i survived...

yep, tomorrow will be the one year anniversary since Ben and I broke up...and when i think about how i feel tonight, compared with how i felt this time last year...well it just makes me sad that i let him stay for as long as i did!

of course, i know A LOT more about myself now than i did then...many many realisations have come to light in the last year, and with good friends, support from my Mum & Dad, my therapist and my supervisor, i have come through...

and let's not forget my own resolve!

so this time last year Ben's mum had just sent through the photos from Xmas, she had made them into a special online photo album, and as i sat and looked at them (through her eyes, and with all of the annotations she attached to photos)...it hit me that i couldn't do another day...

and i have to be brutally honest and say that whilst i knew that the decision had been coming for a long time prior to it happening, actually going through with it was one of the single most difficult things i have ever done...

and yet, here i am! a year later! i'm wiser definitely, happier yes, of course i'd like to meet someone eventually, but the right someone and i hope that when there is a next time, i will not even contemplate hanging around for WAY longer than i know i should...no matter what list of reasons i make myself think are good enough...

soooo i survived, actually i think in some ways i have probably prospered a little bit too - i have a level of freedom i had forgotten existed, i no longer feel inclined to take responsibility for someone else, i don't have to come home wondering what i am coming home to, i don't have to be disappointed when i think having a partner means i have someone to rely on, someone to support me and someone who loves me, when actually, with Ben, at the end anyway, it didn't actually mean that...

so as i crawl into bed tonight after spending some time at one of my all time favourite places today (Balmoral Beach) i feel much happier than i did this time last year, and let's hope that next year, i feel much happier again...

i went to Balmoral to contemplate some things, namely the beliefs about myself that formed whilst Ben and I were together, but of course between people watching (one of my favourite pastimes) and a good book, i didn't really make any headway at all...so perhaps that's a job for another day!

nite x