stumped...

and i am NOT talking about cricket! sooo following my request to 'him' for his email address (you know, because he's unreliable and i wanted to try and make him understand the impact his actions had on me) we catch up today, which in itself is a bit surprising as previous attempts to catch up have been cancelled (by him)...what i have realised about him is that he is not structured nor organised (and these aren't critiscisms but observations of his way of doing things...)...so it would seem that last minute works better for him...of course, it isn't my preferred way of working, but you get that!  at least his responsiveness and desire to hear my story in person shows (i guess) some level of care on his part?

so i was a bit anxious about seeing him again, not knowing how it would be (of course since i saw him the first time i've been so angry, a lot of which has been directed at him) and wondering how i would feel about him, and wondering if i would find him attractive (i didn't really - i mean, yes but mainly no!), and wondering if he would try and abrogate responsibility for stuff etc etc...i have posted before about how arrogant he is, and if i wanted to be friends with him (jury is out on whether a) i want to or b) would it be a good thing to do) then i might spend some time trying to understand whether he is actually arrogant or whether it's a front????

but it's funny, i've known him since we were 9 years old (he often mentions this) and as he told me today 'he picked me' and there is some comfort in spending time with someone you've known for so long (on one hand, and on the other hand i don't really know this man at all)...and then occasionally i remember what he did (and sure it was the stupid behaviour of a 13 year old boy) and it scares me...

but he did make some comment (and i shouldn't be surprised, as he's eluded to it before) about if it had happened to him he would deal with it differently and something about 'victim' mentality - can't say i was overly happy with that and honestly, how would he know - see this sort of thing (and i know this both personally and professionally) is not like other trauma...this is probably why i have thought long and hard about having anything to do with him, but as i said to him, i'm not ready to banish him forever (i believe that there is a reason he's turned up and sure that may be simply to give me the nudge i need to move on in my development...but still some small part of me doesn't want to say goodbye yet)....and who knows, if we will ever say goodbye?

still, i am not comfortable with his judgement of how i have handled things, and as i told him clearly today, i won't tolerate his glibness around the issue, and if he wants to research the impact of this sort of stuff, then he needs to do that via google or reading, not through asking me questions which leave me feeling as though it isn't a big deal...and of course since he left i have been wondering if in fact i have made a big deal out of it, and therein lies the main reason not to have contact with him...my wish is that he truly understands (even if he can't or doesn't want to) what impact it had on me, and not judge me or make me question that...i know the reality for me, it's him i'm trying to convince, and yet i now feel like i need to convince myself :-(

and me more than anyone wishes it wasn't a big deal, and you know what, it is and it isn't, but it has impacted my ability to trust, it has impacted my relationships with men, it has impacted my view of self and my view of intimacy...these are the things i want to change....but it's not as easy as pushing a button in my head! these beliefs were formed nearly 30 years ago and they are gonna take some undoing...

great thing about our brains though is that if we can learn something, we can also unlearn it...soooo now begins (well it's already begun actually) the long journey where i unlearn some of this stuff, so that i can have exactly what i want...

sooo i'm a bit stumped really! seeing him was ok, lastnight i was afraid i might like him, but when i'm being discerning, i'm not sure i do...i don't dislike him but i wonder if we hadn't met each other when we were 9 years old, and if he hadn't 'picked me' (to be his best friend or girlfriend, if 9 year old boys actually 'have' girlfriends) then is he someone i would have as a friend today? i'm not sure he is! we have nothing in common (if you exclude the 4 years we spent at school on the side of a hill together) today as far as i can tell...actually, maybe one thing - we both love rugby, and he loves my couches - can't argue with that!

i was able to get a couple of things off my chest though and that is probably good...in particular his comment to me the other night 'be careful, i'm at home' when i sent him a text at 7pm (responding to one he'd sent me)...i told him that he (and not me) is responsible for that and if he hasn't told his wife about me then that's his issue not mine...and sure, it's not the sort of thing you just tell your wife one day, but there is NOTHING actually going on between us, so his guilt (of which there must be some, despite his glibness and seeming lack of real care) must stem from the past....either way, NOTHING to do with moi!

soooo i am glad we caught up i think, i am glad that i got to say some of the stuff i've been carrying around (namely trying to get him to understand the impact and the fact that i am so hellbent on learning to trust again) and it's nice in some ways to be in touch with someone who remembers something of me that i no longer do...

who knows where it will go, who knows if i'll want to stay in touch with him...like i said, i'm stumped!