i wish....

i wish i knew what was actually happening with my period cycle so i could track the mood swings...i now think that what i thought was PMT is actually (maybe) when i am ovulating...but since the whole 'period' thing has been infrequent until about 5 months ago, i have NO idea (seemingly) of what's actually going on in my body...sigh

i wish i knew when i would meet that special someone...or maybe i don't, maybe i just wish i believed that he will turn up...

so in my phone call with ben last night even he gets around to asking me if i have a boyfriend yet and when i say no he is incredulous...his reasoning being that i'm hot (i think that's what he said) and successful...of course he didn't say nice, and caring, and compassionate and funny etc etc...but hey, there seem to be lots of people who find it hard to believe i'm single, and me too - i'm one of those people....

course it didn't exactly help when i asked him the same question, that he said he'd had a girlfriend for 3 weeks (wow, 3 whole weeks)...obviously she is no longer around, but still, it didn't really help me to hear this, and sure i know i asked but still...

truth is, i didn't really want to know that, and i fully expect that he would have moved on before i do - seems to be the way of things really...but i didn't want to know this...

it was interesting then that after our call he tells me that he will always love me and he still misses me....and of course i get that, and on some level, i miss him too - not always and nowhere near as often as when we broke up, but this morning's post about public holidays made me really think about whether or not i missed him...
i wish that the time when i am totally ok about where things are at with ben would be now (honestly, it's pretty close, but still he has the ability to get under my skin - or is that just the sentimental me?)

and sadly, on these sorts of days, early on sure, they were great - we would sleep in, make love, have brekky, and then settle in for a day of shopping or watching dvd's...but as our relationship wore on, he had less inclination to get out and do things, and often i would find myself watching tv or doing things on my own because he didn't want to - and seriously, where's the fun in that? seriously, would be better to be single if you have to do things on your own all of the time - wouldn't it? i was having this very same conversation with my friend Leanne last night....

so the truth of it all is this: whilst i am sad occasionally when i think about Ben and what we had, most of the time i don't miss feeling sad that he never wanted to do anything, i don't miss having to organise everything, i don't miss having to make excuses for him, i don't miss having to decline invitations because he wouldn't go and i don't miss the angst that asking him if he wanted to accompany me to events such as bbq's, casual drop ins with good friends would create for me....

so really, i do find public holidays hard and i do get lonely, but i don't think that's since the breakup with ben...truth be told, i felt this way BEFORE he even showed up....

so what i wish is that we both are able to find relationships that work for us and i hope for my sake, the time will come, and soon, that when he says the sorts of things he said lastnight (you know nice things and his regret) i won't get so sad...having said that it is way better to be where i am right now that in that angry and hurt stage that seems to have characterised the last 11 months....

and i wish that i had someone special to share public holidays, and other days with....

soooo i'm going to take myself off to bed and think about what i wish for as i go....
nite!