinking? where i am honestly thinking this could go?

i'll tell you...like i told him, in a moment of absolutely clarity on tuesday afternoon, i always thought we would be together...doesn't mean it's what i want necessarily (and when i consider all aspects of him, at least those i have seen i'm certain it's not...and yet) but it's what i have always thought would happen

and sure this started when i was probably 11 or 12 or 13 years olds, and wasnt' grounded in anything other than the musings of a young girl about her then best friend, but it feels as though it's become real and been given a life of it's own...especially now that he is here (when he was 12,000 miles away and we weren't in touch it didn't have any oxygen)...and in light of something he said about knowing i was here when he chose Sydney...

but really, where could it go? it could only end badly and there is an almost certain outcome where i get hurt...where my life gets put on hold to be 'the other woman' in his life, where i still end up going to movies, on holidays, for weekends away ON MY OWN....where our relationship would all happen behind closed doors and consequently be clandestine and none of that feels right...added to which i could never call him when i wanted to (if i was to be respectful of the fact that sometimes he will be at home...which i would be) and it would all be organised around him...shit! where would I be in all of this? same bloody place i am now...nowhere (thank god my therapist and i spend some time talking about this theme, which is not just present in relation to Chris)....

so the relief and happiness I experienced following his compassionate display on Tuesday has now largely been replaced with an almost abject despair....i know in my head what would be best for me, and yet the old self doubt and voices in the head emerge when i think about having to say goodbye to him...

what i really need to remember is that the validation that came with Tuesday's display quite possibly the ONLY real thing he will be able to give to me and it was a gift...one that i wasn't expecting and one that when i feel like i do right now i should remember...

of course i no longer feel like that, now i feel disappointed, angry with myself mainly for believing he could be different after a 2 hour stint of good behaviour, pissed with him for being such an inconsiderate selfish self centered prick who so rarely thinks of anyone but him self, and kinder towards the person in me who would have previously labeled myself an idiot....i'm sticking with dreamer, coz with everything that's gone between us, how could i not want a different ending with him? how could i not want to dream about it all turning out so very very differently?

enough sad, am sick of having the blog consumed with stuff about him...maybe time for a new dream!

happy Easter :-)

wouldn't it be better

to have sex with someone you like?

this is one of the things he said to me Tuesday afternoon as we discussed the merits of sleeping together....

and sure, he makes a good point but of course, that 'liking' each other is where I think it could get complicated...

anyway given what happened today I doubt I will be discussing the pros and cons of having sex with him again...perhaps we should just do it, that way the mystery of it will cease to be so addictive??

of course, this on again, off again seems to be a pattern between us (not my doing) so you never know but...
methinks this could be the start of the end...

and honestly, a part of me just craves the simplicity of my life without him in it...despite the appeal of the distraction, the attention and the possible sexual outcomes.......

idiot or dreamer...

right now i can't work out which is a more apt description...for myself!

maybe i'm an idiot dreamer, but seriously, pretty soon, something has to give

and another reason has just emerged...

so, the same mutual friend of earlier post has just instant messaged me on FB and asked me if I have seen Chris coz he lives in Sydney you know???? i decided, rather than lying, to just ignore the question...what could I say that wouldn't piss Chris off, with his need to control who knows what and god forbid anybody (meaning his wife) might find out that he's been in contact with me....

yep, this is shaping up to be another reason...and yet i'm still disappointed...

but maybe the notion that we would be together is just that, a notion...and one that i really just need to get over

sure, it's possible, but right now, even though it appears more possible than ever before, it's just not...being together that is, and if i'm honest, i'm not sure he is what i want...sure, right now sexually it seems like he is (the chemistry between us is, frankly, a bit frightening)...and sure there's the lure of the childhood dream, but other than that, what is there?

we aren't friends (he won't be friends), i don't know what he wants in life, i don't think he's bothered to ask me what i want, he seems to be controlled by this need to over achieve, and i find that exhausting....and then there's the unreliabilty which i can't stand! mainly coz it makes me question myself (and i know that's my stuff)...but i hate it

could this be the straw that breaks the camels back, or will i find some way to justify whatever it is that is going on between us and continue to let myself be pulled along by it?

aarrgghh

ps on the positive, nice to chat to Mark and will be good to catch up with him, nice and weird!

and now i'm just mad...

fucking mad! so he says yesterday that he'll speak to me today re the possible drink plans for this evening with another person we went to school with, and you guessed it, it's nearly 7pm and nothing...nada!

