the difficulties of a certain some one's arrival in my life is starting to wane...and i mean really wane...
it's funny, on friday night, after a reasonably busy week, i was looking forward to a quiet weekend...but as it quite often the case, upon waking up i have these realisations (usually that i'm still single, have no-one special to share my life with and that in some way, he is responsible for that) that seem to have a way of making me feel like i haven't caught up with where my life is right now...
but of course, what i have found is that 'action' helps to shift that sort of thinking, and today as i was walking i started to think about a scene out of 'you've got mail', one where Kathleen (the main character) wonders about whether her life is small....and i have often had that same thought and wondered how i will feel when i look back on my life (in years to come)...and sure, i haven't done some of the conventional things yet (you know like marriage, kids, house etc) but then again, maybe i wasn't put on this earth for that?
do you ever wonder why you are here? and sure it's a philosophical and somewhat existential question, but one i am quite happy pondering, on occasion!
so i actually think that i was put on earth to help others....and I am not for one milli-second comparing myself to the likes of Ghandi, Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela etc, but i really do believe that my role is to help people live happier lives...
and sure, that might sound a bit out there, but since i went to Landmark in 2003, it's how i've felt, and pretty much every decision i have made since then (bar a few road bumps!) was to put myself in a position where i could do that....and i get that some might argue that i could have done it in my previous life (namely my corporate life)....but i didn't feel as though i could!
so this feeling, this belief, this sense of what i'm here to do, sometimes eases the pain of the reality of my life right now...and by reality i mean, the fact that i have not (yet) met someone i want to spend my life with, nor have i had children...and since i am 42 now, it seems increasingly unlikely that i will...and you know, mostly that's ok
sure i have moments where i think otherwise, and there are times when i feel as though 'life' has passed me by, but mostly, i'm pretty happy with my lot - especially now as the trauma that Chris turning up had caused is pretty much a passing thought, not like it was only weeks ago...at times i felt it would beat me, i felt consumed and trapped and angry....but all that seems to have passed, and as i throw myself into 'my life', however small it may look from another vantage point, i am starting to feel happier...
sooo this new 'life' that i have created is starting to take shape! meaning that there is an increasing amount of routine being created and i'm not yet sure whether that is good, but since almost all of the last 2 years have had very little in the way of routine and/or structure, maybe i will thrive on it!
so the routine (outside of work, where other than a standing Thursday at one client there is no routine) is looking like this: monday night meditation, tuesday night tennis coaching, wednesday night (nothing for now but throughout March and April) writing course, thursday night nothing, friday night acupuncture...every other saturday therapy and then there's the catching up with friends, exercising, reading, and getting out some more...see i'm determined to get myself out there this year in the hope of meeting a man! and of course, if i get really courageous there will be a phone call to a singing teacher so i can fit that in somewhere too...
now i ask you: does this sound like a small life? nope, no siree bob, it sure does not, and i guess, it isn't now that i've taken hold of it with both hands...
only thing left to do is make a bit more money out of my business so i can work out which travel destination i get to go to next!
on that note, i'm taking myself to bed to start a new book (just finished Ann Packer's Songs Without Words - loved it)....
nite xx
ps it would be remiss of me not to say Congratulations to Novak Djokovic who won the 2011 Australian Open in straight sets style! go Nole...
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
testing testing 1,2,3
yep, turns out that the last week has provided ample opportunities for me to try out my voice...and you know what? i hadn't even realised until i was with my therapist today...
so it would seem that there were 4 or 5 things where i was able to voice my opinion/thoughts/needs, without letting it become bigger than ben hur (and consequently feeling guilty for being rude or aggressive, or worse, high maintenance because i built it up to be something in my head that it really wasn't)....turns out, if you practice dealing with things as they come up, they don't really become 'things' at all...
go figure!
so had a great session with Sal, one where i reflected on the week that was, including how i dealt with Aust Day...
and i'm too tired to go into way more detail, but suffice it to say the fantasy with you know who is slowly slowly starting to die - as if by admitting out loud and then to a coupla trusted friends, it isn't such a big deal - it's no longer a secret of course, and so i don't feel as though it has to just live in my head (where it previously got WAY too much attention)....and so as the week has gone on, the pull towards this man is slowly diminishing....
of course, it has been such a big week on other fronts, that it hasn't had the attention it might previously have been allowed...and that can only be good, right? of course good in a 'it just hasn't seemed so important' rather than 'i'm going to pretend it's not a fantasy'...which is actually denial, and clearly that ain't working so well for me!
funny then to get to the end of my session today (with my therapist) and have not mentioned Chris at all...this is the first therapy session in nearly 2 months where he didn't get a look in...and THAT is surely a great sign :-)
and so as the week came to an end, and i spent a nice day with my sister and the kids Friday for her birthday, i started to feel like the new old Sarah again...happy, content with my lot and more positive than i have felt in AGES...
and so i think it's fair to say, that now that the 1 year anniversary of the breakup has passed, and knowing that there will now be no more firsts post Ben, it's as though something has lifted...my official mourning period is over methinks...
sooo from here on in it really is going to be about me and living my life...a life that will include a whole stack of things i previously didn't embark on, but no more waiting! no more living in a holding pattern waiting for someone else to make it better...no more building things up in my head until they explode and i beat myself up and then wonder what the hell is wrong with me!
nope, it's as if my New Year started on 27 Jan rather than 1 Jan, and sure i'm 26 days late, but at least I got there, and in the end, that's all that's going to count...
sooo nite x
so it would seem that there were 4 or 5 things where i was able to voice my opinion/thoughts/needs, without letting it become bigger than ben hur (and consequently feeling guilty for being rude or aggressive, or worse, high maintenance because i built it up to be something in my head that it really wasn't)....turns out, if you practice dealing with things as they come up, they don't really become 'things' at all...
go figure!
so had a great session with Sal, one where i reflected on the week that was, including how i dealt with Aust Day...
and i'm too tired to go into way more detail, but suffice it to say the fantasy with you know who is slowly slowly starting to die - as if by admitting out loud and then to a coupla trusted friends, it isn't such a big deal - it's no longer a secret of course, and so i don't feel as though it has to just live in my head (where it previously got WAY too much attention)....and so as the week has gone on, the pull towards this man is slowly diminishing....
of course, it has been such a big week on other fronts, that it hasn't had the attention it might previously have been allowed...and that can only be good, right? of course good in a 'it just hasn't seemed so important' rather than 'i'm going to pretend it's not a fantasy'...which is actually denial, and clearly that ain't working so well for me!
funny then to get to the end of my session today (with my therapist) and have not mentioned Chris at all...this is the first therapy session in nearly 2 months where he didn't get a look in...and THAT is surely a great sign :-)
and so as the week came to an end, and i spent a nice day with my sister and the kids Friday for her birthday, i started to feel like the new old Sarah again...happy, content with my lot and more positive than i have felt in AGES...
and so i think it's fair to say, that now that the 1 year anniversary of the breakup has passed, and knowing that there will now be no more firsts post Ben, it's as though something has lifted...my official mourning period is over methinks...
sooo from here on in it really is going to be about me and living my life...a life that will include a whole stack of things i previously didn't embark on, but no more waiting! no more living in a holding pattern waiting for someone else to make it better...no more building things up in my head until they explode and i beat myself up and then wonder what the hell is wrong with me!
nope, it's as if my New Year started on 27 Jan rather than 1 Jan, and sure i'm 26 days late, but at least I got there, and in the end, that's all that's going to count...
sooo nite x
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
happy australia day...for me!
so after a somewhat shaky start, one where i found it hard to escape the memories of last year, and in fact, the year before that, the day has turned out to be just lovely :-)
having spent a few too many hours at home feeling sad about my memories of Australia Day's of the immediate past, i got dressed, ate lunch and went over to one of my best friends...and what a perfect way to spend an afternoon :-)
having spent a lovely afternoon, and not really wanting to tear myself away, i did, as another of my best friends had said she would have dinner with me...turns out she gave up sailing so she could be here in time for dinner (that really is touching as she is mad about sailing...thx Em)...she arrived armed with my blow up mattress and a beautiful present for my birthday - a totally divine pink waffle weave bath robe - luxury! i have been wanting a new bathrobe for as long as i can remember - in her bathroom last time i was there i saw a gorgeous white waffle weave one - asked where she got it from, so imagine my delight when she has bought me one, and it's pink (not a big fan of white, even though i think she would have gotten my blue if they had had one!)...it's soooo nice
of course the two parts of my day were quite a contrast - KK's was busy with lots of activity (family, kids, lunch, tv, tea making) and dinner was a quieter affair where Em and I caught up on a month's worth of life (it's been nearly a month since we caught up)...and even though the intention of spending this evening together was so I didn't have to be alone on the 1 year anniversary of the break up, we spent a large amount of time talking about the ever diminishing fantasy with Chris that has had a hold on me...great to get her perspective on it!
soooo my Australia Day turned out to be very happy actually and I realised that even though i dearly would love a special someone to share my life with, public holidays don't have to be so lonely when i have some amazingly good friends...and amazingly good friends i definitely have! in that regard i am truly blessed...
