surprising...

yep, in a way the latest events of last night were surprising...

ben sent me a text wishing me a happy new year, that was the first surprise

then he asked if he could call (alcohol will do this) and we talked...it was interesting - like talking to someone i knew and didn't know all at the same time - his voice sounded different than i remember but it has been nearly a year since we have spoken so i guess that's not entirely surprising...

what i realised when we were talking, because inevitably we discussed something i didn't really want to discuss...is that i didn't trust him to do the right thing...yep, i trusted him implicitly at the beginning and then i didn't...so what changed i wonder? what did he do to make my trust slide? or was it me? and honestly, i don't actually know the answer to that...

it was not necessarily a bad way to start my 2011 (you know i love realisations) but it made me sad in a way - seems that maybe i was responsible (or my lack of trust) for pushing him away (and i'm not saying he wasn't responsible for a lot of what went wrong in our relationship)....interesting thought for me to ponder on in coming quiet days....and of course it always takes two to tango, there are always two sides to every story - guess until last night, i hadn't really looked at it from his perspective...

what made me sad was some of what he said....things like he'll always love me, i'm great and he wishes he'd been more receptive....things like he really thought we had something (i did too) and it makes him sad that he was such a dick at the end (his words not mine) and that despite everything he still misses me, misses holding me and he finds it hard to hide that....and even though it made me sad, i guess it was his way of taking responsibility for his stuff...now i need to take responsibility for mine...

it's interesting to look back at the appearance of 'him' and realise that what happened that night, all those years ago can impact a seemingly good relationship, one that started with so much promise and an underlying trust in each other - even that couldn't survive the legacy of my past....and i can't say i'm angry, but it is a little overwhelming to realise just how much of an impact what he did has had on my life....sigh....plenty of work still to do!

and that isn't a surprise at all...