decisions, decisions...

it seems that even in my dreams, i am forced with making decisions! no surprise really since our dreams are so reflective of what's going on in our waking hours!

funny, coz it's taken me having this one dream (or at least a similar variation on it) a number of times, before the penny dropped! and not because i'm slow, but because i have been faced with a lot of challenges in recent months and perhaps my 'dream analysis on the run' isn't quite so honed as it used to be!!!

soooo i occasionally (and by occasionally i mean maybe once a week or so) i have this dream where i am driving (usually there is someone with me, but sometimes not) and i find myself having to make a very quick decision about where to go, but the road is unfamiliar and looks a bit frightening to me...one time i had this after a dream where i was having tea with Chris's wife and the other night i had it and my Mum was in the car with me, and a road I normally know well, didn't look familiar and i felt a bit pressured into making a decision about which way to go, and of course, even though I thought i knew the right way to go, i didn't feel confident and it didn't feel right...

so, what does all this mean? well, on the whole i think it could be 2 things: it could be work related, as i am having some doubts about which decision to take this business in, but actually i think it's about Chris...see he wants to be friends, a part of me wants to be friends, but I actually don't think we can be (or I don't think I can be)....

his version of friends is not the same as mine, he is unlikely to feel comfortable telling his wife about me (even if we are just friends), no doubt neither of us will ever be able to forget our history...forgive maybe, but not forget...and i wonder if the way he lives his life (seemingly he is only interested if there's something in it for him, and right now, i can't see that us being friends will hold his interest for too long, especially since i am not about to become one of those friends with benefits...despite a small part of me thinking it could be fun...) is not actually the same as the way i live mine, and sure, a lot of my friends fall into that category, but a lot of my friends did not hurt and betray me at 13, rendering it difficult for me to trust!

soooo the dreams are really a reflection, i think, of the fear of taking one way or the other with Chris, and worrying about what will happen if i take one way (and not the other)..

as the days go by (in my waking life that is), i am starting to feel less and less pulled to him....the grip that the fantasy my 13 year old girl created is having less of an impact and my 42 year old self knows that walking away is probably the best thing to do...

and yet...

of course the pressure i put on myself to make a decision could be where the stress (and resulting dreams) is coming from??