true colours...

well i think i finally saw his true colours, the ones i hadn't wanted to see, the ones i should have seen coming, the ones that have felt like they were sitting just beneath the surface, hidden inside that exterior, concealed behind the facade...the him that he wants everyone to see

sometimes you don't see a person's true colours until they are pushed...and sure, i pushed him today, i did...and his response was not nice...hurtful, mean and honestly, not what i was expecting...

'you need to get a fucking life' to be precise...:-(

soooo the upside is this: maybe now i have seen these true colours, that have probably been there all along, the ones i refused to see whilst i let my childhood fantasy take over and the ones that once ignited, showed him to be the sort of man i don't like, i can now really begin the process of moving on...

and it's not like i haven't been trying: a really good friend of mine said to me today that my relationship with him was complex and consisted of many many layers, so each time i thought i'd succeeded in putting him out of my mind, it seems another layer popped up needing to be dealt with...

but today i think the layers have been dealt their final blow...to me, there is now no going back...

maybe i needed to see this side of him? sure it's not what i thought would happen when i woke up this morning, although the 'age of reason' i referred to earlier, certainly indicated that things with him were at the point of ending...despite me not wanting it to be so...and despite me wanting it to be a 'nicer' ending (whatever that is)

but really, what was i holding on to? the notions of a 13 year old girl, which in the intervening 30 years had grown into something quite unhealthy, unrealistic and frankly, just plain dangerous...it became like an addiction i had to feed, seemingly never sated, always reaching for more...

but now it's done, i doubt i will hear from him again and on one of those many levels that makes me feel sad, but perhaps it's the start of something new for me...

they say that with every ending there is a new beginning, and i've been wanting a new beginning for a while...i haven't, if i'm honest, been able to be brutally honest with myself about my feelings for him until now, and now that i have been honest with myself and with him, this is where we are at...so really? what is there to grieve? if he is someone that when i'm honest he tells me to 'get a fucking life', i'm not sure that's the sort of person i want in my life...

so i'm still numb, i'm a bit disbelieving really, wondering how i will feel tomorrow, or in a couple of weeks when i no longer see his name/number pop up on my phone...but you know what? somewhere in the middle of yesterday's slippery slope i started to get that feeling again...the feeling in my stomach...the feeling that my body is telling me that something is not right, and i chose not to listen to it...

instead, i did what i always have done and bury it, ignore it and continue regardless....dangerous stuff that! and maybe this time that lesson will be learned, and sure i've said that before but today really does feel different...

i have never been a fan of endings or goodbyes...i feel strange, awkward, compelled to reach out to him (this is what i usually do, it's familiar, it's my routine...or was) but i'm going to try really hard not to...

for after all, even if i do reach out to him and we start talking again, it's only going to end up exactly where it did this morning....and i already know that's not what i want...

sooo now is the time for something new, for a new way of being, a new way of doing and above all, for me to look within and find willpower i know myself to have...

universe if you are listening, please give me strength