last night i had the strangest dream...

and this is not me singing!


seriously, it was the weirdest dream i have had in a while, and yet, it had a dream involving me driving over a bridge, feeling unsafe and as if i would fall off...yep, must be afraid of something coz this dream (well, not this particular one, but a version of it) is my typical fear dream...

so since i mention the dream i will share it mainly so when i am reading this in years to come i remember it!...i'm driving in Chicago and i'm heading to my cousins...as i'm looking for his street to turn left into i can see it but there isn't a way to turn into it (although in reality there is as i've been there)...so i keep going, and on the way pass my cousins wife in her car (she doesn't see me) hoping that when i get to theirs she will be there so i can drop in...turns out the next left i take is a road which once i am on it, there is no turning back and i'm driving over a bridge with no railings and the whole structure doesn't feel safe, i feel as though i'm going to drive right off the edge...it looks like Lake Michigan even though there isn't a bridge over Lake Michigan and when i get to the bottom (this is new, typically in these dreams, i wake up as i'm about to fall off...guess this in itself is noteworthy...) i find myself in an airport like security environment where the guy obviously doesn't trust me...i am asked to get out of the car and lie face down on the ground (even in the dream i am rolling my eyes in my head at this)...and even though i feel violated in some way i find myself not reacting with anger and disbelief, but simply thinking to myself 'he's just doing his job'...(this is new!)...eventually i pass whatever test he has to conduct, and then i go to leave (not sure where i am going but realise i am lost) and not knowing which street to take, i go back inside and find a girl there...i ask her the way, she gives me directions and then the next thing is me having tea with her, her daughter Lily, who's about 5 and in a white tutu, and a girl kisses her and says goodbye and it's just us...chatting comfortably and drinking tea...then i wake up!

and i got to really do some serious dream analysis during my therapy session on saturday! it's great to have a therapist who gets me, and who i trust to share this stuff with - and honestly, whilst i will occasionally share the content of my dreams with people when i think it's funny, weird, scary etc, i very very rarely share my analysis of the dreams, which is really what's going on for me....

sooo after a lengthy discussion about the dream and fear and Chris and me feeling the need to make a decision about what role i want him to play in my life, if any, i realised that in fact, perhaps the fear of making a decision that will be the wrong one...or, and this is probably the real reason....my fear of being vulnerable, of not knowing what it is to be vulnerable and realising that probably the first time i was really vulnerable in my life, it went horribly wrong...even as my therapist talks about what it means for me to be vulnerable i can see only that classroom and what happened between Chris and I...and then i realise, how big this is for me...for nearly 30 years i have struggled to be vulnerable and trust that i won't get hurt...

and yet, as i pen this post and as i was talking to Sal on Saturday, i realise just how simple it all is...and i find myself excited at the prospect of having learned something about myself that really has, at times, felt like it's holding me back...

and as i think about being vulnerable and trusting people, i think about just how many stories over the years, i have built up to help keep me safe when dealing with others...

there are so many, i wouldn't even know where to start...and that just makes me sad...so here begins a new journey for me...

no more moving towards others, no more doing what i think others expect of me, no more taking responsibility for people in my life...yep, these are all foreign concepts to me...mostly the not moving towards is the most difficult one and the one where when i try staying with my own thoughts, feelings etc, i feel uncomfortable and start questioning myself...ultimately (usually, well the old me anyway) giving in to my discomfort and moving away from 'me' and towards the other - text messages, emails, phone calls etc...all in an effort to not have to sit with what is going on right here...

if i think back on almost all of my relationships...this pattern emerges, and it's funny, coz i occasionally joke with my close friends and say i 'don't do guilt' (it's one of my Dad's phrases...)....the sad thing is I actually do! not that i would admit it to anyone (well, except here!)...

and worse than the guilt, is the feelings of worthlessness that i often find myself having, and in this way it explains why, when left to my own devices, thoughts, feeling...i simply felt that i wasn't enough...wasn't good enough and so looked for that validation, that approval outside of myself...

when really, that approval can only come from within...guess old habits die hard and as i am now 42 (eek!) it's gonna take some time to unpack all of this stuff and sift through it all, trying to make sense of it...

but for me to really move forward past this stuff (and i don't mean forgetting or denying - coz it's part of who i have become) i have to start doing things differently, and therein lies the difficulty...what comes with this new way of being is some palpable fear of what it will lead to, what it will mean about me, and initially just trying to sit with the discomfort, rather than running away from it...

so here i sit, trying to stay with me, get to know me and not judge me...

methinks it's gonna be a tough ride, but well worth it - bit like the journey over the bridge, where i made it to the other side...xx