i'm done!

yep, i'm done with certain people and their expectations of me and this weeks lesson has just re-affirmed that! especially as it relates to friendship...

now that almost a week has passed since the first email from these friends expressing their 'collective disappointment' in me, followed up by another once i had responded...i find myself thinking that i have no desire to be on this one way street with them...the old me would have worked hard to find a way to stay on the street and even out all those bumps....but no more! i'm done...

i thought, perhaps misguidedly, that friendship was a two way street, that it was ok to make the odd transgression, that forgiveness was present, that being able to see things from an another's perspective was a feature? apparently not...

and this is not the first time this stuff has come up with friends, but you know, for the first time in ages (truthfully, probably ever!), other than the first 3 hours after receiving the email, i have decided not to let their expression of disappointment derail me or my week and have not even the slightest inclination to beat myself up and turn myself into a pretzel trying to make things right (yep, i do this...let me rephrase that: i used to do that!)...

nope, i am no longer that girl who can be thrown headlong into the guilt, needing to make amends, not trusting she was right or had a right to her feelings, and so of course, my return email, whilst genuine and kind and honest, was probably not quite what they were expecting and consequently, i get yet another 'we're disappointed in you' email...

well you know what? fuck them is all i can say...i am done with doing what everyone else (them in this instance) wants of me, i'm done with keeping quiet when something is important to me and i'm done with finding myself in one way streets....and as the week has gone on i have had plenty of time to consider what this friendship means to me and historically, sure, it has been a good and supportive friendship, but now as it is starting to unravel in front of my eyes, i can't actually see what it holds for me? 

if i can't be myself and be honest and open with my thoughts/feelings, then really, what is it but a facade? and i have absolutely no desire to continue to be in relationships if i am required to play a certain game where i'm not myself...life really is too short for that and having spent a large amount of the previous 42 years doing that, i choose not to going forward! 

soooo what that now means i guess is that as i go about making the changes in my life that are important to me, there will be some friendships that survive the change and some that won't...it's sure gonna be interesting to see which survive and prosper and which fall by the wayside...