fuck! and i find myself in this place, this place where i doubt myself and find myself wondering that he can think so little of me that he can't even find 20 seconds in his day to text me to say 'it's on' or 'it's not on'...seriously, how fucking hard would that be?

and herein lies the main reason why having an affair with him would be a disaster..........

course, doesn't mean i don't want to have sex with him, but as for anything else...would just be putting myself into yet another situation with a man who can't give me what i want - and wait, not like i'm asking for the impossible! just someone who cares about me and who does what they say they will do, oh and is available, both actually and emotionally...

mad....

distracted...

and exhausted....buy mainly distracted...

wondering what to do...

hmmmm

determined...

not to let my thoughts of him hijack my day tomorrow....

going to try to not think about him...

interesting why I would want to do that....is there a message in there somewhere??

writing...

so my 8 week writing class finished tonight and it's kind of sad that it's ending...on the other hand, i suspect a few of us will form a small writers group and so the encouragement (which is typically why i go to these things in the first place) will hopefully continue, albeit in a different form...

i have written so much in the last few days, about Chris, about me, about how I feel, about what i want etc etc, and even now as i reflect on that, i'm not sure where i stand...

so the question is this: would i knowingly allow myself to have an affair with him? with everything i know about myself and with everything i know about him...honestly, i just don't know...we talked about this yesterday, and in fact his seeing the situation from my perspective really blew me away - he had clearly thought about it from my point of view, something i hadn't really seen him do before...(that makes him even more appealing than he was before...shit!)

torn is really the only way to describe it...i am sexually really turned on by him, intellectually too, emotionally i'm not certain we are a good match (i'm way too emotional for him methinks)...but can anything really come of it? other than a massive train wreck in which either one or both of us not only gets hurt but stands to lose something?

and then there's the obvious question about whether or not this 'fantasy' i have created, is that of a 13 year old girl or whether there is ANY input from my current self...

i know the answer but don't really want to admit it...but the fact that there are times when returning home from my walk or from work, i round the corner and hope to see his car parked there...

mmmm think we know who's having that fantasy, and she ain't 13 years old...

sooo writing class is finished, i'm finished for the day (i'm exhausted) and despite all my writing i am not a whole lot clearer than i was when i started!

nite x

nooooooo

i promised myself I was going to try and stay expectationless...and following a brief conversation this morning which ended mid stream I have observed myself pondering, or is it obsessing, about what the silence means....

probably means NOTHING and yet I find myself pre-occupied...

and now doubting if the person that i experienced yesterday was real...

aarrgghh...of course a more rational girl might just say he's busy instead of assuming it has anything to do with her...novel concept that!

and then of course there is the fact that he is finding where we are 'tough' or when he's being less eloquent 'fucked' and maybe he just needs some breathing time...

so maybe it's not noooooo but nothing, or maybe i am feeling something and i should listen to it...

can you choose who you like?

really, can you? or are the forces of nature sometimes not to be questioned? even when you know that you shouldn't, even when you are certain it won't turn out the way the story runs in your head, even then can you choose?

I don't think so....

hmmmmm

soooo tired

yep, that's how I am this morning after a hugely emotional day yesterday, realizations galore and validation from the only person on the planet that could make it better...

tired..and happy...and tired

to say it's complicated...

is an understatement...futile might be more appropriate, or in his words 'it's fucked'...

yep, as a result of today's events and our very open and honest conversation, we find ourselves in a difficult situation...not the first time two people will have found themselves there, but the first time 'we' have found ourselves there...and honestly, given everything that has gone before this, i am surprised...

for the first time since he re-appeared in november we had a very candid and adult conversation...one where he showed me that he had considered things from my perspective...this was a big surprise to me (not an unwelcome one) and whilst i am relieved that the person of my childhood dreams turns out to be someone i might like (previously having misjudged or perhaps, that's being unkind to me...because until today, he hasn't actually shown me his capacity for compassion and kindness)...of course seeing this side of him, a side i really really like, makes it harder in some ways, and easier in others...as he said 'it's easier to hate me if i'm a cock'...ain't that the truth


one thing i had been thinking about in recent months was how to get him out of my life, but you know, it's been so hard to do that and i think (newsflash!) that i just haven't wanted to, and even though some of that was driven by my fear around not knowing how to be if i said goodbye to him, and consequently saying goodbye to a part of myself, another part was the fear of how i would feel if i no longer had any contact with him (not that it has to be that black and white, but of course it does!), and yet i still couldn't do it...

