slowly but surely....

the difficulties of a certain some one's arrival in my life is starting to wane...and i mean really wane...

it's funny, on friday night, after a reasonably busy week, i was looking forward to a quiet weekend...but as it quite often the case, upon waking up i have these realisations (usually that i'm still single, have no-one special to share my life with and that in some way, he is responsible for that) that seem to have a way of making me feel like i haven't caught up with where my life is right now...

but of course, what i have found is that 'action' helps to shift that sort of thinking, and today as i was walking i started to think about a scene out of 'you've got mail', one where Kathleen (the main character) wonders about whether her life is small....and i have often had that same thought and wondered how i will feel when i look back on my life (in years to come)...and sure, i haven't done some of the conventional things yet (you know like marriage, kids, house etc) but then again, maybe i wasn't put on this earth for that?

do you ever wonder why you are here? and sure it's a philosophical and somewhat existential question, but one i am quite happy pondering, on occasion!

so i actually think that i was put on earth to help others....and I am not for one milli-second comparing myself to the likes of Ghandi, Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela etc, but i really do believe that my role is to help people live happier lives...

and sure, that might sound a bit out there, but since i went to Landmark in 2003, it's how i've felt, and pretty much every decision i have made since then (bar a few road bumps!) was to put myself in a position where i could do that....and i get that some might argue that i could have done it in my previous life (namely my corporate life)....but i didn't feel as though i could!

so this feeling, this belief, this sense of what i'm here to do, sometimes eases the pain of the reality of my life right now...and by reality i mean, the fact that i have not (yet) met someone i want to spend my life with, nor have i had children...and since i am 42 now, it seems increasingly unlikely that i will...and you know, mostly that's ok

sure i have moments where i think otherwise, and there are times when i feel as though 'life' has passed me by, but mostly, i'm pretty happy with my lot - especially now as the trauma that Chris turning up had caused is pretty much a passing thought, not like it was only weeks ago...at times i felt it would beat me, i felt consumed and trapped and angry....but all that seems to have passed, and as i throw myself into 'my life', however small it may look from another vantage point, i am starting to feel happier...

sooo this new 'life' that i have created is starting to take shape! meaning that there is an increasing amount of routine being created and i'm not yet sure whether that is good, but since almost all of the last 2 years have had very little in the way of routine and/or structure, maybe i will thrive on it!

so the routine (outside of work, where other than a standing Thursday at one client there is no routine) is looking like this: monday night meditation, tuesday night tennis coaching, wednesday night (nothing for now but throughout March and April) writing course, thursday night nothing, friday night acupuncture...every other saturday therapy and then there's the catching up with friends, exercising, reading, and getting out some more...see i'm determined to get myself out there this year in the hope of meeting a man! and of course, if i get really courageous there will be a phone call to a singing teacher so i can fit that in somewhere too...

now i ask you: does this sound like a small life? nope, no siree bob, it sure does not, and i guess, it isn't now that i've taken hold of it with both hands...

only thing left to do is make a bit more money out of my business so i can work out which travel destination i get to go to next!

on that note, i'm taking myself to bed to start a new book (just finished Ann Packer's Songs Without Words - loved it)....

nite xx

ps it would be remiss of me not to say Congratulations to Novak Djokovic who won the 2011 Australian Open in straight sets style! go Nole...