not sure if...

it's the week of boyfriend's past, possible PMT, uncertainty about work, or general malaise, but i have to tell you, any mojo i rediscovered the other week has (sadly) left the building...

i just feel flat...a serious case of the mean reds methinks, and i'm a wee bit annoyed coz before i sent that stupid text message and ended up somewhere i didn't want to be (consciously anyway) i was actually feeling good...

happy, contented, enjoying my life and a whole lot more positive than i feel right now...

i have noticed some of the old thinking emerge, and when things don't go quite to plan, a sense of 'oh shit, it's my fault...must be because i'm not good enough' kind of thinking...:-(

i don't like it...i feel a bit lost, without purpose, and kind of in a holding pattern...

and sure, i'm following up leads and doing the work i have to do, but it's difficult to throw myself into it when there is a BIG possibility that something else will be no longer 'in the wings' but 'real' in only 7 weeks...

but you know, 7 weeks of uncertainty (with 2 already down) feels like a long long time and a period that's gonna drag on forever...

sooo, not sure exactly what to do! of course, all of this could simply be the 'let down' from last week and me realising that at some point a farewell is in the wind...:-(

sooo Sal told me last week that she was going to say something i wouldn't like and in a way she's right: she said that i was probably in a process i needed to be in, and one that i had to go through, despite how awful it feels, in order to heal and truly move on...

sooo i am struggling a bit and hope that this process will work itself out sooner rather than later...

dinner, then meditation! yay...