moving on?

well this time last week i had only just gotten home and sent a certain someone the text that started it all...

it's been a tough week, and one where i have had to really be honest with myself about my feelings for him, one where i had to confront the 13 year old girl within that he hurt so badly, and one where i had to think about what i want...

it was the sort of week, on reflection, that i don't want to have again, and funny, in my exhausted but glad to be home (there really is NO place like home...) state, i feel much better...my former happiness and calm is restored, i am thinking clearly, i have purchased jeans that make me look thin (who would have thought that would happen this weekend?), and i am left wondering how on earth a simple text could have ended up where it did?

perhaps it really WAS the full moon? and this is not me saying i am not responsible for how i behaved last week, but it might explain the somewhat 'manic' (and i don't like to use that word) behaviour and compulsions that seemed to take over my usually level headed way...(sure i've had lapses, but this one felt like the biggest fall, and one i just did not see coming)

and it's funny, because after his awful text to me on Monday morning, i felt numb...empty, a bit bereft and wondering 'who' i might be if he wasn't in my life...i couldn't come up with an answer...still not sure i have the answer to that, but i'm working on it!

and then of course, i couldn't help but move towards him - my attempt at not doing so, seemed just too big a challenge, and of course the inevitable happens and a dialogue (if you can call a whole stack of disjointed text messages from one side of the world to the other dialogue?) starts up again...we've always been friends, we'll always be friends, we may fall out but that's ok...and then it starts to move again towards the untoward...and basically the request for a decision (did i mention i really don't like ultimatums?)...the decision is handed down and in doing so i feel that i'm taking a huge risk...a risk that in telling him this he will no longer have enough interest in me to continue to communicate - after all, from his perspective he's not going to get his cake and eat it too, and as he told me, 'that sucks'...

so imagine my surprise when i wake up and see his number on my iphone with an accompanying message...?? and this from the man who would have 'made arrangements' were i to have agreed to such a clandestine liaison and the very same one who said we couldn't be friends in an open way...

so can you see why i might be confused and left wondering what his current motives are? and sure, they might be above board and genuine - absolutely they could be, but something is telling me to be careful...

and now there has been 2 days of silence and each time there is silence i feel as though i start to move on...

so i wonder what will happen next? honestly i do? i'm not yet ready to tell him i want no contact (not until both my selves are in agreement and the 13 year old has been heard), i am not clear on what he wants and whether we actually CAN be friends, and yet, that 13 year old wants so much for him to say that he loves her...thinking, as only a 13 year old girl with her first crush, can, that it will make everything (both now and the past) ok..

soooo moving on seems like the right thing to do, and i will, but i'm still stuck on the 'how'....