nite xx
having spent a few too many hours at home feeling sad about my memories of Australia Day's of the immediate past, i got dressed, ate lunch and went over to one of my best friends...and what a perfect way to spend an afternoon :-)
having spent a lovely afternoon, and not really wanting to tear myself away, i did, as another of my best friends had said she would have dinner with me...turns out she gave up sailing so she could be here in time for dinner (that really is touching as she is mad about sailing...thx Em)...she arrived armed with my blow up mattress and a beautiful present for my birthday - a totally divine pink waffle weave bath robe - luxury! i have been wanting a new bathrobe for as long as i can remember - in her bathroom last time i was there i saw a gorgeous white waffle weave one - asked where she got it from, so imagine my delight when she has bought me one, and it's pink (not a big fan of white, even though i think she would have gotten my blue if they had had one!)...it's soooo nice
of course the two parts of my day were quite a contrast - KK's was busy with lots of activity (family, kids, lunch, tv, tea making) and dinner was a quieter affair where Em and I caught up on a month's worth of life (it's been nearly a month since we caught up)...and even though the intention of spending this evening together was so I didn't have to be alone on the 1 year anniversary of the break up, we spent a large amount of time talking about the ever diminishing fantasy with Chris that has had a hold on me...great to get her perspective on it!
soooo my Australia Day turned out to be very happy actually and I realised that even though i dearly would love a special someone to share my life with, public holidays don't have to be so lonely when i have some amazingly good friends...and amazingly good friends i definitely have! in that regard i am truly blessed...
nite xx
happy australia day....for some
not sure exactly how i feel today...despite feeling quite upbeat last night, i woke up feeling a bit flat, which of course, is not a surprise really...
i found myself drinking tea in bed and remembering the morning a year ago where i didn't even feel like drinking the tea Ben made and brought to me...i remember him getting up early, me trying to sleep, but in reality i was going over what i needed to say and consequently i spent nearly 2 hours tossing and turning...when he got back into bed, i started crying, he said something dismissive and then it was over...
and truthfully it makes me sad...remembering just how hard that day was, the difficult months in the lead up to that day, and then just how quickly 2 years of living together can come to an abrupt end...
sooo a coupla weird dreams last night, and the memories of this time last year, and i woke up feeling flat...then found out that my crystal healing session was cancelled today, which i'm disappointed about (but there was a good reason...there usually is!)...but tea with one of my best friends later, dinner with another and until then a relaxing day at home...
sadly, the relaxing day at home means WAY too much time for me to think, the reminisce, to remember and that's not all good...
the other thing i have been thinking about this morning is my expectation of other people - something i really want to work on this year - and i wonder where that expectation comes from? is it because i feel as though my whole life key people have had such high expectations of me and because my fear of not being good enough means i usually live up to them, do i expect everybody else is the same? which of course they aren't, but do i think they are? and does this lead to me having the very same expectations of others?
sooo who knows, but what i do know is this: i want to feel better about things, and me having expectations seems to impact me and possibly then my relationships (i.e. i find myself at times projecting these expectations onto others - how can you not right?)...so it's something i want to focus on so that i can start to let go of some of these expectations which only leave me feeling disappointed and that i'm not good enough or important and no doubt get in the way of some of my relationships...god knows it definitely impacted my relationship with Ben, of course he didn't care in the end...but it added to my level of occasional paranoia!
yet another year of self development seems inevitable...!!
happy Australia Day...one thing i am certain of is how blessed i feel to live here...i spent yesterday afternoon at Balmoral Beach (my all time favourite - well maybe, I love Manly too) just reading and people watching and trying to sift through some of my thoughts and beliefs...and i got to wondering how different my life would be if we had stayed in the UK - not only would my birthday be in winter (yuk) but i have no idea what i would have ended up doing...would Chris and I have seen each other sooner? would he have been able to apologise sooner? would i now be married and have a family? who knows? what i do know is that i love it here and even though Australia Day will for a little while be tinged with sadness for me, it is still a day when I can be grateful for the life i have here and for the stunning city i live in...
ok, off to lunch, then some exercise, then dinner, then cricket! perfect!
oh and MJ, if you are reading this, wishing you a very very happy birthday! no public holiday on your birthday - bet you are feeling slightly ripped off, but hoping you have a wonderful day...sar xx
i found myself drinking tea in bed and remembering the morning a year ago where i didn't even feel like drinking the tea Ben made and brought to me...i remember him getting up early, me trying to sleep, but in reality i was going over what i needed to say and consequently i spent nearly 2 hours tossing and turning...when he got back into bed, i started crying, he said something dismissive and then it was over...
and truthfully it makes me sad...remembering just how hard that day was, the difficult months in the lead up to that day, and then just how quickly 2 years of living together can come to an abrupt end...
sooo a coupla weird dreams last night, and the memories of this time last year, and i woke up feeling flat...then found out that my crystal healing session was cancelled today, which i'm disappointed about (but there was a good reason...there usually is!)...but tea with one of my best friends later, dinner with another and until then a relaxing day at home...
sadly, the relaxing day at home means WAY too much time for me to think, the reminisce, to remember and that's not all good...
the other thing i have been thinking about this morning is my expectation of other people - something i really want to work on this year - and i wonder where that expectation comes from? is it because i feel as though my whole life key people have had such high expectations of me and because my fear of not being good enough means i usually live up to them, do i expect everybody else is the same? which of course they aren't, but do i think they are? and does this lead to me having the very same expectations of others?
sooo who knows, but what i do know is this: i want to feel better about things, and me having expectations seems to impact me and possibly then my relationships (i.e. i find myself at times projecting these expectations onto others - how can you not right?)...so it's something i want to focus on so that i can start to let go of some of these expectations which only leave me feeling disappointed and that i'm not good enough or important and no doubt get in the way of some of my relationships...god knows it definitely impacted my relationship with Ben, of course he didn't care in the end...but it added to my level of occasional paranoia!
yet another year of self development seems inevitable...!!
happy Australia Day...one thing i am certain of is how blessed i feel to live here...i spent yesterday afternoon at Balmoral Beach (my all time favourite - well maybe, I love Manly too) just reading and people watching and trying to sift through some of my thoughts and beliefs...and i got to wondering how different my life would be if we had stayed in the UK - not only would my birthday be in winter (yuk) but i have no idea what i would have ended up doing...would Chris and I have seen each other sooner? would he have been able to apologise sooner? would i now be married and have a family? who knows? what i do know is that i love it here and even though Australia Day will for a little while be tinged with sadness for me, it is still a day when I can be grateful for the life i have here and for the stunning city i live in...
ok, off to lunch, then some exercise, then dinner, then cricket! perfect!
oh and MJ, if you are reading this, wishing you a very very happy birthday! no public holiday on your birthday - bet you are feeling slightly ripped off, but hoping you have a wonderful day...sar xx
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
i survived...
yep, tomorrow will be the one year anniversary since Ben and I broke up...and when i think about how i feel tonight, compared with how i felt this time last year...well it just makes me sad that i let him stay for as long as i did!
of course, i know A LOT more about myself now than i did then...many many realisations have come to light in the last year, and with good friends, support from my Mum & Dad, my therapist and my supervisor, i have come through...
and let's not forget my own resolve!
so this time last year Ben's mum had just sent through the photos from Xmas, she had made them into a special online photo album, and as i sat and looked at them (through her eyes, and with all of the annotations she attached to photos)...it hit me that i couldn't do another day...
and i have to be brutally honest and say that whilst i knew that the decision had been coming for a long time prior to it happening, actually going through with it was one of the single most difficult things i have ever done...
and yet, here i am! a year later! i'm wiser definitely, happier yes, of course i'd like to meet someone eventually, but the right someone and i hope that when there is a next time, i will not even contemplate hanging around for WAY longer than i know i should...no matter what list of reasons i make myself think are good enough...
soooo i survived, actually i think in some ways i have probably prospered a little bit too - i have a level of freedom i had forgotten existed, i no longer feel inclined to take responsibility for someone else, i don't have to come home wondering what i am coming home to, i don't have to be disappointed when i think having a partner means i have someone to rely on, someone to support me and someone who loves me, when actually, with Ben, at the end anyway, it didn't actually mean that...
so as i crawl into bed tonight after spending some time at one of my all time favourite places today (Balmoral Beach) i feel much happier than i did this time last year, and let's hope that next year, i feel much happier again...
i went to Balmoral to contemplate some things, namely the beliefs about myself that formed whilst Ben and I were together, but of course between people watching (one of my favourite pastimes) and a good book, i didn't really make any headway at all...so perhaps that's a job for another day!
nite x
of course, i know A LOT more about myself now than i did then...many many realisations have come to light in the last year, and with good friends, support from my Mum & Dad, my therapist and my supervisor, i have come through...
and let's not forget my own resolve!
so this time last year Ben's mum had just sent through the photos from Xmas, she had made them into a special online photo album, and as i sat and looked at them (through her eyes, and with all of the annotations she attached to photos)...it hit me that i couldn't do another day...
and i have to be brutally honest and say that whilst i knew that the decision had been coming for a long time prior to it happening, actually going through with it was one of the single most difficult things i have ever done...
and yet, here i am! a year later! i'm wiser definitely, happier yes, of course i'd like to meet someone eventually, but the right someone and i hope that when there is a next time, i will not even contemplate hanging around for WAY longer than i know i should...no matter what list of reasons i make myself think are good enough...
