flirting...

is an interesting topic and one i have had plenty (actually, probably way too much) of first hand experience at...i was young once remember! and sure, i think i was better at it when i was younger - or maybe i just thought i was better at it!  anyway, i digress...

i don't do it as much these days, and that is partly because when you run your own business as a coach, consultant and therapist, it's not exactly kosher to be flirting with clients - and not only is it not kosher, it's just not ethical! but also i don't do it as much anymore, because when i think back to when i was younger and used to do it more often, methinks i used it as a way of getting my own way...you know my way of negotiating or bargaining to get the outcome i wanted!

shameless i know, but it's not entirely my fault, well at least it wasn't as conscious as i make it sound now - hindsight is a wonderful thing! the truth is that i didn't feel that i had the skills to get my own way any other way...of course, that is no longer the case, so if i flirt now, it's probably because i want to and not because i have the excuse of not knowing how else to ask for what i want! i think this is what we call self awareness and growing up...yay!

so, back to clients...it's not to say that i don't think about it or them in untoward ways, or wonder if they think about me in the same way...i do! it has happened to me (actually) on at least 2 occasions and i guess that's what peer supervision and indeed, individual supervision is all about...having someone to debrief with so that your own feelings don't get in the way of the client's professional relationship with you...it becomes tricky of course, when you think that the attraction might be mutual...ah, messy stuff!

anyway, the first time i was really comfortable to talk about all of this was in Paris at a coaching conference, when after a few bevvies a few of us girls got talking about 'attractive male clients' - i was so relieved to know that i wasn't the only one who occasionally found themselves wondering what it might be like to kiss a client, or to imagine them naked, or worse still to imagine you and them in some rather compromising situation...and don't get me wrong, i have NEVER acted inappropriately towards a client but still, the thought has crossed my mind and initially, i found it extremely disturbing...

so imagine my surprise this evening when i get an email from a client asking if i would like him to pick me up some shoes whilst he is away on an upcoming business trip...see, one thing most of my clients come to know about me if they work with me for any length of time is my shoe addiction, and this client, is no different in this regard...

and it sounds innocent enough right? an email between good colleagues perhaps, maybe who you could even call friends at a stretch? but it was the way he phrased his email and the way subsequent emails went back and forth between us, almost as if he was drawn into wanting to continue the conversation, that made me think something was going on...it was weird! threw me a bit...

and then as i was watching The Good Wife (which i loved, and thankfully was much better tonight than the last few weeks) it occurred to me that i actually think he might have been flirting with me...especially his last email (which i didn't respond to)...mmmm interesting!

and sure i know some of you will be reading this thinking 'how inappropriate', or 'how could he' etc etc, but reality is that at times, people who work closely together do form the sort of bond with each other that seems harder to form outside of work! this is why, a large number of people meet their partners at work...you spend a LOT of time together, sometimes in stressful situations and a bond just emerges...and i'm not necessarily saying this is the case with this particular client - sure, we spend a fair bit of time together, but mostly i think it's because he doesn't have too many people to confide it (given his situation) and he does that with me - it's also my role...so of course, it seems like a logical leap that he would feel very comfortable with me....

and i'm not saying it's right, and i'm not saying i will reciprocate (i don't find him attractive at all), i'm just saying i think he was flirting with me....oh, and did i mention that he is married...

and i guess that's what actually took me by surprise!

i wonder what he would do if i did reciprocate?