not sure exactly how i feel today...despite feeling quite upbeat last night, i woke up feeling a bit flat, which of course, is not a surprise really...
i found myself drinking tea in bed and remembering the morning a year ago where i didn't even feel like drinking the tea Ben made and brought to me...i remember him getting up early, me trying to sleep, but in reality i was going over what i needed to say and consequently i spent nearly 2 hours tossing and turning...when he got back into bed, i started crying, he said something dismissive and then it was over...
and truthfully it makes me sad...remembering just how hard that day was, the difficult months in the lead up to that day, and then just how quickly 2 years of living together can come to an abrupt end...
sooo a coupla weird dreams last night, and the memories of this time last year, and i woke up feeling flat...then found out that my crystal healing session was cancelled today, which i'm disappointed about (but there was a good reason...there usually is!)...but tea with one of my best friends later, dinner with another and until then a relaxing day at home...
sadly, the relaxing day at home means WAY too much time for me to think, the reminisce, to remember and that's not all good...
the other thing i have been thinking about this morning is my expectation of other people - something i really want to work on this year - and i wonder where that expectation comes from? is it because i feel as though my whole life key people have had such high expectations of me and because my fear of not being good enough means i usually live up to them, do i expect everybody else is the same? which of course they aren't, but do i think they are? and does this lead to me having the very same expectations of others?
sooo who knows, but what i do know is this: i want to feel better about things, and me having expectations seems to impact me and possibly then my relationships (i.e. i find myself at times projecting these expectations onto others - how can you not right?)...so it's something i want to focus on so that i can start to let go of some of these expectations which only leave me feeling disappointed and that i'm not good enough or important and no doubt get in the way of some of my relationships...god knows it definitely impacted my relationship with Ben, of course he didn't care in the end...but it added to my level of occasional paranoia!
yet another year of self development seems inevitable...!!
happy Australia Day...one thing i am certain of is how blessed i feel to live here...i spent yesterday afternoon at Balmoral Beach (my all time favourite - well maybe, I love Manly too) just reading and people watching and trying to sift through some of my thoughts and beliefs...and i got to wondering how different my life would be if we had stayed in the UK - not only would my birthday be in winter (yuk) but i have no idea what i would have ended up doing...would Chris and I have seen each other sooner? would he have been able to apologise sooner? would i now be married and have a family? who knows? what i do know is that i love it here and even though Australia Day will for a little while be tinged with sadness for me, it is still a day when I can be grateful for the life i have here and for the stunning city i live in...
ok, off to lunch, then some exercise, then dinner, then cricket! perfect!
oh and MJ, if you are reading this, wishing you a very very happy birthday! no public holiday on your birthday - bet you are feeling slightly ripped off, but hoping you have a wonderful day...sar xx
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