and just for a fleeting moment

the sinking feeling returned today...

so imagine my surprise when the same person of monday's post fame (that sinking feeling) emails me again today to tell me again just how disappointed she is in me...

fuck, seriously! i am over people who just can't forgive anything in friends, and then, in addition to expressing her disappointment she tells me that my email back to her didn't have enough thought put into it....mmmm, wonder how she would know how much thought i had put into it??? guess she has powers i haven't yet stumbled across...

soo for a moment i was not happy, and started to contemplate a response, and then, you know what i did? i deleted it and haven't responded, and don't intend to!

wow, this is such a turn around from the old me - i would have responded and willingly entered into some sort of ridiculous and possibly childish email battle about who's disappointment was greater etc etc, but really, i don't care...

when i emailed her monday, i knew that the friendship was on the rocks - in fact i had felt this way when i stayed with them in june 2010 and since coming home i have sensed a shift - i even mentioned this in the email....

soooo the sinking feeling did appear for a fleeting moment, and i'd be lying if i didn't admit to feeling a wee bit sad by the fact that this friendship is quite possibly on it's last legs, but seriously, do i need friends in my life who are going to be disappointed when i voice my side of things and when i too admit to being disappointed?

i think not!

sooo it would seem that a lot of changes are going on for me, and as Sal and I talked about, it could create some tension in some of my old friendships - i fully accept that when someone attempts fundamental behavioural change it upsets those relationships that have been constructed on a different foundation - i get that...but for me, it's important that i have the right friends around me, ones who will be ok with be voicing my side of things, rather than just continuing to take responsibility for everything and saying sorry, when actually i don't think i really have anything to be sorry for...

i also thought, perhaps mistakenly, that friendship, good friendship anyway, allowed for some margin of error? does it? maybe not with this particular friend? if i have to be perfect (in their eyes, and in the way they want me to be) and never step over that fragile line, are these really the sort of friends i want?

soooo it's true, i'm a wee bit sad, not as sad as i am that jonathan kaplan (that bloody useless south african referee) saw fit to award a very soft penalty to the Rebels which cost my Brumbies the game, but sad none the less...

i'm tired, it's been a hugely emotional and enlightening 24 hours or so and i just want to go to bed and sleep...

and re tennis, i am having a bet with myself that it is NOT going to eventuate! only question now is what the wager is!