p.s. about Chris...

soooo i thought i'd kicked it! the addictive habit that is Chris...but it seems my 'walk' to the therapist yesterday, which had me go right past the front door of his workplace, brought back a little of my old ways....

and you know, i hadn't even realised as i planned to walk down there that i would have to traverse his hunting ground, and as i approached and realised, i confess, i got that feeling in the pit of my stomach - the feeling that in the old days i thought were butterflies of excitement, but now i realise are much more an indicator that my body is issuing a warning of sorts....

of course when you haven't listened to your body's cues for 30 years or more, it's difficult to start doing that and to identify the messages, some of which seem, at times, so very similar...

sooo as i walk towards the Mater and realise that he is in there, i start weighing up whether i should text him or not? and you know, i cannot for the life of me think of one good reason to do so....and it's then i notice this compulsion to do it anyway, like an addiction, and that's because it is! i hoped that i wouldn't give in, but it seems the addiction wins....no matter how much i am trying 'not moving towards', 'being vulnerable' and 'not giving in to the addiction', it would seem i am still in the experimental stage....so i craft an appropriately casual message, dig through the notes section of my iphone to retrieve his number which yet again i have removed from contacts, but for emergencies (yep!) have stored in the notes section, transpose the number from one place to the other and hit send...

and then i become acutely aware of what happens! the quickening of my heart rate (which is nothing to do with the pace at which i am hurtling down the Pacific Highway), the constant desire to check and see if there is a response and the wee bit of guilt i feel having done something i promised myself i wouldn't do....

another broken promise :-(

i don't come clean and tell Sal (my therapist)...she won't judge me, but she doesn't need to as i've already judged myself :-(

seems as i reflect on this, it frightens me just how much this behaviour seems normal to me....normal in that it seems to be what i've always done...meaning when i do something (i.e. move towards, not stay in my stuff etc) it sets off a series of events in my brain and all of a sudden i find myself on a course i didn't choose but of course, i must have, and feeling out of control....eek!

and when i look back on all this and tell myself i was 'innocently' saying hi as i walked past the Mater, i realise that finding myself in the midst of this little game will only end up backfiring and leaving me feeling small - it will, it's just a matter of time...and yet i couldn't stop myself from playing....

the previous appeal of playing these games has not only worn thin, but frankly, is starting to be seen for what it really is: faulty behaviour, and when i apply some hindsight, i cannot actually see what the real appeal is - more like it is just something i have done for soo long, that to do something else just feels weird and uncomfortable...mmm perhaps this is EXACTLY what Sal meant when she suggested I try out vulnerable???

it's funny, after the initial desire to get his response, i stop thinking about it and move on with the remainder of my work day and evening...when i finally see his number appear on my screen the next morning it has almost no impact....a few texts go back and forth and then i find myself largely disinterested in continuing this conversation and when i start to think about it all as i drive home, i think that the fantasy that only a few weeks ago held such an enormous grip on me, may be starting to dissolve, and perhaps there is a new fantasy emerging in it's place....

soooo, it's a time of big change, a time of exploration and some trial & error for me, but mostly it's a chance to really start thinking about who i want to be and how i want to live my life....so it would seem there is progress after all, and who doesn't love progress?

nite x

ps and in a coupla weeks i have a date...:-)