so even though it's been difficult to try and land on what it is that i want, both with him and from him and there have been times when i have enjoyed his silence, making it even more confusing...the question i am left pondering is this: how can you say goodbye to the person you think you are going to be with? (and sure this is partly the fantasy from childhood, but i'm wondering if a part of my 42 year old self is now starting to entertain this little pipedream??)

so the honest answer is, i haven't come up with an answer, which might explain why i told him today that i didn't want to say goodbye to him...and as i write this post i am reminded of the ending of a classic (Charles Dicken's Great Expectations) when Pip says "I took her hand in mine, and we went out of the ruined place; and, as the morning mists had risen long ago when I first left the forge, so, the evening mists were rising now, and in all the broad expanse of tranquil light they showed to me, I saw no shadow of another parting from her"...well i see no parting between us either, even though i am unsure of what might unfold between us, i either don't see or don't want to see a parting...the single most uncomplicated thing to happen today was the validation i got from him...see, we've had a lot of conversations, some platonic and others decidely not, and i guess i started to believe that he would only be interested in maintaining communication with me if i were to sleep with him...and this is a familiar feeling - a pattern that all started with him and what happened between us, and one that has absolutely undermined who i am and what i want in so many relationships...so i'm not sure if it's ironic or just some kind of universal power at play, but it seems right that he was the only person on the planet who could actually provide that validation for me...god knows i've tried hard enough to do it for myself...




but as i started to explain all of this to him, it was clear that i had got it very very wrong...he likes me, he wants me (we were able to discuss our physical attraction/chemistry quite openly) and he does not see me as any sort of conquest...and in that, and with the other stuff we talked about, it made me realise that i had made him into this monster...and what i got instead, was a validation...validation from someone who does care about me, who does like me and now finds himself in a 'tough' situation, one he hasn't been in before...

so with his validation, and what he told me, and me being able to be honest (read as vulnerable) with him about my fears, it seems that the pattern of my past may no longer be real, it may no longer have a voice and maybe just maybe his validation heralds the likely farewell to a certain someone and the closing of a chapter of my life that has haunted me and made relationships such a big challenge...

the scary thing about this only a few days ago, was my fear about who i might be, or become if i didn't have him, or that 13 year old girl in my life...but now, it just feels like a huge relief and the opening of many many doors...ah liberation!

sooo what next? who knows...what i do know is that, i think, we are both now very much on the same page...about how complicated it is, about how futile (my word) it might be....what i'd like to do is try and not think ahead...simply be in the moment with him when the opportunity arises to be so...


wonder how that will go!

mmmm danger

yep, so today the long awaited 'tea' date with him took place and what transpired was something I could not have even contemplated....suffice it to say, sometimes validation occurs when we least expect it...

of course, as with most things, there is a possible downside here too...one where i find myself sliding down the hill of falling for him...well, this side he chose to show me today...

the side of him that after all this time showed me his compassion and in doing so, how much I mean to him...

i did NOT see that coming...

what i do see coming is, well, as the title suggests, danger!

ps more to follow, trying out the mobile blogging, and it would appear that it worked!

sleepless nights...

yep, had one lastnight, and all because my mind was ticking over with the options...

it seems that my pattern in relationships stems from what happened with him, and yet, i find myself drawn into the same pattern with him...is there some irony in that? or is the universe providing me with a message that is so obvious (although it's taken me a while to get it...not as long as this post might indicate, but i've resisted writing about it here) that even for me, it would be difficult to overlook it?

i already know the answer of course which is why i didn't sleep and most definitely the reason why i have lost my appetite a bit (not entirely!), and why my stomach is in knots...

and yet, i am torn...hence the ticking over in my mind...

the pattern is not a good one (otherwise, i wouldn't need to give it up, right?)....no, the pattern is decidely not good...and interestingly Ben is probably one of the very very few men where i didn't feel the need to play this pattern....and yet, his re-appearance seems to re-ignite the pattern with an intensity that frightens me..
 
of course that's not surprising, since the pattern started with him...and maybe just maybe, it's gonna finish with him! i like the symmetry there...but of course, i have to find a way to finish it...and i am struggling

the answer is clear. crystal clear. staring me in the face...

and yet...

soooo universe, today i'm asking for strength....

ps i had an interesting thought pop into my head yesterday, but until i make the blog private, would prefer not to air it here...i think it would make an interesting research topic! 

