a week...

is a long time in one's emotional journey/life!

so this time last week i was on a high after the verbal job offer from a client, just finished my first (of 8) writing classes, and thinking that the job might be too much of a compromise...and on the other front, i had not yet eradicated all of 'his' details from my phone...

sooo now, only 7 days later, i have moved from being on a high to thinking that i now 'need' this job! not only for my sanity but because now i've really looked at my financials, with my head well and truly out of the sand and the clouds, i am only barely coping! and this is not an easy thing for me to admit, and sure i haven't eaten into ANY of my significant reserves, but the reality of the forecast is not looking good....sure, one or two things might come off and that will ease the burden, but the reality is this: to think that i could go from earning in excess of $300k a year to somewhere between $18k and $125k for any length of time was just plain deluded...

it's funny really, coz i am a great coach! i get fantastic feedback, my clients (sometimes with and sometimes without my help/guidance) make amazingly good decisions in their lives...and yet, for me, i didn't go through the same process i would recommend to my clients for such life changing decisions!

so here's the actual story! after 6.5 years at the 'bank', i was bored, disenfranchised with corporate life, or perhaps just 'life at the bank'...i had lost my passion, no longer cared and just wanted out...of course, i wanted out with the cheque! so i negotiated my way into such a position where they gave me a cheque and i thought i'd won the lotto (mental note to self: a years pay in one hit seems like the lotto, but in fact IS NOT)...

so i faffed around for a few months, grieved the loss of my grandfather, and mainly, my identity...ran around after Ben and struggled to find my voice in our relationship! failed miserably until some 7 months later when i told him i'd had enough...he left so then i started grieving the loss of him and my hope of having a partner and all it entailed...then i studied (that was good), planned a trip (that was great) and then came back and wondered how the hell i expected to make a sustainable living just doing coaching...

realised i couldn't (at least not initially) so 'compromised' and took on 2 consulting gigs - both have been great, both have been enjoyable and both have contributed to me thinking that the business was a 'financial success'....

it's not! well, not on my terms, and sure, had i known about these terms at the beginning, i probably wouldn't have done it...this is not however becoming an 'i regret speech' - on the contrary! i absolutely do not regret leaving 'the bank', i don't regret following my dream, even though right now the lack of work, lack of challenge, and minor panic attack about financial security that i'm currently in the midst of are making it impossible to enjoy...i don't regret it!

see, i'm 42! i've had a 20 year successful corporate career in finance and HR, i've now run my own business, become certified as a coach, a qualified trainer and have experience that i did not have before i did it...

reality is, if i could do coaching 100% of the time, or at least 85% then i would consider it not only a financial success, but a success...but i am a LONG way from that and even if ALL of the current leads for coaching come off, they will not be enough to a) keep me occupied more than 2 days a week and b) make this a sustainable coaching business!

and therein lies the issue! my goal at the start was a successful business - should have been more specific and said 'coaching business'....

soooo i am in the middle of a crisis! it's real too - not one of my dramatised or emotional crises (which tend to dominate not only my life but my posts)....and i don't like it! of course i have jumped into action, following up all manner of leads, but really, i think i want this job!

sooo universe if you are listening (which i'm certain you are) then i would be really appreciative if the job were the right level both in title and responsibility to show positive movement in my HR career, please let the pay/work life balance be right (meaning, 9 day fortnight but i'm willing to budge on $) and reporting to someone i can respect/learn from...

please please!