a new dawning...

is what it feels like this morning, and following the events of the last 36 hours and the movie i saw Saturday which seems to have been the catalyst for where i am right now, what i think is going on for me is my very own age of reason (or as the french say it l'age de raison)...

i think it is! see today i did something this morning that i should have done a long time ago...

the incidents of the last 36 hours have shaken me, and not because of the incidents themselves, but because of how willingly i allowed myself to be drawn into something that i didn't want to be a part of, but thinking (old, faulty thinking from my past) that if i didn't then it would mean the 'end'...

but really, is the end in this case, such a bad thing? and on some level i think it is...it would mean saying goodbye to someone, both in my head, my heart and in reality, who's been in my life for 33 years....and i haven't really felt ready to do that since he resurfaced in november...i'm not certain i am ready now

i attribute this morning's clarity of mind (mine that is) to this new age of reason, and perhaps, finally, after all the hard work, at 42 i have reached that age...perhaps it's the age where my new self will emerge with an entirely new perspective on life, on self and how i want to be in the world....bit existential for a monday morning but honestly, i have not woken up with such an overwhelming clarity for months! actually, since the 23rd november last year and i have made small tiny baby little steps in the interim, but today something just feels different, and i can no longer lie to myself....

it's funny, he said to me over the weekend (and he's said it to me before) that lying to yourself is no way to start and you know, he's right....i haven't been consciously lying to myself but i have been reluctant to admit my real feelings for him, both to myself and to him, and that has meant that there has been an undertow in my interactions with him, something i felt i couldn't divulge, and consequently it drove some behaviours that don't fit with how i want to be....

so the 'thing' i did this morning was this:

'problem is this: i like you, i've always liked you, when you turned up my fantasy took over...you are married, i want to be married, there is something between us but it can never be...i brought up the sexual tension because i think we needed to talk about it, needed to have it out in the open and then it got out of control...i don't want to be someone you shag or have an affair with..it will end badly and i'll get hurt..you will have your wife to go back to but where will that leave me? And sure i know you think i over think things but this is a no brainer...i really wish we could be kids again, in so many ways but our reality is here and now...that reality is that we don't really know each other and can't be together in any way openly and that isn't how i want things to be...a part of me has always loved you even tho i wonder why it remains so'

and it wasn't easy...actually telling him this wasn't as hard as admitting it to myself, but i can no longer let this and my old thinking drive my present self....the easy thing to do would have been to just continue and fall headlong into something that i didn't really want to be a part of but couldn't say no to, which is something i have spent almost my entire life doing...

but today is the dawning of a new age...it is! i'm determined for it to be so....i feel sad and yet free....

the end with this man (or boy, coz really in my heart that's what he is) is in sight even though i don't want it to be...but i can see no other way given his terms...it's just not how i want to live my life