square one?

so where i am standing today feels like i'm back at square one...

it feels like all the good work i did until i walked past the Mater has dissipated and i find myself drawn into the old game :-(

fuck! when will i learn (and yes, i know i know, i should be more gentle with myself)...but seriously...

i am just so torn and yet, when i feel like this (compelled, a little out of control and not capable of rational thought) it seems like the right thing to do...you know, that moving towards him and away from me...

it would seem as though giving him up isn't that easy and even though i had managed really well, just walking past his place of work seems to set me off down some path that feels inviting and familiar, and yet, futile...:-(

i so desperately want to say to him that whatever we are doing is unhealthy for me, but that small part of me (which this morning, has a huge voice) just doesn't want to let go...and i think that's a couple of things going on simultaneously....if i let go of him and the fantasy, then it's letting go of a part of me that's been around for 30 years and initially that fantasy was a protection....so you can see why letting it go might now be so difficult...

also, i think what happened between us, re-affirmed by belief that i wasn't good enough, and so to now let him go, and to let the fantasy go, means that i have to start believing that i am good enough, and that, sadly, just feels frightening...what if I am good enough? what if i've always been good enough? kind of explains why some years ago when Kirst and i were having lunch (and one of our most amazing conversations ever - you know the ones you have with good friends out of the blue, but you remember for years?) and she asked me if i was afraid of failure...

i realised in that instant, that i wasn't afraid of failure, but of success...and now i realise why...seems kind of funny to say it, but it's true, i'm not afraid of success because of what it could bring, but i'm afraid of it, because in my mind, and because of everything that happened in my life before that awful night and then how i felt after that, i don't know any other way of being....:-(

and as crazy as it sounds to be afraid of success and afraid of saying goodbye to him, saying goodbye to that part of me that is actually the most difficult aspect of it all...if i say goodbye to it, then i have to start 'being' a new me! and you know, whilst it is scary, it is also fabulously enticing...but of course, it's difficult for me to imagine...

sooo eventually i'll say goodbye to him, both in the fantasy and in reality, but right now, i'm not ready...

best i work out how to move out of square one!