soooo i survived, actually i think in some ways i have probably prospered a little bit too - i have a level of freedom i had forgotten existed, i no longer feel inclined to take responsibility for someone else, i don't have to come home wondering what i am coming home to, i don't have to be disappointed when i think having a partner means i have someone to rely on, someone to support me and someone who loves me, when actually, with Ben, at the end anyway, it didn't actually mean that...
so as i crawl into bed tonight after spending some time at one of my all time favourite places today (Balmoral Beach) i feel much happier than i did this time last year, and let's hope that next year, i feel much happier again...
i went to Balmoral to contemplate some things, namely the beliefs about myself that formed whilst Ben and I were together, but of course between people watching (one of my favourite pastimes) and a good book, i didn't really make any headway at all...so perhaps that's a job for another day!
nite x
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Freud would just love to analyse these dreams...
oh my god! i woke up this morning in something of a head spin...
when Chris and i caught up the other day we started a conversation about dreams, coz i had a strange one the day before him and i caught up (can't remember now what it was about - god knows, i have SO many strange dreams, it's hard to keep track of them all) and he said he'd had a weird dream too
of course we moved quickly onto another topic of conversation and did not end up talking about the details...
but last night i can remember at least 3 very strange dreams with him (and in one case, his wife, who i've never met!!!!)....
firstly, the one where i received an email invitation to meet him at midday one day this coming week! well firstly he doesn't have my email address (of course it wouldn't be hard to find)....i guess this was my pre-occupation with wondering if he will, in fact, make contact this coming week, after having said 'lets catch up next week' to talk about my big admission...
secondly, there was the dream where him and i were eating dinner at my parents house (but it wasn't their actual house but another house - one where the windows were basically right on a main road, so it was noisy)...we were sitting having lunch, he was holding my hand, and i ask him what he told his family - he tells them he's at a conference in Newcastle....see i mentioned the 'fantasy' still has some hold, but of course Freud did believe that dreams were largely about 'wish fulfilment' so that makes some sense! then i notice that his hair is long and died blond (he has short dark hair in reality), and then my dad came in and then we were in another room (as if I've come back from somewhere) and suddenly his blond hair has gone and when i mention it, he says 'i just wondered if you would notice'...then we are talking about my health (in particular the cough and throat stuff) and he looks me over (medically speaking) and tells me I have something called Hunts Disease (of course I have no idea if this actually exists) and then, conscious that i haven't had a period (not worried about it just aware of it) since 2nd December, i ask him (in the dream) if this 'disease' would impact my periods - he says yes...i think i woke up then
then, and this is the weirdest one of all, i'm having lunch with his wife and a friend (not sure which friend of mine it was) and i have to leave, and find myself driving to Canberra, but on the way realise i have forgotten my suitcase with my medication in it...so call her (as if I have her number) but the road is very very strange and it feels as though i am driving but am not in control of the car and then the road sort of forks into two and i have to quickly choose which way i am going...
sooo Sigmund Freud, analyse that because i'm not sure i can get a good read on what it all means!
when Chris and i caught up the other day we started a conversation about dreams, coz i had a strange one the day before him and i caught up (can't remember now what it was about - god knows, i have SO many strange dreams, it's hard to keep track of them all) and he said he'd had a weird dream too
of course we moved quickly onto another topic of conversation and did not end up talking about the details...
but last night i can remember at least 3 very strange dreams with him (and in one case, his wife, who i've never met!!!!)....
firstly, the one where i received an email invitation to meet him at midday one day this coming week! well firstly he doesn't have my email address (of course it wouldn't be hard to find)....i guess this was my pre-occupation with wondering if he will, in fact, make contact this coming week, after having said 'lets catch up next week' to talk about my big admission...
secondly, there was the dream where him and i were eating dinner at my parents house (but it wasn't their actual house but another house - one where the windows were basically right on a main road, so it was noisy)...we were sitting having lunch, he was holding my hand, and i ask him what he told his family - he tells them he's at a conference in Newcastle....see i mentioned the 'fantasy' still has some hold, but of course Freud did believe that dreams were largely about 'wish fulfilment' so that makes some sense! then i notice that his hair is long and died blond (he has short dark hair in reality), and then my dad came in and then we were in another room (as if I've come back from somewhere) and suddenly his blond hair has gone and when i mention it, he says 'i just wondered if you would notice'...then we are talking about my health (in particular the cough and throat stuff) and he looks me over (medically speaking) and tells me I have something called Hunts Disease (of course I have no idea if this actually exists) and then, conscious that i haven't had a period (not worried about it just aware of it) since 2nd December, i ask him (in the dream) if this 'disease' would impact my periods - he says yes...i think i woke up then
then, and this is the weirdest one of all, i'm having lunch with his wife and a friend (not sure which friend of mine it was) and i have to leave, and find myself driving to Canberra, but on the way realise i have forgotten my suitcase with my medication in it...so call her (as if I have her number) but the road is very very strange and it feels as though i am driving but am not in control of the car and then the road sort of forks into two and i have to quickly choose which way i am going...
sooo Sigmund Freud, analyse that because i'm not sure i can get a good read on what it all means!
wondering how one actually
moves on from a fantasy you've held onto for nearly 30 years?
i have no idea how one does this, and by one, i mean me!
and it's funny, because as i said to my therapist yesterday, it seems that admitting that i actually was holding onto a dream, a fantasy, or perhaps just a hope, in some way, that diminishes it's hold on me...in some way, and yet, the hold remains...
and having spent a large amount of the weekend wondering how on earth i can get to a point where this fantasy has no hold on me whatsoever, i am still none the wiser?
sure, admitting it to myself was the first step, and as with all 'first steps' they often seem like the most difficult and take the longest time....telling my therapist was the second, and telling Chris (yep, i've finally decided on giving 'him' a name) the third...so now it would appear that whilst this fantasy/dream/hope is 'off my chest' there is still a residual hold....
and it's diminishing, that is for sure - in face the more i get to know him (now, and not as i remember him) the easier it is, but still, it's there...
and honestly, i have NO idea how it will be reduced in it's status from 'fantasy' to 'whim' and eventually to just some 'memory' from my childhood....
right now though, it's still something of a fantasy with something of a hold, and honestly, i find that quite hard to believe! how on earth does one hold onto a fantasy (albeit developed when i was a 12 year old girl) about a man who has hurt you, betrayed you, done something that has had a big impact (and not a good one) on your life, and who now he has shown up again to seek forgiveness, has admitted to cheating on his wife....
yep, i'm as gobsmacked as you are! but see, the fantasy was created before the horrible thing that happened between us, and since the memory of said event, was buried for so long (25 years in fact), and since i never thought i would see him or hear from him again (figuring that he still lived in England), the fantasy got no oxygen as it was not possible...
and of course, it's not really possible now, but of course, he's here and he's real - no longer just a memory - a real live breathing man! and one, in some ways, i find attractive - sure there are many unattractive sides to him, and it seems the more he shows himself to me, the less i like, but still....
so what i think, honestly, is that, as with everything that causes us difficulty or concern, time is the only healer! so i wonder just how much time it will take until i no longer think about him in any sort of fantastical way?
ps it'll be a year on wed (Aust Day) since i broke up with Ben and my parents kindly offered to meet me in Bowral for a picnic if i had no plans (i do, crystal healing and then dinner with a good friend) but i was touched by their concern :-)
ps having now spoken to my supervisor about the fantasy, i think she is right in saying that the fantasy was probably created when the event took place to make it ok in my 13 year old head? yep, that makes total sense....so whilst it served me well (at least then) it isn't really serving me well now, so it has to go...but like a bandaid i wonder if the best way is 'right off', you know one quick motion...seems that i can't quite pull it off (the one quick motion...)....so wondering where that will leave me?
i have no idea how one does this, and by one, i mean me!
and it's funny, because as i said to my therapist yesterday, it seems that admitting that i actually was holding onto a dream, a fantasy, or perhaps just a hope, in some way, that diminishes it's hold on me...in some way, and yet, the hold remains...
and having spent a large amount of the weekend wondering how on earth i can get to a point where this fantasy has no hold on me whatsoever, i am still none the wiser?
sure, admitting it to myself was the first step, and as with all 'first steps' they often seem like the most difficult and take the longest time....telling my therapist was the second, and telling Chris (yep, i've finally decided on giving 'him' a name) the third...so now it would appear that whilst this fantasy/dream/hope is 'off my chest' there is still a residual hold....
and it's diminishing, that is for sure - in face the more i get to know him (now, and not as i remember him) the easier it is, but still, it's there...
and honestly, i have NO idea how it will be reduced in it's status from 'fantasy' to 'whim' and eventually to just some 'memory' from my childhood....
right now though, it's still something of a fantasy with something of a hold, and honestly, i find that quite hard to believe! how on earth does one hold onto a fantasy (albeit developed when i was a 12 year old girl) about a man who has hurt you, betrayed you, done something that has had a big impact (and not a good one) on your life, and who now he has shown up again to seek forgiveness, has admitted to cheating on his wife....
yep, i'm as gobsmacked as you are! but see, the fantasy was created before the horrible thing that happened between us, and since the memory of said event, was buried for so long (25 years in fact), and since i never thought i would see him or hear from him again (figuring that he still lived in England), the fantasy got no oxygen as it was not possible...
and of course, it's not really possible now, but of course, he's here and he's real - no longer just a memory - a real live breathing man! and one, in some ways, i find attractive - sure there are many unattractive sides to him, and it seems the more he shows himself to me, the less i like, but still....
so what i think, honestly, is that, as with everything that causes us difficulty or concern, time is the only healer! so i wonder just how much time it will take until i no longer think about him in any sort of fantastical way?
ps it'll be a year on wed (Aust Day) since i broke up with Ben and my parents kindly offered to meet me in Bowral for a picnic if i had no plans (i do, crystal healing and then dinner with a good friend) but i was touched by their concern :-)
ps having now spoken to my supervisor about the fantasy, i think she is right in saying that the fantasy was probably created when the event took place to make it ok in my 13 year old head? yep, that makes total sense....so whilst it served me well (at least then) it isn't really serving me well now, so it has to go...but like a bandaid i wonder if the best way is 'right off', you know one quick motion...seems that i can't quite pull it off (the one quick motion...)....so wondering where that will leave me?