saying goodbye to him

means saying goodbye to that 13 year old girl...the one who's been with me for 29 years, and let me tell you: that is scary...

there's a big part of me that is ready to say goodbye to her, but there is also a part of me that wonders what will be left if she's not there? who i will become if her voice is silenced, and what that might mean for me?

it's scary...to think about letting go of a part of yourself that has been present for sooooo long even though you are now very clear that she's not helping...in fact, she's probably holding you back from finding what it is you really want (and deserve)...

and yet, she's hanging on! like grim death, she won't let go, not yet anyway...

and i wonder, honestly i do, what it is that will be the straw that breaks the camels back...WHAT will make her go away and never come back??

so as i get ready for an early night (big client meeting tomorrow morning, followed by a 'tea' date with him...if it goes ahead) i suspect my thoughts will wander to just how i reach this state....

i know she must be silenced, but perhaps, first, before she can be silenced, she has to be heard...and maybe, that's what is going on with me and him right now...i'm actually allowing myself to listen to her and let her make some of the decisions (albeit probably not very sound ones)....

maybe that's it...

what i really don't want is for her to make one decision (one that i almost certainly would not make) and then to find myself picking up the pieces or regretting it...so knowing which decisions to let her make is kind of tricky....

sigh

here i am once again....

fuck....why do i let myself get into these situations? seriously, why do i? i know, but can't really go into the detail here...

or maybe i can, it's my blog after all! my journal...

so here's the thing: after our texting fri and saturday morning, we decide to catch up for tea today...then this morning (he's predictably unreliable) i get a text saying he can't make today...i was expecting that, i was! doesn't mean i'm not disappointed, but as i said to my BF, i was disappointed and relieved concurrently, and when i told her this she said simply 'well that's coz your head and heart are in different places'...

and she's right! not to mention my libido - that's in an ENTIRELY different place altogether...

so when i realise that i won't see him, that's ok....means i don't have to consider what i'm wearing, means i don't have to worry how i will subtly cover the breakout i've experienced in the last few days....but i'm disappointed too...and then there is the follow on

of course he just can't let it go and what follows is a request for a photo (i sent him a photo of my clock and told him it was time to do some work!), and telling me get dressed and wait for him...hmmm for someone who just said he had something to do, it seemed remarkably likely that if i succumbed, he would be here...and then of course there is how that makes me feel....

i've been clear with him, i've told him i won't be pressured into anything, that i want to be friends and that i won't commit to anything...and yet

and yet, here i am once again....:-(

when will i learn?

good friends...

are apparently hard to find, aren't they? isn't that what everyone says?

well, not in my case :-) throughout my life i have had the good fortune of meeting many many people, and some have become good friends, a chosen few have even made it to 'best friend' status...i'm sure in young people speak that should be BFF....but i'm not that young, so i'm sticking with the reasonably vanilla and possibly outdated term 'best friend'...

and in recent months when i have been to hell and back, when i have spent a lot of time pondering my existence and questioned who i was, sometimes coming up empty, sometimes even wondering if would make it through...a small handful of these amazing friends have been there and made me remember just how blessed i am...who have been there when things haven't looked good, have listened when i've needed to talk (and have i needed to talk?), have tried really hard to put themselves in my situation and see it from where i sit...well, the last few months has provided not only a number of tests for me, but in a way, for my friendships too, and through it, a few of these friends have stood up...

and it's funny coz even though it has been one of the most difficult, emotional, roller coaster type times of my life, it has been a great time to be with girlfriends and to reflect on just how important they are to me...

i am truly blessed when it comes to friends...

so today, having not spoken to one of these friends for a week or so, i update her on what's happening, and of course, following Friday night's 'texting' with Chris and the possible (although unlikely) tea date tomorrow, i needed to update her....and this is what she said:

"it takes time to desensitise ourselves from those things that make us obsess.  exposure to that which we are in fear of/obsessed with helps the desensitisation process, i think.  keep calm and carry on"

how lovely.  how absolutely lovely that she didn't go into 'advice' mode, didn't feel the need to tell me how completely and utterly insane it is to meet up with him, and did not go into 'i really don't think he's good for you' mode...not to have been judged, not to have her sit in judgement of where i find myself, was a gift...

so Nat, if you are reading, thanks :-) for my other readers, Nat is a long lost best friend from uni days...she re-appeared in November after my migraine and subsequent drug induced dream heralding the return of people from my past!

