that's kinda how my day felt today...following my admission of the boredom and loneliness that running my own business occasionally brings, i had a particularly bad start to my day and honestly i found myself thinking 'i wish i had a job to go to'....
so that was a difficult thing to realise and herein lies why we should never say never! i have often told people that unless i had to i wouldn't go back to corporate life or to work for someone else...and you know what, mostly i wouldn't! but when i'm feeling really lonely and disconnected from people and missing the structure of a full time job (i don't miss that part so much as the people), well then it starts to feel like something i should consider...
of course the only real barrier to me doing this is probably myself and my fear and my belief that if i go back to a job then i will have failed :-( but truth is, i'm pretty over the feelings of loneliness when i'm not busy, the boredom (the flip side of boredom is of course freedom and autonomy - bit ironic how the same sword has two edges!) and the lack of motivation at times...
honestly, if i had enough work to occupy me 3 days a week then it wouldn't be so bad, but most weeks, i have a guaranteed 7 - 10 hours (which i love) and then the odd client session in between! not helped by the fact that another client i do 1.5 days a month for insists on me working remotely...even if i went in there one day a week for half a day, that would help...
and sure i have my meditation, tennis, writing classes starting tomorrow and a variety of other appointments in my week (acupuncture mainly) and catch ups with friends, but it still seems that i have a LOT (read as too much) time on my hands...
and today that just made me sad...i found myself crying whilst watching the Oscars (admittedly not until they showed all the people who have died in the last year)...and i just wasn't even excited about my tennis lesson...
so methinks i need a plan! either another 1 or 2 clients where there is a regular time commitment or LOADS more clients so that they fill up the time, or i need to think about getting a part time job! and this has it's appeal coz it would provide a steady income (my 1 client already does this) as well as interaction with people, getting out of the house etc...
but what to do?
other alternative i guess, is to consider a full time role which would ultimately benefit the business (i.e. a senior role in an area that would provide me with additional credibility...)....but the thought of full time really really doesn't sit well with me...
soo i'm confused, i'm a bit lost, i'm a bit frightened about where it could all end up, i'm scared about giving up the business in case it would be too hard to start again, but i'm not exactly happy where i am right now...
but as the title is wax and wane, i will point out that a couple of good things happened which allowed me to feel good: tennis coaching was great and i even took a game off my coach! my thursday client called me and we had (as always) a great chat and he asked for my help tomorrow, and a dear dear friend of mine who i have been remiss in contacting in recent times, returned my call today and i had a lovely chat with him...
soooo it hasn't all been bad...
worst of all though is that my gorgeous feline neice, miss crunchie, is really sick :-( she's at the vet on a drip, coming home thursday but i'm afraid the news is unlikely to be good...my hearts breaks that she may soon no longer be with us, for my sister who will be devastated, and for Dan (my nephew) who loves her so and has always called her 'his sister'...:-( thinking of you schmoops
and so to bed....
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