parenting...

is something i haven't given a lot of thought to over the years, probably because i am not, a parent! but today, it seems that with the 'incident' from my past, my therapist and i spent a large amount of my session talking about me 'parenting' the girl within...the hurt 13 year old and you know what? it kinda makes a whole lot of sense...

soooo until tuesday this week i had not heard from this man for 3 weeks and the initial days seemed difficult as i struggled to contain my anger and disappointment as yet again, he cancelled our plans (and for those of you who don't remember or haven't read the blog before...this was not a date! this person from my past has popped up after 29 years and wants to apologise - or so he says - his actions and words are largely inconsistent leaving me with mixed messages about why he has really turned up)...in this particular instance it was to be lunch at Watermark (one of Sydney's nicer restaurants and one of my personal favourites)...of course i have NO idea why after 2 other failed catch ups (where he cancelled) i actually thought it would go ahead, and truth be known, when i think back, i knew it wouldn't go ahead, but i had hoped it would...

yep, there it is! i've said it - out loud and for the 2nd time today...i hoped that he would turn into a decent human being and actually go through with his word - seemingly he doesn't appear to be able to do this - or maybe he doesn't want to...

sooo today i actually came clean with my therapist and said something to her that was hard for me to say - not because i thought she would judge me (on the contrary), but more because i was ashamed, embarrassed and honestly felt guilty just saying it, actually i've felt guilty just thinking it, so imagine now saying it out loud, to someone else!  see what my 42 year old voice cannot understand is why the 13 year old girl in me would hope that this man would sweep me off my feet with some enormously romantic gesture and we would live happily ever after...

it's been a difficult few weeks as i have contemplated cutting off all contact with this man - this decision is, of course, driven by the sensible 42 year old...and yet, the 13 year old who holds onto the abovementioned fantasy is seemingly not able to let the 42 year old make that decision...

and it hit me today, whilst talking to Sal, why do i have to make the decision right now? why am i putting myself under pressure to make any sort of decision, and then there is the pressure to feel like i have to tell him of my decision...of course doesn't help that i was caught out earlier this week...see in an attempt to 'remove' myself from the possibility of texting him when i'm angry, i removed his phone from my mobile and then having given up hope of hearing from him, i actually didn't recognise his number when a message came in this week - so much so, i responded with 'who is this?'...(got a laugh out of my therapist when i told her this!)...his response was 'you deleted my number?'...oops!

and honestly when i realised it was him i just felt sick...i had finally gotten used to the idea that he may not ever make contact again and i was ok with it, even enjoying the idea that he might be gone...but still, a part of me (perhaps it's the 13 year old with the fantasy, or maybe it's just hte 13 year old who's become the 42 year old who now realises the FULL impact of his actions on my life) wants him to understand what he has done...and i don't even know if a) that's possible or b) whether it will make any difference...but there you have it!

soooo the suggestion from my therapist right now is to make no decisions but rather for my 42 year old to 'parent' the 13 year old girl (and by parent she means listen to, understand, support, encourage, guide etc) - the one who was hurt, the one who's best friend betrayed her, the one who's best friend broke her trust and the one who holds onto this fantasy that, despite everything, he's going to turn out to be a 'someone'....

and by someone, whilst i'm not exactly sure what i want that to be, it feels like what i want is for the 13 year old boy who hurt me to say sorry and to take responsibility for what he did...but i don't think that person exists anymore...occasionally (only through texts, when it's easy i guess) do i get a glimmer that he might be there, but more often than not, i see only a pompous english know it all doctor, who really doesn't want to admit to just how much damage his actions have caused....

mmmm interesting times ahead!