so, as i prepare to lay down my weary head and get ready for another week of likely uncertainty (is there some irony in there somewhere?), i will go to bed smiling, and counting my lucky stars that i have some truly amazing, beautiful and wonderful women in my life...

xx

teenage dream...

do you ever hear a song and wonder later why it really resonated with you? why you wanted to play it over and over and over again? why it meant so much to you even though the lyrics might be something you wouldn't normally like, or the song itself is too poppy or whatever?

well, that's how i feel about Katy Perry's Teenage Dream! since the first time i heard it (some months back) i have loved it and then lastnight as i was driving to Leah's in the pouring rain, playing it so loud that i could hardly hear myself think, it dawned on me....Chris makes me feel like i'm living a teenage dream!

and i'm not saying this is a good realisation necessarily, actually it's not, but of course, my teenage self has been the one who has struggled to say goodbye to him and she's the same one that has this 'chemistry' with him and the desire to be a bad girl with him...or does she? is it me that has this amazing chemistry with him? mmmm more thinking required there methinks! good job i haven't done my walk yet today....

so it's true! he makes me feel hot and i would like him to touch me in my skin tight jeans (of course my 13 year old body probably looked better in skin tight jeans that my current 42 year old body)....i'd like to have my teenage dream with him...

but alas, it can't be...

so Chris, this is for you (of course you won't read it, but that doesn't matter!)

You make me feel
Like I'm livin' a
Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back


ah teenage dreams....love 'em!

cabin fever...

will shortly be over when i rug up and head out to my friend Leah's for the evening...

must say, coz i don't feel great (head cold, sinus, headaches etc) i have enjoyed not having to go anywhere today but i am really looking forward to seeing her and having a girls night in!

i have sooo much to tell her, and she me - we've both had an interesting (and at times difficult) few months, and it's been a month or so since we've had a face to face chin wag...actually, probably not that long, but with an event packed few weeks, maybe it just feels like there is a stack to catch up on!

so even though my afternoon of football did not yield the result i was after (Blues 79 Bombers 79...groan) at least we didn't lose and it was a good game to watch...edge of the chair sort of stuff, the day will be completed with a fabulous evening...

happy evening to you!

tea for two?

really, is that a good idea? (bear with me as this is likely to be a conversation that should probably stay in my head)...

really, was it a good idea to suggest him popping over for tea, at the end of the same conversation where he has made it clear what he wants 'i want you'...mmm not so sure

so now, there is a small chance (i say that because typically when he says he'll do something, he often doesn't) that i'll see him Monday and i think that's good...

because what i realised this morning, and i mentioned it to him, is that this so called chemistry we have between us, hasn't been road tested face to face...it has ALL happened (pretty much) via text/phone...as i pointed out to him too, other than me telling him (in a moment of either insanity or vulnerability) that i wanted him to kiss me that day at the beach, he hasn't given too much away...sure he's asked me to have an affair with him, sure he's told me he wants me, and a variety of other things that will not be included here (after all there could be children reading!)....but in person, he has given NOTHING away

sooo, it'll be interesting! haven't seen him for months, 3rd week in January to be exact which would make it 3 months, and in my case, a bit of weight as scales are showing official weight loss of at least 7kgs now...that's gonna make it a bit harder too methinks coz i am feeling very good about myself...

so i wonder how it will be? i wonder if the things we said to each other during the sexting of last month will make one or both of us tentative, shy? i wonder if him now having admitted what he wants, will mean he no longer has to pretend to hide it? and most of all i wonder for me, if i will get that same 'rush', that feeling that i get when i see his name on the phone, when he is here...and of course, i wonder what i will do....i wonder if when he steps through the door i am overcome with a desire to kiss him...or will my level headedness have made a re-appearance by then? i wonder if he will give anything away? will i be able to work out what is going on for him??

sooo many questions! of course, then there is the obvious question: what to wear? of course i don't want to appear like i've gone to any effort, but i want to look good (that's normal)...but a part of me wants to look soooo good that he won't be able to help himself...but that part of me, that bad girl within (we all have her right?), the girl that wants to be naughty with him...well, i just don't think i should be letting her make decisions for me...of course, i'll allow her to manage the wardrobe side of things, but really, letting her move beyond that is just not a good idea...

i think it might be nice to be friends with him, despite an enormous difference in what that means to each of us...but i do, i think it would be nice.  we have so much history (in one sense) and yet we still have so much to learn about each other...a 30 year break in communication will do that to a friendship! not to mention we are no longer kids...