Saturday, January 22, 2011
something to smile about...
and i'm not just talking about the cricket! of course, australia winning 2 ODI's does NOT in any way shape or form make up for the loss of the Ashes, but at least it gives the cricket fans something to smile about and will mean that my outing (courtesy of Cricket NSW) to the SCG on 2nd Feb will hopefully be a fun day! turns out they got my number from the company we bought tickets through for the SCG test, and when they called to ask if i had enjoyed it, i said the catering was appalling and that it wasn't great value for money (in contrast to the MCG offering)...he asked if he could make it up to me with 2 free tickets in the Mark Taylor Club and I said, no, I'll need 4! (and i honestly did having already committed to go to this match with a friend and her Mum, and of course, would not be right to go without my Dad)...sooo to the cricket we are going and for free - gotta love a freebie...
but that's not the reason i'm writing about, for smiling that is!
nope, see i had a couple of big realisations yesterday and they too, did not in fact make me smile, but like all personal development work i see these 'light bulb moments' as something of a positive, after the event!
i have spent most of the week at a client in Eastern Creek, which necessitates something of a drive each morning (and evening)...yesterday morning as i driving i realised something about myself, that i probably have thought about before, but hadn't realised perhaps just how much it impacts me, and how i am in certain relationships...
so somewhere in the Lane Cove Tunnel, after I had moved on from feeling sad that Ben had managed to get a girlfriend (only for 3 weeks mind) signifying that he has obviously managed to move on to a greater extent than i have (or maybe he hasn't?), i realised that i 'do' a whole lot more than i probably need to - see it turns out that as a result of a couple of key things (mainly in my childhood), being Sarah wasn't enough...seems i pretty much only got acknowledged or complimented or recognised when i was 'doing' something (doing well at school, excelling at sport, tidying my room etc etc) and that seems to have become hardwired in my brain...meaning that i don't think that being Sarah is enough :-( this certainly impacted my relationship with Ben, and probably all other relationships if i look back (but Saturday morning is not a time i want to delve through my entire relationship history, otherwise the entire day will be wasted!)....
how sad then to realise that i spend a whole lot of time 'doing' stuff for others rather than just being me - i had said to my therapist ages ago that i tended to 'lose' myself when in relationship and this might be some of the reason why??
it's funny, this might be one of the reasons i tend to 'help' so much - coz by helping i am 'doing' something right? makes me a nice or good girl if i am helpful, but in fact, maybe it just takes me away from being and focuses my attention on doing...so that's going to take some pondering this weekend, and of course, that's ok coz i have the ENTIRE weekend free to just 'be'!
the disappointment of yesterday seems to have abated somewhat as i try and work my way through those feelings, and importantly, not so much the feelings but what i think it means about me....see CBT really is a useful thing!
i spent the afternoon at one of my favourite places (my hairdressers in Paddington)...honestly there aren't that many places i go where i feel at home, but there is one of them and yesterday i found out some news about the boss there (she also does my eyebrows)...seems she has split up with her husband, and so as she did my eyebrows we shared our stories, and i'm always astounded at just how much we have in common - and this didn't make me smile, because what we share in common is, sadly, a traumatic incident in our past, but to be able to know that someone truly understands your plight and gets why you have issues with trust and forming healthy relationships and to know that someone else believes that you deserve a happy ending...well that made me smile :-)
i also had a lovely conversation with my hairdresser - she's a lovely young woman and i've known her for years but only in the last year has she started doing my hair - she's a lot like me in some ways and yesterday we got talking about responsibility...seems since i have realised just how much responsibility i take for everyone else, a whole raft of people are falling in my path who have a similar challenge! her, Nat (my friend from Brisbane) and a variety of clients! i think the universe must be wanting to tell me something...??
so i came home...exhausted after a very long and tiring week, happy that the opportunity for more work with a certain client still looks likely, happy that a team building session with another will go ahead, but perhaps a little later than originally planned, and knowing that maybe just maybe, i am RIGHT where i need to be now...
and sure i want to meet someone and be with someone, but i realised that it has to be the RIGHT person, not just someone who comes along - he has to be right for me, to want the sort of relationship i want, to share most, if not all, of my values and to live the sort of life i want to live...most of all he has to love me for who i am and not what i do....
so universe if you are listening, which i have no doubt you are, please help me to recognise the right one when he turns up, and help me not to fall into 'doing' instead of just 'being'...
but that's not the reason i'm writing about, for smiling that is!
nope, see i had a couple of big realisations yesterday and they too, did not in fact make me smile, but like all personal development work i see these 'light bulb moments' as something of a positive, after the event!
i have spent most of the week at a client in Eastern Creek, which necessitates something of a drive each morning (and evening)...yesterday morning as i driving i realised something about myself, that i probably have thought about before, but hadn't realised perhaps just how much it impacts me, and how i am in certain relationships...
so somewhere in the Lane Cove Tunnel, after I had moved on from feeling sad that Ben had managed to get a girlfriend (only for 3 weeks mind) signifying that he has obviously managed to move on to a greater extent than i have (or maybe he hasn't?), i realised that i 'do' a whole lot more than i probably need to - see it turns out that as a result of a couple of key things (mainly in my childhood), being Sarah wasn't enough...seems i pretty much only got acknowledged or complimented or recognised when i was 'doing' something (doing well at school, excelling at sport, tidying my room etc etc) and that seems to have become hardwired in my brain...meaning that i don't think that being Sarah is enough :-( this certainly impacted my relationship with Ben, and probably all other relationships if i look back (but Saturday morning is not a time i want to delve through my entire relationship history, otherwise the entire day will be wasted!)....
how sad then to realise that i spend a whole lot of time 'doing' stuff for others rather than just being me - i had said to my therapist ages ago that i tended to 'lose' myself when in relationship and this might be some of the reason why??
it's funny, this might be one of the reasons i tend to 'help' so much - coz by helping i am 'doing' something right? makes me a nice or good girl if i am helpful, but in fact, maybe it just takes me away from being and focuses my attention on doing...so that's going to take some pondering this weekend, and of course, that's ok coz i have the ENTIRE weekend free to just 'be'!
the disappointment of yesterday seems to have abated somewhat as i try and work my way through those feelings, and importantly, not so much the feelings but what i think it means about me....see CBT really is a useful thing!
i spent the afternoon at one of my favourite places (my hairdressers in Paddington)...honestly there aren't that many places i go where i feel at home, but there is one of them and yesterday i found out some news about the boss there (she also does my eyebrows)...seems she has split up with her husband, and so as she did my eyebrows we shared our stories, and i'm always astounded at just how much we have in common - and this didn't make me smile, because what we share in common is, sadly, a traumatic incident in our past, but to be able to know that someone truly understands your plight and gets why you have issues with trust and forming healthy relationships and to know that someone else believes that you deserve a happy ending...well that made me smile :-)
i also had a lovely conversation with my hairdresser - she's a lovely young woman and i've known her for years but only in the last year has she started doing my hair - she's a lot like me in some ways and yesterday we got talking about responsibility...seems since i have realised just how much responsibility i take for everyone else, a whole raft of people are falling in my path who have a similar challenge! her, Nat (my friend from Brisbane) and a variety of clients! i think the universe must be wanting to tell me something...??
so i came home...exhausted after a very long and tiring week, happy that the opportunity for more work with a certain client still looks likely, happy that a team building session with another will go ahead, but perhaps a little later than originally planned, and knowing that maybe just maybe, i am RIGHT where i need to be now...
and sure i want to meet someone and be with someone, but i realised that it has to be the RIGHT person, not just someone who comes along - he has to be right for me, to want the sort of relationship i want, to share most, if not all, of my values and to live the sort of life i want to live...most of all he has to love me for who i am and not what i do....
so universe if you are listening, which i have no doubt you are, please help me to recognise the right one when he turns up, and help me not to fall into 'doing' instead of just 'being'...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
wee bit disappointed...
tonight, and i really shouldn't be, not that i'm a big fan of 'shoulds' but really, i shouldn't!
sooo after a lot of contact with 'him' in the last few days, i was disappointed today when there was no contact, and of course having expectations of him is not a great place to be...and there are a coupla reasons for that! firstly, he's married, secondly, we haven't agreed yet on what sort of a relationship we will have in the future (meaning that i'm not even sure we will be friends) and thirdly, he is so unreliable that i would be silly to have any expectations of him...
