so as i recounted my last two weeks to my therapist yesterday i had something of an epiphany (i guess this is to be expected when one is in a personal transition, phase of amazing growth)...
see some weeks ago my kitchen light went on the blink...so i did what i figured was the thing to do...get a replacement flouro tube (enough said, seriously i should get rid of the bloody thing altogether as i really am no fan of the flouro light)...seemed to work, for a day or so and then it stopped working again...
so you'd think, as it will shortly be autumn which will mean daylight savings time ends (sob sob) and the darkness will set in hours earlier than it does right now, that i would be motivated to have it fixed so that i won't be cooking in the dark (or to the light of the overhead extractor fan and open microwave!)...
but no! i just cannot be arsed even doing anything about it and funnily enough, it has ceased to annoy me - i have simply adjusted around it...
and so in the middle of my session with sal and my big revelations about the monday email and my conversation with Rach, i realised that the kitchen light is actually a fabulous metaphor for where i find myself right now...not taking responsibility for everything and everyone, and you know what? it is soooooo freeing, so liberating and frankly so addictive!
and it's not just the light...i find myself not doing stuff that i know in my family would just not be acceptable! you know, not cleaning the car (as evidenced by the not one, but two, rotting apple cores and the multitude of wrappers, empty bottles etc that decorate the passenger seat floor), not cleaning the house, not paying bills, in fact, not even opening the large majority of mail that gets deposited into my mailbox...
nope, none of these mundane tasks, which i used to be rather 'on top of' are of any interest to me these days...
and you know what? years ago i might have worried that i was losing my grip, but actually i think this developing attitude actually heralds that i have a grip more than before...a grip on the things that matter to me rather than an ordered and seemingly perfect life...
i even did not tidy up the house before Rach's visit - i confess i did make the bed, but the bombsite that my dining room table has looked like for weeks, since i started piling up 'stuff' i no longer want and intend to sell on ebay, didn't even get a look in, and you know, i didn't even feel bad! i didn't feel the need to make excuses and i realise that the only person who ever cared about this crap previously was me - my friends don't care if my house, or me for that matter, isn't perfect...seems that was me...although i will not deny that in the past, things like that were important to me...actually, they probably weren't but my conditioning as a child made it such that my mothers expectations eventually became my own....and of course it didn't occur to me to rebel!
soooo it seems that rather than becoming more responsible as we get older, this little black duck is getting less responsible and LOVING it! and loving the feeling of being a rebel....can't say that is a very familiar feeling!
soooo thanks to my kitchen light, i have learned a valuable lesson and one i hope that in future, even if there is light in the kitchen, i remember and continue to embrace....xx
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