soooo i think the only thing to do is focus on the tea...coz isn't a cup of tea ALWAYS the best thing?

the cyber ink has hardly had time to dry...

when a text from him arrives! bloody weird...leaves me wondering if there is in fact some psychic or universal energy at play here, trying hard to keep us in touch...but with what end in mind?  

not even 24 hours since i wrote the blog pondering the next chapter with him and noting my entering into the resignation stage yet again, and he makes contact...of course i initially assume that he has read the blog....he hasn't and i'm not sure why i think he has read it (perhaps hope) since he has not yet read the story i wrote for him in the lead up to the sexting, and in his words 'my life is fast, very fast and i hate it'....

so for someone who says he doesn't 'do conversation' we managed to rack up an inordinate number of text messages over a 6 hour period last night....

and me, having just about hit that resignation phase again i am left wondering if this little 'dance' with him is one that is going to continue indefinitely, or only until such time as he believes that i am NOT going to sleep with him...

sure i'd like to, i'd really like to actually, and this is absolutely not the place to go into my feelings about that...but there is this amazing, powerful and alluring chemistry between us and i find myself wondering if that is ever gonna be different....i ponder if it's power will diminish over time, as we get older, i wonder if it's allure will eventually cease to exist? i wonder if we can put it aside and actually become friends? i wonder...

so as i ask myself this question i think back to when i've had this sort of chemistry with men before, and there are too many instances to recount here, but the only other one that seems to compare to what's going on here is the sort of chemistry i had with Simon...

ah Simon! my ultimate bad boy, the boy from the other side of the tracks, at one time the love of my life...he came into my life at an interesting time and even now, despite all the crap that subsequently happened between us, the chemistry remains...and he treated me badly, he was selfish and mean, but still, the chemistry remains...and it's been 16 years1

so sadly, this review of my history with chemistry hasn't provided me with the answer i may have been looking for...seems that despite everything, the chemistry lives on...

so if that is the case, then what am i to do? ignore it (doesn't really seem possible), ignore him (not sure i want to do that), give in to it (i don't think so)...or just hope that in time, it will, diminish...doesn't seem like a great list of options really does it?

another chapter?

sooo as i drove to therapy today, past the Mater, where 'he' works, i found myself wondering what the next chapter with him will be....if there is to be another chapter

it's been a while now, and each time he goes silent (funny, even as i type that, i realise that it's probably not his intention to be silent, but more, that he is just busy and living his life) i go through an interesting reconstruction phase

initially, i hold out for contact, because he has said he will get in touch...then after a coupla days i forget, and realise that me holding out for it, won't make it so...and then i feel a bit angry and disappointed, but really, that's because of the expectations i have of him, which have not yet come anywhere near close to being fulfilled...and then there is the resignation

and it seems, that just as i hit that resignation phase, he pops back up! wonder if he has someone telling him what phase i'm in...wonder if he psychically knows and it's his way of not disappearing altogether...or perhaps that's just my belief in universal powers, and it is nothing more than co-incidence?? and maybe just maybe it's me ascribing a lot more to it, than there really is...me and my dreams! who knew that being a dreamer was so bloody time consuming...

i don't know...each time it seems to get easier and i thought it was gonna be really hard after our last 'interactions' (which you may recall got us to 'how did we get here?') but it seems somehow to have been easier...it has a feel of finality about it, as if we have broken the last straw...

and then there is the trip from home to therapy each time i go, feeling as though i should go the back way and avoid the pacific highway and the mater...but really, why should i? why should i change my habits? the chances of running into him are slim...i mean he had lived here for 4 years before he made contact and we NEVER once ran into each other then, but it feels (to me at least) like knowing he is here, means it's more likely that we will bump into each other, or maybe it's just hope...but even if we did bump into each other, i wonder what i would do? what we would say? whether it would be uncomfortable following the last things we said to each other? and then there is my stubborn side that says 'i've lived here a lot longer than you so i'm not going to change my life so i am not reminded of you'

yep, i'm sure that's gonna work out really well! but really, i don't want there to be constant reminders of him, because for a time there is going to be one of 2 responses to the thought of him: a) the bad stuff, what he did, our past etc and b) the fantasy which sure is kinda nice to entertain, but it's futile....so i don't want to be reminded of him

i don't...

but slowly slowly the fantasy is dying, the distance between it and reality is starting to feel like a massive gaping space...

so i wonder, in that massive gaping space, will there be another chapter?