but still, the whole day went by without a text and of course i can't text him as one never knows when it's ok to do so....meaning that he seems to have all the 'power' in this 'relationship'....and i really do not like that!
of course i'm tired, it's been a big day and quite possibly he is so stumped by what i told him yesterday that he's run off into his cave (men do this, right?) to have a think about it...
of course there is the reality of the situation - which is that he said we'd get together next week and so in his mind, the conversation, as it were, is over...
so why am i disappointed? well, i think it has a little bit to do with what i think it says about me that he hasn't made contact and this comes back to this view of self, self esteem and my 'moving towards' rather than staying with myself...
could be an interesting session in therapy this weekend!
nite x
sooo after a lot of contact with 'him' in the last few days, i was disappointed today when there was no contact, and of course having expectations of him is not a great place to be...and there are a coupla reasons for that! firstly, he's married, secondly, we haven't agreed yet on what sort of a relationship we will have in the future (meaning that i'm not even sure we will be friends) and thirdly, he is so unreliable that i would be silly to have any expectations of him...
but still, the whole day went by without a text and of course i can't text him as one never knows when it's ok to do so....meaning that he seems to have all the 'power' in this 'relationship'....and i really do not like that!
of course i'm tired, it's been a big day and quite possibly he is so stumped by what i told him yesterday that he's run off into his cave (men do this, right?) to have a think about it...
of course there is the reality of the situation - which is that he said we'd get together next week and so in his mind, the conversation, as it were, is over...
so why am i disappointed? well, i think it has a little bit to do with what i think it says about me that he hasn't made contact and this comes back to this view of self, self esteem and my 'moving towards' rather than staying with myself...
could be an interesting session in therapy this weekend!
nite x
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
very proud of self...
yep, it's true...i did something today that i never thought i would have the courage to do, not in a million years...
remember the post where i mentioned i had managed to say something out loud, not only to myself, but also to my therapist? well, that very same thing had to do with a fantasy i have held onto for 29 years...you know the fantasy about 'him' where he would (at some point) turn up and we would be together because i believed we should be together - of course, this was (is) the fantasy of a 13 year old girl, but seemingly the 42 year old in me, had never quite forgotten it, or given it up...and in fact him turning up seemed to re-ignite this fantasy, even though it made me very frightened, given everything that had happened...
how does that happen? how do we hang on to something or someone from our past and idolise them, put them on a pedestal, only to have them actually turn up, and be nothing like we imagined? sure, physically he's exactly as i thought he would be, but he's not really (when i'm discerning, and behaving like an intelligent 42 year old woman) the sort of man i want to be with...
certainly he looks the part, he's big, tall and i felt safe in his arms (and that is an entirely different story), and he's smart, successful, presumably well to do etc....but the sad thing (or maybe it's actually a good thing but i just can't see it like that yet) is that the more i get to know him, the less i actually like him...and that means that the fantasy is starting to diminish and the power that the voice of that 13 year old girl who had him on a pedestal is suddenly starting to quieten down...
see this is a man who doesn't value what i value - he has admitted to me (seemingly with no guilt, but of course i can't really know that) that he has cheated on his wife...almost brags about it...and this is SO not the sort of man i want to fall in love with....i want to be with someone who wants to be with me in the same sort of way i want to be with him, someone who wants to build a life together, someone who wants to be a true partner in life and someone i can grow old with...and sure, perhaps some of my fantasy about relationships is why after so long i haven't found 'the one for me' - perhaps it's just a bit too unrealistic, but i'm not willing to give it up just yet...
see there are sides to him that i find very unattractive - you know the glibness, the suggestiveness, his seeming inability to remain serious when i finally start to open up, his way of questioning me which becomes rather clinical/medical and leaving me feeling like my experience doesn't count - and so that makes it increasingly difficult to hold onto this fantasy, at least with him as the central character.....of course it doesn't help that this person, albeit as a child, did something that hurt me and betrayed me, his best friend and childhood love, and in doing so has meant that since that day i have struggled to trust anyone...and yet, the fantasy of my childhood still has a pull...although it is becoming slowly apparent that he is NOT the sort of man i want to fall in love with, even if, in my head, for 30 years i have assumed he was...
soooo the last few weeks (which were mainly quiet as we had no contact over the xmas period) have been an interesting time and one where this fantasy actually came to light...that was pretty tough for me to accept and then to realise that it was driving some of my behaviour/responses with him...but then to realise that perhaps the reason i didn't want to say goodbye to him (at least not yet) was because of this...scary stuff...it's amazing just how powerful a notion developed in childhood can stay with us so long, even when it really is a fantastical notion and even though we lived 13,000 kilometres apart for so long, a small part of me has held onto it...the other thing i realised was that in hiding this fantasy, not only from myself, but from him, he only saw a certain side of me - the tough cool exterior that i don't really like and isn't really me, but i was afraid and frightened and not sure that he was/is someone i could trust and so today, what i did, in sharing with him what's really going on for me, was perhaps the first step in learning how to trust again...him certainly, but more importantly myself...see since that time, i haven't trusted my judgement with men and maybe just maybe the healing starts here...with trusting him and myself with him??
so what i actually said was this: 'No, I don't think it is...sure on some level I think it might be interesting to explore but my visions of being with my childhood love do not include an affair with a married man...even if I never forgot him and always thought the universe might find a way for us to be together thinking s I did that we were meant to be together...see at the heart of it is my romantic fantasy and imagine how hard it has been to have that co-exist knowing what you did and how you betrayed me...and when you hugged me the first time we caught up i felt safer than i had for such a long time, and then the confusion set in...so there you go, i've said it"
sooo in a way, him telling me that he is not faithful to his wife, made it so much easier to say this to him, as even though for 30 years he has been on that pedestal in my head, the foundations of that pedestal are fast crumbling beneath him....
i feel as though a huge weight has been lifted and strangely, i feel as though my chest infection may have been a reflection of my need to get a whole lot of stuff off my chest, as it were! it's funny how our bodies so often seem to mimic what's going on in our mind
soooo i'm very proud of myself and as i said to my good friend earlier when she rang to see how i was doing (thanks Nat), i feel as though telling him was not only a step in learning how to trust others, and him, but in trusting myself and my judgement about what i needed to do...
all good!
nite xx
remember the post where i mentioned i had managed to say something out loud, not only to myself, but also to my therapist? well, that very same thing had to do with a fantasy i have held onto for 29 years...you know the fantasy about 'him' where he would (at some point) turn up and we would be together because i believed we should be together - of course, this was (is) the fantasy of a 13 year old girl, but seemingly the 42 year old in me, had never quite forgotten it, or given it up...and in fact him turning up seemed to re-ignite this fantasy, even though it made me very frightened, given everything that had happened...
how does that happen? how do we hang on to something or someone from our past and idolise them, put them on a pedestal, only to have them actually turn up, and be nothing like we imagined? sure, physically he's exactly as i thought he would be, but he's not really (when i'm discerning, and behaving like an intelligent 42 year old woman) the sort of man i want to be with...
certainly he looks the part, he's big, tall and i felt safe in his arms (and that is an entirely different story), and he's smart, successful, presumably well to do etc....but the sad thing (or maybe it's actually a good thing but i just can't see it like that yet) is that the more i get to know him, the less i actually like him...and that means that the fantasy is starting to diminish and the power that the voice of that 13 year old girl who had him on a pedestal is suddenly starting to quieten down...
see this is a man who doesn't value what i value - he has admitted to me (seemingly with no guilt, but of course i can't really know that) that he has cheated on his wife...almost brags about it...and this is SO not the sort of man i want to fall in love with....i want to be with someone who wants to be with me in the same sort of way i want to be with him, someone who wants to build a life together, someone who wants to be a true partner in life and someone i can grow old with...and sure, perhaps some of my fantasy about relationships is why after so long i haven't found 'the one for me' - perhaps it's just a bit too unrealistic, but i'm not willing to give it up just yet...
see there are sides to him that i find very unattractive - you know the glibness, the suggestiveness, his seeming inability to remain serious when i finally start to open up, his way of questioning me which becomes rather clinical/medical and leaving me feeling like my experience doesn't count - and so that makes it increasingly difficult to hold onto this fantasy, at least with him as the central character.....of course it doesn't help that this person, albeit as a child, did something that hurt me and betrayed me, his best friend and childhood love, and in doing so has meant that since that day i have struggled to trust anyone...and yet, the fantasy of my childhood still has a pull...although it is becoming slowly apparent that he is NOT the sort of man i want to fall in love with, even if, in my head, for 30 years i have assumed he was...
soooo the last few weeks (which were mainly quiet as we had no contact over the xmas period) have been an interesting time and one where this fantasy actually came to light...that was pretty tough for me to accept and then to realise that it was driving some of my behaviour/responses with him...but then to realise that perhaps the reason i didn't want to say goodbye to him (at least not yet) was because of this...scary stuff...it's amazing just how powerful a notion developed in childhood can stay with us so long, even when it really is a fantastical notion and even though we lived 13,000 kilometres apart for so long, a small part of me has held onto it...the other thing i realised was that in hiding this fantasy, not only from myself, but from him, he only saw a certain side of me - the tough cool exterior that i don't really like and isn't really me, but i was afraid and frightened and not sure that he was/is someone i could trust and so today, what i did, in sharing with him what's really going on for me, was perhaps the first step in learning how to trust again...him certainly, but more importantly myself...see since that time, i haven't trusted my judgement with men and maybe just maybe the healing starts here...with trusting him and myself with him??
