slowly does it...

seems the most apt title for today as slow was certainly how the morning began...

a good nights sleep (my first since last saturday night after sending the fateful text), and a very late start and honestly, i'm not sure if it was exhaustion or the seeming calm after the storm of the week that has been, but i just felt sad, lonely, a bit lost, and frankly bored...

as my friend Leah might say, over myself!

so i moped around for a while, had a most unsatisfactory conversation with my mother (probably should not have answered the phone...), then finally got up, had some brekky and went for a walk...

the walk, slowly but surely, got me into a better frame of mind and then, i showered and changed and made my way over to Paddington to meet up with Em...the shopping spree of Friday afternoon ($925 in Jigsaw) continued with the purchase of a beautiful silk grey top...Anna Thomas, some new Melb designer with a new Sydney store - couldn't help myself, even though it was WAY more than i would usually pay for a top! admittedly i don't have too many 100% silk tops...

have been inspired of late to dress a bit differently, which is good (yes, feeling much better about my physical self having lost nearly 7kgs...5.5 to go!), but sadly, i think this more feminine and casual way of dressing will not be appropriate should i take the 'big job'....dilemma? does one consider not taking a job because of the dress code? (i'm kidding as i write this, but i do think that how we dress is a big reflection of who we are sometimes, and i always felt constrained in a suit...so it will be a new challenge to find corporate, and yet feminine and not overly constraining clothing if it all comes together...)

interestingly, as i was driving home i started to wonder if taking the job is right for me...and i know, i'm tired, i've had an emotional week, and am bored, but honestly, i started to really wonder if it will be the right thing...is going into a senior HR role the right thing for someone who really wants to help people live happier and more fulfilling lives...even though there just doesn't seem to be enough of that sort of work to keep me busy...

it's an interesting question and one i will no doubt ponder in coming days, especially as i think 1 or my 2 committed work days this week has just been canned, can't be avoided, family funeral, but nonetheless i am disappointed...

of course i have a list as long as your arm (or mine actually) of things i really want to do...pick up lamp for Nat's hubby, look for new boots, ring ATO, finalise proposal for a client, follow up an invoice of another client, do some writing, clean house, do washing, get back to another client re a potential job, buy a new light fitting for kitchen, organise an electrician to fit it etc etc...seriously i have a gazillion things to do, so at least i shouldn't find myself too under occupied this coming week, and then it's off to Vegas on Friday...

but still, i'm struggling to get excited...and Em said to me today that she had heard it said somewhere that structure affords freedom and i think that i agree with that statement - wouldn't have before i had so much freedom, but now, sure!

and now as the day ends i am reflecting over my emotions today...slow start, improved with exercise and company, and as i typically do in the evening, i am better in my own company...mornings (especially sunday and monday) are the worst...wonder if there is something in that?

and have not heard from you know who...which of course isn't atypical and he could be in transit or predictably with his family...either way, i feel as though with each passing day that i don't hear from him, my resolve will increase...and with the silence comes both relief and something else...the something else is a feeling that as yet, i'm not able to articulate (hence the 'something else')...i think that i should stick with trying to identify what that something else is, as i'm sure it will be linked to the 13 year old girl...and perhaps in that is the key to being able to move?

ok, clean sheets on bed, so i'm going to enjoy crawling into them, picking up my Kate Atkinson and hope that tomorrow's start is not quite so slow...

nite
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