something to smile about...

and i'm not just talking about the cricket! of course, australia winning 2 ODI's does NOT in any way shape or form make up for the loss of the Ashes, but at least it gives the cricket fans something to smile about and will mean that my outing (courtesy of Cricket NSW) to the SCG on 2nd Feb will hopefully be a fun day! turns out they got my number from the company we bought tickets through for the SCG test, and when they called to ask if i had enjoyed it, i said the catering was appalling and that it wasn't great value for money (in contrast to the MCG offering)...he asked if he could make it up to me with 2 free tickets in the Mark Taylor Club and I said, no, I'll need 4! (and i honestly did having already committed to go to this match with a friend and her Mum, and of course, would not be right to go without my Dad)...sooo to the cricket we are going and for free - gotta love a freebie...

but that's not the reason i'm writing about, for smiling that is!

nope, see i had a couple of big realisations yesterday and they too, did not in fact make me smile, but like all personal development work i see these 'light bulb moments' as something of a positive, after the event!

i have spent most of the week at a client in Eastern Creek, which necessitates something of a drive each morning (and evening)...yesterday morning as i driving i realised something about myself, that i probably have thought about before, but hadn't realised perhaps just how much it impacts me, and how i am in certain relationships...

so somewhere in the Lane Cove Tunnel, after I had moved on from feeling sad that Ben had managed to get a girlfriend (only for 3 weeks mind) signifying that he has obviously managed to move on to a greater extent than i have (or maybe he hasn't?), i realised that i 'do' a whole lot more than i probably need to - see it turns out that as a result of a couple of key things (mainly in my childhood), being Sarah wasn't enough...seems i pretty much only got acknowledged or complimented or recognised when i was 'doing' something (doing well at school, excelling at sport, tidying my room etc etc) and that seems to have become hardwired in my brain...meaning that i don't think that being Sarah is enough :-(  this certainly impacted my relationship with Ben, and probably all other relationships if i look back (but Saturday morning is not a time i want to delve through my entire relationship history, otherwise the entire day will be wasted!)....

how sad then to realise that i spend a whole lot of time 'doing' stuff for others rather than just being me - i had said to my therapist ages ago that i tended to 'lose' myself when in relationship and this might be some of the reason why??

it's funny, this might be one of the reasons i tend to 'help' so much - coz by helping i am 'doing' something right? makes me a nice or good girl if i am helpful, but in fact, maybe it just takes me away from being and focuses my attention on doing...so that's going to take some pondering this weekend, and of course, that's ok coz i have the ENTIRE weekend free to just 'be'!

the disappointment of yesterday seems to have abated somewhat as i try and work my way through those feelings, and importantly, not so much the feelings but what i think it means about me....see CBT really is a useful thing!

i spent the afternoon at one of my favourite places (my hairdressers in Paddington)...honestly there aren't that many places i go where i feel at home, but there is one of them and yesterday i found out some news about the boss there (she also does my eyebrows)...seems she has split up with her husband, and so as she did my eyebrows we shared our stories, and i'm always astounded at just how much we have in common - and this didn't make me smile, because what we share in common is, sadly, a traumatic incident in our past, but to be able to know that someone truly understands your plight and gets why you have issues with trust and forming healthy relationships and to know that someone else believes that you deserve a happy ending...well that made me smile :-)

i also had a lovely conversation with my hairdresser - she's a lovely young woman and i've known her for years but only in the last year has she started doing my hair - she's a lot like me in some ways and yesterday we got talking about responsibility...seems since i have realised just how much responsibility i take for everyone else, a whole raft of people are falling in my path who have a similar challenge! her, Nat (my friend from Brisbane) and a variety of clients! i think the universe must be wanting to tell me something...??

so i came home...exhausted after a very long and tiring week, happy that the opportunity for more work with a certain client still looks likely, happy that a team building session with another will go ahead, but perhaps a little later than originally planned, and knowing that maybe just maybe, i am RIGHT where i need to be now...

and sure i want to meet someone and be with someone, but i realised that it has to be the RIGHT person, not just someone who comes along - he has to be right for me, to want the sort of relationship i want, to share most, if not all, of my values and to live the sort of life i want to live...most of all he has to love me for who i am and not what i do....

so universe if you are listening, which i have no doubt you are, please help me to recognise the right one when he turns up, and help me not to fall into 'doing' instead of just 'being'...