so what i actually said was this: 'No, I don't think it is...sure on some level I think it might be interesting to explore but my visions of being with my childhood love do not include an affair with a married man...even if I never forgot him and always thought the universe might find a way for us to be together thinking s I did that we were meant to be together...see at the heart of it is my romantic fantasy and imagine how hard it has been to have that co-exist knowing what you did and how you betrayed me...and when you hugged me the first time we caught up i felt safer than i had for such a long time, and then the confusion set in...so there you go, i've said it"
sooo in a way, him telling me that he is not faithful to his wife, made it so much easier to say this to him, as even though for 30 years he has been on that pedestal in my head, the foundations of that pedestal are fast crumbling beneath him....
i feel as though a huge weight has been lifted and strangely, i feel as though my chest infection may have been a reflection of my need to get a whole lot of stuff off my chest, as it were! it's funny how our bodies so often seem to mimic what's going on in our mind
soooo i'm very proud of myself and as i said to my good friend earlier when she rang to see how i was doing (thanks Nat), i feel as though telling him was not only a step in learning how to trust others, and him, but in trusting myself and my judgement about what i needed to do...
all good!
nite xx
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
stumped...
and i am NOT talking about cricket! sooo following my request to 'him' for his email address (you know, because he's unreliable and i wanted to try and make him understand the impact his actions had on me) we catch up today, which in itself is a bit surprising as previous attempts to catch up have been cancelled (by him)...what i have realised about him is that he is not structured nor organised (and these aren't critiscisms but observations of his way of doing things...)...so it would seem that last minute works better for him...of course, it isn't my preferred way of working, but you get that! at least his responsiveness and desire to hear my story in person shows (i guess) some level of care on his part?
so i was a bit anxious about seeing him again, not knowing how it would be (of course since i saw him the first time i've been so angry, a lot of which has been directed at him) and wondering how i would feel about him, and wondering if i would find him attractive (i didn't really - i mean, yes but mainly no!), and wondering if he would try and abrogate responsibility for stuff etc etc...i have posted before about how arrogant he is, and if i wanted to be friends with him (jury is out on whether a) i want to or b) would it be a good thing to do) then i might spend some time trying to understand whether he is actually arrogant or whether it's a front????
but it's funny, i've known him since we were 9 years old (he often mentions this) and as he told me today 'he picked me' and there is some comfort in spending time with someone you've known for so long (on one hand, and on the other hand i don't really know this man at all)...and then occasionally i remember what he did (and sure it was the stupid behaviour of a 13 year old boy) and it scares me...
but he did make some comment (and i shouldn't be surprised, as he's eluded to it before) about if it had happened to him he would deal with it differently and something about 'victim' mentality - can't say i was overly happy with that and honestly, how would he know - see this sort of thing (and i know this both personally and professionally) is not like other trauma...this is probably why i have thought long and hard about having anything to do with him, but as i said to him, i'm not ready to banish him forever (i believe that there is a reason he's turned up and sure that may be simply to give me the nudge i need to move on in my development...but still some small part of me doesn't want to say goodbye yet)....and who knows, if we will ever say goodbye?
still, i am not comfortable with his judgement of how i have handled things, and as i told him clearly today, i won't tolerate his glibness around the issue, and if he wants to research the impact of this sort of stuff, then he needs to do that via google or reading, not through asking me questions which leave me feeling as though it isn't a big deal...and of course since he left i have been wondering if in fact i have made a big deal out of it, and therein lies the main reason not to have contact with him...my wish is that he truly understands (even if he can't or doesn't want to) what impact it had on me, and not judge me or make me question that...i know the reality for me, it's him i'm trying to convince, and yet i now feel like i need to convince myself :-(
and me more than anyone wishes it wasn't a big deal, and you know what, it is and it isn't, but it has impacted my ability to trust, it has impacted my relationships with men, it has impacted my view of self and my view of intimacy...these are the things i want to change....but it's not as easy as pushing a button in my head! these beliefs were formed nearly 30 years ago and they are gonna take some undoing...
great thing about our brains though is that if we can learn something, we can also unlearn it...soooo now begins (well it's already begun actually) the long journey where i unlearn some of this stuff, so that i can have exactly what i want...
sooo i'm a bit stumped really! seeing him was ok, lastnight i was afraid i might like him, but when i'm being discerning, i'm not sure i do...i don't dislike him but i wonder if we hadn't met each other when we were 9 years old, and if he hadn't 'picked me' (to be his best friend or girlfriend, if 9 year old boys actually 'have' girlfriends) then is he someone i would have as a friend today? i'm not sure he is! we have nothing in common (if you exclude the 4 years we spent at school on the side of a hill together) today as far as i can tell...actually, maybe one thing - we both love rugby, and he loves my couches - can't argue with that!
i was able to get a couple of things off my chest though and that is probably good...in particular his comment to me the other night 'be careful, i'm at home' when i sent him a text at 7pm (responding to one he'd sent me)...i told him that he (and not me) is responsible for that and if he hasn't told his wife about me then that's his issue not mine...and sure, it's not the sort of thing you just tell your wife one day, but there is NOTHING actually going on between us, so his guilt (of which there must be some, despite his glibness and seeming lack of real care) must stem from the past....either way, NOTHING to do with moi!
soooo i am glad we caught up i think, i am glad that i got to say some of the stuff i've been carrying around (namely trying to get him to understand the impact and the fact that i am so hellbent on learning to trust again) and it's nice in some ways to be in touch with someone who remembers something of me that i no longer do...
who knows where it will go, who knows if i'll want to stay in touch with him...like i said, i'm stumped!
so i was a bit anxious about seeing him again, not knowing how it would be (of course since i saw him the first time i've been so angry, a lot of which has been directed at him) and wondering how i would feel about him, and wondering if i would find him attractive (i didn't really - i mean, yes but mainly no!), and wondering if he would try and abrogate responsibility for stuff etc etc...i have posted before about how arrogant he is, and if i wanted to be friends with him (jury is out on whether a) i want to or b) would it be a good thing to do) then i might spend some time trying to understand whether he is actually arrogant or whether it's a front????
but it's funny, i've known him since we were 9 years old (he often mentions this) and as he told me today 'he picked me' and there is some comfort in spending time with someone you've known for so long (on one hand, and on the other hand i don't really know this man at all)...and then occasionally i remember what he did (and sure it was the stupid behaviour of a 13 year old boy) and it scares me...
but he did make some comment (and i shouldn't be surprised, as he's eluded to it before) about if it had happened to him he would deal with it differently and something about 'victim' mentality - can't say i was overly happy with that and honestly, how would he know - see this sort of thing (and i know this both personally and professionally) is not like other trauma...this is probably why i have thought long and hard about having anything to do with him, but as i said to him, i'm not ready to banish him forever (i believe that there is a reason he's turned up and sure that may be simply to give me the nudge i need to move on in my development...but still some small part of me doesn't want to say goodbye yet)....and who knows, if we will ever say goodbye?
still, i am not comfortable with his judgement of how i have handled things, and as i told him clearly today, i won't tolerate his glibness around the issue, and if he wants to research the impact of this sort of stuff, then he needs to do that via google or reading, not through asking me questions which leave me feeling as though it isn't a big deal...and of course since he left i have been wondering if in fact i have made a big deal out of it, and therein lies the main reason not to have contact with him...my wish is that he truly understands (even if he can't or doesn't want to) what impact it had on me, and not judge me or make me question that...i know the reality for me, it's him i'm trying to convince, and yet i now feel like i need to convince myself :-(
and me more than anyone wishes it wasn't a big deal, and you know what, it is and it isn't, but it has impacted my ability to trust, it has impacted my relationships with men, it has impacted my view of self and my view of intimacy...these are the things i want to change....but it's not as easy as pushing a button in my head! these beliefs were formed nearly 30 years ago and they are gonna take some undoing...
great thing about our brains though is that if we can learn something, we can also unlearn it...soooo now begins (well it's already begun actually) the long journey where i unlearn some of this stuff, so that i can have exactly what i want...
sooo i'm a bit stumped really! seeing him was ok, lastnight i was afraid i might like him, but when i'm being discerning, i'm not sure i do...i don't dislike him but i wonder if we hadn't met each other when we were 9 years old, and if he hadn't 'picked me' (to be his best friend or girlfriend, if 9 year old boys actually 'have' girlfriends) then is he someone i would have as a friend today? i'm not sure he is! we have nothing in common (if you exclude the 4 years we spent at school on the side of a hill together) today as far as i can tell...actually, maybe one thing - we both love rugby, and he loves my couches - can't argue with that!
i was able to get a couple of things off my chest though and that is probably good...in particular his comment to me the other night 'be careful, i'm at home' when i sent him a text at 7pm (responding to one he'd sent me)...i told him that he (and not me) is responsible for that and if he hasn't told his wife about me then that's his issue not mine...and sure, it's not the sort of thing you just tell your wife one day, but there is NOTHING actually going on between us, so his guilt (of which there must be some, despite his glibness and seeming lack of real care) must stem from the past....either way, NOTHING to do with moi!
soooo i am glad we caught up i think, i am glad that i got to say some of the stuff i've been carrying around (namely trying to get him to understand the impact and the fact that i am so hellbent on learning to trust again) and it's nice in some ways to be in touch with someone who remembers something of me that i no longer do...
who knows where it will go, who knows if i'll want to stay in touch with him...like i said, i'm stumped!
