p.s.

so it would be remiss of me not to mention that since the moment i deleted his details i have felt great! free, empowered, no longer a victim and not stuck in my past...also not stuck in my head with the fantasy i created...

all good right?

until tonight...see i'm doing a writing course and i've had this idea to write a book about the whole thing from 2 perspectives (his and mine)...and it wasn't until i was jotting down (while listening to the most mind numbingly boring crap story of a fellow 'classmate') some ideas for the chapters that i realised that my fear of saying goodbye to him was that it was final...and in a way now i guess it is...

of course i haven't told him of my decision but in a somewhat middle of the fucking night decision a coupla weeks ago, i did give him the blog address...i know i know, i can hear you saying 'what was she thinking?'...in my defence, i honestly got it into my head (it was 1am...) that giving it to him might be the first step in saying good bye and really being able to move on...and in some ways i was right, coz i feel as if i have said goodbye, even though we haven't and even though on some level i would in fact like to meet up to actually say goodbye (that's a bit crazy...meet up to say goodbye!)...

anyway, i'm a bit sad thinking that i may not see him, talk to him, hear from him again...

but that's all...i'm a bit sad!