they say old habits die hard...

and that is sooo true, but i'm feeling much better now than this time last week after a decision I made thursday...re a certain addiction!

it's true, i do feel better!

i haven't felt even remotely inclined to contact him and today as i was walking i actually started thinking that maybe it's time...that having him in my life is really not serving any purpose, other than to keep the flame of that old sarah ignited...and really, i don't think she really needs to be here anymore...

soooo I think it's time to put him behind me, time to put the trauma of the past behind me (actually, think i've already done that), time to put the patterns that emerged out of the trauma behind me, time to put the fantasy of 'us being together' behind me, and time to see the romantic notion i have of him today for what it really is....the romantic notion of a girl who was badly hurt, who was betrayed by the one person she thought she could trust and let down by someone she loved...

yep, it's time...and you know what? it's enormously liberating...and it seems much easier than i thought it would be, and of course that could be due to a number of things...

firstly, there is a lot going on in my life right now (mainly in the work arena) so i haven't had much time to dedicate to him and where things are at (which in reality, is nowhere!)

secondly, i deleted ALL traces of his contact details last week (this time i didn't do any storing of the number in notes for 'emergencies'...nope, all gone)...yay me!

thirdly, i realised today as i was walking that even though i have tried a number of times to do this before, perhaps i wasn't ready, maybe i hadn't learned all that i needed to and of course, the obvious, that the more we try something, the easier it gets...

and finally, and probably most importantly, having him in my life was destructive and tempting in an addictive sort of a way, a distraction from my life (historically i have loved a distraction of this nature, but i am starting to see it for what it really is...nothing but a sexual attraction that i turn into something else in my head), a romanticised way of viewing his re-appearance in my life, a way of clinging onto that part of me that emerged to get through the trauma, and ultimately a road block, a huge, bloody wall stopping me from moving forward...

and sure, i have learned a stack about myself since he turned up, but i think now it's time...

so it's true, old habits do die hard and it's been very very hard to kick this habit (and as i type this i sincerely hope that habit is dead)....and only time will tell if it is truly 'kicked' but i'm hopeful...

sooo, here we go, a new ride awaits!