Monday, January 17, 2011
cathartic?
so that's the question i am asking myself tonight...since my session on the weekend i have been pondering about what to do (if anything) regarding 'him'...i feel as though i need to explain to him what impact his actions have had on me but since he never gets in touch when he says he will, since the 'catch up' we are supposed to be having is unlikely (in my opinion) to ever happen, i feel as though i need another option...and right now (although i'm on the fence) it seems like writing him an email may well suffice...
of course i had (some time ago) considered (when he asked) giving him the blog details, but i subsequently decided against that believing that at some point, i would start to censor my posts if i knew he was reading....
sooo i'm a bit undecided about whether writing him an email (of course i could write in and NOT send it - that still may be cathartic) will help me at all, and that is really the only thing on my mind...
sure i could say some things, but will it change anything? reality is probably not, but i feel (from a place deep inside of me) that i need to try and make him understand what he has done...
on the other hand, is this just some part of the 'fantasy' i have playing in my head (on occasion, not very often, but still, it's there...sigh) where he turns into a decent human being?
and honestly, i don't know the answer...so even if he does divulge said email address, i may never use it...but right now (tonight) it seems important to have asked...
time will tell i guess!
of course i had (some time ago) considered (when he asked) giving him the blog details, but i subsequently decided against that believing that at some point, i would start to censor my posts if i knew he was reading....
sooo i'm a bit undecided about whether writing him an email (of course i could write in and NOT send it - that still may be cathartic) will help me at all, and that is really the only thing on my mind...
sure i could say some things, but will it change anything? reality is probably not, but i feel (from a place deep inside of me) that i need to try and make him understand what he has done...
on the other hand, is this just some part of the 'fantasy' i have playing in my head (on occasion, not very often, but still, it's there...sigh) where he turns into a decent human being?
and honestly, i don't know the answer...so even if he does divulge said email address, i may never use it...but right now (tonight) it seems important to have asked...
time will tell i guess!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
i love shane watson...
i do! it's the truth...he played a sensational innings tonight and it was great to see him get the highest EVER score by an Aussie batsman against England in an ODI! you go Shane...he has such amazing ability and for him to be a part of a team that lost the Ashes just doesn't seem right...
sooo now that the Aussies have won 2 games in a row (one T20 and one ODI), perhaps some of our players can rebuild their confidence and get Australia back to where it should be...
i was thinking as i watched the match tonight, that maybe (when i was younger) i should have hung around the cricket grounds/clubs more often - wouldn't be too sad to be partnered with a cricketer!
soooo i'll stop gushing about Watto now and move onto other matters at hand...namely, the issue of how i feel about the possible return of 'him' sometime this week - what i have noticed in our communications is that he tends to make contact early in the week (of course weekends are a no go zone, which suits me just fine - at least there are 2 days in every week where i can not have to wonder if there will be a message from him)....and as i'm reading this i wonder just how long it's going to take until i don't care anymore...
maybe not that long!
nite xx
sooo now that the Aussies have won 2 games in a row (one T20 and one ODI), perhaps some of our players can rebuild their confidence and get Australia back to where it should be...
i was thinking as i watched the match tonight, that maybe (when i was younger) i should have hung around the cricket grounds/clubs more often - wouldn't be too sad to be partnered with a cricketer!
soooo i'll stop gushing about Watto now and move onto other matters at hand...namely, the issue of how i feel about the possible return of 'him' sometime this week - what i have noticed in our communications is that he tends to make contact early in the week (of course weekends are a no go zone, which suits me just fine - at least there are 2 days in every week where i can not have to wonder if there will be a message from him)....and as i'm reading this i wonder just how long it's going to take until i don't care anymore...
maybe not that long!
nite xx
Saturday, January 15, 2011
happy birthday to me...
not today, but a coupla days ago! and what a stark contrast from last year...see i LOVE birthdays! if you are someone who's ever been out with me or are my friend, then you will know just how important i rate birthdays - they are kinda up there with the most important day of the year...well in fact, they pretty much are!
so imagine my horror when on my 41st birthday (last year), my partner of the time, does nothing (no card, no effort, no present) and i end up having what i can only describe as a horror day...of course when i deign to bring this up with him, he flies off the handle and we nearly break up - we managed to salvage an ok evening (in the end) only to breakup some 16 days later...guess it wasn't meant to be!
so i wasn't really looking forward to this particular birthday - i figured (incorrectly!) that it would be an entirely sad sort of a day, one where i would wake up alone (yet again) and find myself reliving the horror of last year...
no no! the day prior i had an afternoon tea with 8 of my best girlfriends (2 or 3 could not, sadly, attend)...we ate cake, drank tea and chatted and you know what? it was the loveliest way to spend my birthday...i got some lovely and totally unexpected presents (a gorgeous japan city tea pot and cups, a beautiful skalli ring, hand cream, a tshirt, a voucher for dymocks, body stuff, earrings and a lovely bunch of flowers) - i was totally spoiled :-) i got so many messages (voicemails, texts, emails and FB messages) on the day that i needed a PA to handle them all...such a contrast to the year before...
and of course on the day went to the PM's XI with my parents...ran into a few old Canberra friends and generally had a nice day...bar the chest infection (which still has not gone and is now into it's 2nd week and 2nd lot of antibiotics and a variety of bronchodilators...)...
so happy birthday to me! it would seem now that there is only one milestone to go in the 'one year' post breakup and that is Jan 26th....the anniversary of the breakup itself...and strangely enough i am feeling quite ok about it all...
seems the events of recent months have almost entirely taken over my emotional existence and i am feeling much more 'distant' from ben and the relationship we had...sure i miss him on occasions, but waking up alone on my birthday was WAY better than waking up with someone who didn't give a fuck!
sooo here's to birthdays!
so imagine my horror when on my 41st birthday (last year), my partner of the time, does nothing (no card, no effort, no present) and i end up having what i can only describe as a horror day...of course when i deign to bring this up with him, he flies off the handle and we nearly break up - we managed to salvage an ok evening (in the end) only to breakup some 16 days later...guess it wasn't meant to be!
so i wasn't really looking forward to this particular birthday - i figured (incorrectly!) that it would be an entirely sad sort of a day, one where i would wake up alone (yet again) and find myself reliving the horror of last year...
no no! the day prior i had an afternoon tea with 8 of my best girlfriends (2 or 3 could not, sadly, attend)...we ate cake, drank tea and chatted and you know what? it was the loveliest way to spend my birthday...i got some lovely and totally unexpected presents (a gorgeous japan city tea pot and cups, a beautiful skalli ring, hand cream, a tshirt, a voucher for dymocks, body stuff, earrings and a lovely bunch of flowers) - i was totally spoiled :-) i got so many messages (voicemails, texts, emails and FB messages) on the day that i needed a PA to handle them all...such a contrast to the year before...
and of course on the day went to the PM's XI with my parents...ran into a few old Canberra friends and generally had a nice day...bar the chest infection (which still has not gone and is now into it's 2nd week and 2nd lot of antibiotics and a variety of bronchodilators...)...
so happy birthday to me! it would seem now that there is only one milestone to go in the 'one year' post breakup and that is Jan 26th....the anniversary of the breakup itself...and strangely enough i am feeling quite ok about it all...
seems the events of recent months have almost entirely taken over my emotional existence and i am feeling much more 'distant' from ben and the relationship we had...sure i miss him on occasions, but waking up alone on my birthday was WAY better than waking up with someone who didn't give a fuck!
sooo here's to birthdays!
parenting...
is something i haven't given a lot of thought to over the years, probably because i am not, a parent! but today, it seems that with the 'incident' from my past, my therapist and i spent a large amount of my session talking about me 'parenting' the girl within...the hurt 13 year old and you know what? it kinda makes a whole lot of sense...
soooo until tuesday this week i had not heard from this man for 3 weeks and the initial days seemed difficult as i struggled to contain my anger and disappointment as yet again, he cancelled our plans (and for those of you who don't remember or haven't read the blog before...this was not a date! this person from my past has popped up after 29 years and wants to apologise - or so he says - his actions and words are largely inconsistent leaving me with mixed messages about why he has really turned up)...in this particular instance it was to be lunch at Watermark (one of Sydney's nicer restaurants and one of my personal favourites)...of course i have NO idea why after 2 other failed catch ups (where he cancelled) i actually thought it would go ahead, and truth be known, when i think back, i knew it wouldn't go ahead, but i had hoped it would...
yep, there it is! i've said it - out loud and for the 2nd time today...i hoped that he would turn into a decent human being and actually go through with his word - seemingly he doesn't appear to be able to do this - or maybe he doesn't want to...
sooo today i actually came clean with my therapist and said something to her that was hard for me to say - not because i thought she would judge me (on the contrary), but more because i was ashamed, embarrassed and honestly felt guilty just saying it, actually i've felt guilty just thinking it, so imagine now saying it out loud, to someone else! see what my 42 year old voice cannot understand is why the 13 year old girl in me would hope that this man would sweep me off my feet with some enormously romantic gesture and we would live happily ever after...
