back in time...

i so wish time travel were possible....not seriously, but with how i am feeling today, and in fact, not just today, but since someone re-appeared in november...

see when he showed up my behaviour towards him (although justified and understandable, and quite possibly even initially, unconscious) was not what i would have chosen it to be...i let myself fall into the pattern of flirtation and suggestiveness and i think that has had the impact of him not taking me seriously, of not really understanding the impact he has had on my life and of course, the guilt that i now feel in having behaved in that way :-(

so, really, i wish i could turn back the clock, i wish i had done things a bit differently and in some way, i feel as though my behaviour has let him off the hook...and of course it muddied the waters, and in many ways, fuelled the fantasy of that 13 year old girl...not to mention initially, the 42 year old self (actually i was only 41 when he turned up!) was incredibly attracted to him...

it sux, it really sux, that a fantasy i created to protect myself from the reality of what happened between us, is still, 30 years later, capable of driving my behaviour....and sure in recent times i seem to have gotten a much better handle on it, and even started to realise why giving up the fantasy might just be so hard, but honestly, i'm exhausted...

i'm sick of feeling drawn into this game with him, i'm sick of having expectations of him and i just wish i had the courage to do what i really need to do...

failing that, i'd like a time machine! and even though i rarely ponder on regrets or wishing i'd done things differently, in this instance, not only would i go back to the time when he re-appeared, but of course i'd go back to that fateful night in 1981/2 and change that too...