wondering how one actually

moves on from a fantasy you've held onto for nearly 30 years?

i have no idea how one does this, and by one, i mean me!

and it's funny, because as i said to my therapist yesterday, it seems that admitting that i actually was holding onto a dream, a fantasy, or perhaps just a hope, in some way, that diminishes it's hold on me...in some way, and yet, the hold remains...

and having spent a large amount of the weekend wondering how on earth i can get to a point where this fantasy has no hold on me whatsoever, i am still none the wiser?

sure, admitting it to myself was the first step, and as with all 'first steps' they often seem like the most difficult and take the longest time....telling my therapist was the second, and telling Chris (yep, i've finally decided on giving 'him' a name) the third...so now it would appear that whilst this fantasy/dream/hope is 'off my chest' there is still a residual hold....

and it's diminishing, that is for sure - in face the more i get to know him (now, and not as i remember him) the easier it is, but still, it's there...

and honestly, i have NO idea how it will be reduced in it's status from 'fantasy' to 'whim' and eventually to just some 'memory' from my childhood....

right now though, it's still something of a fantasy with something of a hold, and honestly, i find that quite hard to believe! how on earth does one hold onto a fantasy (albeit developed when i was a 12 year old girl) about a man who has hurt you, betrayed you, done something that has had a big impact (and not a good one) on your life, and who now he has shown up again to seek forgiveness, has admitted to cheating on his wife....

yep, i'm as gobsmacked as you are! but see, the fantasy was created before the horrible thing that happened between us, and since the memory of said event, was buried for so long (25 years in fact), and since i never thought i would see him or hear from him again (figuring that he still lived in England), the fantasy got no oxygen as it was not possible...

and of course, it's not really possible now, but of course, he's here and he's real - no longer just a memory - a real live breathing man! and one, in some ways, i find attractive - sure there are many unattractive sides to him, and it seems the more he shows himself to me, the less i like, but still....

so what i think, honestly, is that, as with everything that causes us difficulty or concern, time is the only healer! so i wonder just how much time it will take until i no longer think about him in any sort of fantastical way?

ps it'll be a year on wed (Aust Day) since i broke up with Ben and my parents kindly offered to meet me in Bowral for a picnic if i had no plans (i do, crystal healing and then dinner with a good friend) but i was touched by their concern :-)

ps having now spoken to my supervisor about the fantasy, i think she is right in saying that the fantasy was probably created when the event took place to make it ok in my 13 year old head? yep, that makes total sense....so whilst it served me well (at least then) it isn't really serving me well now, so it has to go...but like a bandaid i wonder if the best way is 'right off', you know one quick motion...seems that i can't quite pull it off (the one quick motion...)....so wondering where that will leave me?