that sucks...

yep, it sucks! it sucks that i stupidly thought that just being friends would work...

last week when i told him that i would not have an affair with him, my reasoning being that to do so would not change the past, he said 'that sucks'...

and what sucks now is that having made that clear, the communication has reverted to nothing...which is not atypical for him and not expected, but i guess it really confirms what i should have known all along...

when i was a possibility, when it appeared like he might get to have his way with me, i was appealing, and now i am not...

oh how ironic this is....most of my previous relationships (Ben and a handful of others excluded) have succumbed to this pattern, which of course, all started when he did what he did...

don't you just love the irony? now that he knows he won't get what he wants, i no longer hold any interest for him...

kinda sad really, but on the other hand, totally expected...sure i would be lying if i said i wasn't hoping that he might turn out to be different, but seriously, haven't i been hoping that since we were 12 or 13 years old?

i have...and that hope, that fantasy, that thinking that by willingly entering into a physical relationship with him, the past would somehow heal itself...nuts! crazy! somewhat deluded...if you look at it through the eyes of an adult...but when you look at it through the hurt eyes of a 12 year old girl...it makes a lot of sense...

soo 'that sucks' is right...it sucks that he did what he did, it sucks that it had such an enormous impact on me, and it sucks that in doing so, he made me think that i wasn't attractive to men unless i allowed them to have sex with me...

so sure, it must suck to him that he won't get to have an affair with me (no doubt he has a number of alternatives lined up...), coz we both know it would have been good...but really, what sucks the most is that i stopped myself from seeing him for who he is...

yep, it sucks alright...