it's been a difficult few weeks as i have contemplated cutting off all contact with this man - this decision is, of course, driven by the sensible 42 year old...and yet, the 13 year old who holds onto the abovementioned fantasy is seemingly not able to let the 42 year old make that decision...
and it hit me today, whilst talking to Sal, why do i have to make the decision right now? why am i putting myself under pressure to make any sort of decision, and then there is the pressure to feel like i have to tell him of my decision...of course doesn't help that i was caught out earlier this week...see in an attempt to 'remove' myself from the possibility of texting him when i'm angry, i removed his phone from my mobile and then having given up hope of hearing from him, i actually didn't recognise his number when a message came in this week - so much so, i responded with 'who is this?'...(got a laugh out of my therapist when i told her this!)...his response was 'you deleted my number?'...oops!
and honestly when i realised it was him i just felt sick...i had finally gotten used to the idea that he may not ever make contact again and i was ok with it, even enjoying the idea that he might be gone...but still, a part of me (perhaps it's the 13 year old with the fantasy, or maybe it's just hte 13 year old who's become the 42 year old who now realises the FULL impact of his actions on my life) wants him to understand what he has done...and i don't even know if a) that's possible or b) whether it will make any difference...but there you have it!
soooo the suggestion from my therapist right now is to make no decisions but rather for my 42 year old to 'parent' the 13 year old girl (and by parent she means listen to, understand, support, encourage, guide etc) - the one who was hurt, the one who's best friend betrayed her, the one who's best friend broke her trust and the one who holds onto this fantasy that, despite everything, he's going to turn out to be a 'someone'....
and by someone, whilst i'm not exactly sure what i want that to be, it feels like what i want is for the 13 year old boy who hurt me to say sorry and to take responsibility for what he did...but i don't think that person exists anymore...occasionally (only through texts, when it's easy i guess) do i get a glimmer that he might be there, but more often than not, i see only a pompous english know it all doctor, who really doesn't want to admit to just how much damage his actions have caused....
mmmm interesting times ahead!
soooo until tuesday this week i had not heard from this man for 3 weeks and the initial days seemed difficult as i struggled to contain my anger and disappointment as yet again, he cancelled our plans (and for those of you who don't remember or haven't read the blog before...this was not a date! this person from my past has popped up after 29 years and wants to apologise - or so he says - his actions and words are largely inconsistent leaving me with mixed messages about why he has really turned up)...in this particular instance it was to be lunch at Watermark (one of Sydney's nicer restaurants and one of my personal favourites)...of course i have NO idea why after 2 other failed catch ups (where he cancelled) i actually thought it would go ahead, and truth be known, when i think back, i knew it wouldn't go ahead, but i had hoped it would...
yep, there it is! i've said it - out loud and for the 2nd time today...i hoped that he would turn into a decent human being and actually go through with his word - seemingly he doesn't appear to be able to do this - or maybe he doesn't want to...
sooo today i actually came clean with my therapist and said something to her that was hard for me to say - not because i thought she would judge me (on the contrary), but more because i was ashamed, embarrassed and honestly felt guilty just saying it, actually i've felt guilty just thinking it, so imagine now saying it out loud, to someone else! see what my 42 year old voice cannot understand is why the 13 year old girl in me would hope that this man would sweep me off my feet with some enormously romantic gesture and we would live happily ever after...
it's been a difficult few weeks as i have contemplated cutting off all contact with this man - this decision is, of course, driven by the sensible 42 year old...and yet, the 13 year old who holds onto the abovementioned fantasy is seemingly not able to let the 42 year old make that decision...
and it hit me today, whilst talking to Sal, why do i have to make the decision right now? why am i putting myself under pressure to make any sort of decision, and then there is the pressure to feel like i have to tell him of my decision...of course doesn't help that i was caught out earlier this week...see in an attempt to 'remove' myself from the possibility of texting him when i'm angry, i removed his phone from my mobile and then having given up hope of hearing from him, i actually didn't recognise his number when a message came in this week - so much so, i responded with 'who is this?'...(got a laugh out of my therapist when i told her this!)...his response was 'you deleted my number?'...oops!
and honestly when i realised it was him i just felt sick...i had finally gotten used to the idea that he may not ever make contact again and i was ok with it, even enjoying the idea that he might be gone...but still, a part of me (perhaps it's the 13 year old with the fantasy, or maybe it's just hte 13 year old who's become the 42 year old who now realises the FULL impact of his actions on my life) wants him to understand what he has done...and i don't even know if a) that's possible or b) whether it will make any difference...but there you have it!
soooo the suggestion from my therapist right now is to make no decisions but rather for my 42 year old to 'parent' the 13 year old girl (and by parent she means listen to, understand, support, encourage, guide etc) - the one who was hurt, the one who's best friend betrayed her, the one who's best friend broke her trust and the one who holds onto this fantasy that, despite everything, he's going to turn out to be a 'someone'....
and by someone, whilst i'm not exactly sure what i want that to be, it feels like what i want is for the 13 year old boy who hurt me to say sorry and to take responsibility for what he did...but i don't think that person exists anymore...occasionally (only through texts, when it's easy i guess) do i get a glimmer that he might be there, but more often than not, i see only a pompous english know it all doctor, who really doesn't want to admit to just how much damage his actions have caused....
mmmm interesting times ahead!
Friday, January 7, 2011
i've been quiet...
yep, guess there has been a bit going on since i posted last, and then again, not much at all...
spent 2 great days at the cricket (despite england winning both the match and the series)...i always enjoy going to the SCG and this year was no exception...got to see Usman Khawaja make his debut for australia and that was pretty good - admittedly he got out on 37, but a great first test match! he reminded me of Sachin Tendulkar in so many ways - Australia should be so lucky to have someone who has even the hint of Sachin like skill!
then i got sick and i'm still sick - i have a chest infection and a headcold/sinus thing - no fun at all and has kept me laid up since Wednesday...sigh
my treadmill tried to kill me! yep, on Wednesday morning before i succumbed to the infection I decided to walk on the treadmill (that way i could watch cricket and exercise simultaneously)...but 24 minutes into my walk, the thing started going at about 100 miles an hour (slight exaggeration) and lucky i was quick enough to jump off before it threw me off! so not sure if it's actually broken, but i'm not exactly game to try it out again...
my friend Nat arrives tomorrow, i'm having some girls over for my birthday afternoon tea Sunday and then i'm flying to Canberra for a few days...including the PM's XI with my Dad on my birthday...
of course my newsletter is late once again but i figure i have a good excuse this time...actually i had a good excuse last time, but between cricket and being sick, that seems more plausible!
sooo almost 1/4 of the way into January and i'm not sure i have thought about what i want to achieve this year, what resolutions (not that i typically make any) i will make etc...maybe my resolution will be not to make any resolutions and to just take it as it comes...
happy weekend xx
spent 2 great days at the cricket (despite england winning both the match and the series)...i always enjoy going to the SCG and this year was no exception...got to see Usman Khawaja make his debut for australia and that was pretty good - admittedly he got out on 37, but a great first test match! he reminded me of Sachin Tendulkar in so many ways - Australia should be so lucky to have someone who has even the hint of Sachin like skill!
then i got sick and i'm still sick - i have a chest infection and a headcold/sinus thing - no fun at all and has kept me laid up since Wednesday...sigh
my treadmill tried to kill me! yep, on Wednesday morning before i succumbed to the infection I decided to walk on the treadmill (that way i could watch cricket and exercise simultaneously)...but 24 minutes into my walk, the thing started going at about 100 miles an hour (slight exaggeration) and lucky i was quick enough to jump off before it threw me off! so not sure if it's actually broken, but i'm not exactly game to try it out again...
my friend Nat arrives tomorrow, i'm having some girls over for my birthday afternoon tea Sunday and then i'm flying to Canberra for a few days...including the PM's XI with my Dad on my birthday...
of course my newsletter is late once again but i figure i have a good excuse this time...actually i had a good excuse last time, but between cricket and being sick, that seems more plausible!
sooo almost 1/4 of the way into January and i'm not sure i have thought about what i want to achieve this year, what resolutions (not that i typically make any) i will make etc...maybe my resolution will be not to make any resolutions and to just take it as it comes...
happy weekend xx
Saturday, January 1, 2011
i wish....
i wish i knew what was actually happening with my period cycle so i could track the mood swings...i now think that what i thought was PMT is actually (maybe) when i am ovulating...but since the whole 'period' thing has been infrequent until about 5 months ago, i have NO idea (seemingly) of what's actually going on in my body...sigh
i wish i knew when i would meet that special someone...or maybe i don't, maybe i just wish i believed that he will turn up...
so in my phone call with ben last night even he gets around to asking me if i have a boyfriend yet and when i say no he is incredulous...his reasoning being that i'm hot (i think that's what he said) and successful...of course he didn't say nice, and caring, and compassionate and funny etc etc...but hey, there seem to be lots of people who find it hard to believe i'm single, and me too - i'm one of those people....
course it didn't exactly help when i asked him the same question, that he said he'd had a girlfriend for 3 weeks (wow, 3 whole weeks)...obviously she is no longer around, but still, it didn't really help me to hear this, and sure i know i asked but still...
truth is, i didn't really want to know that, and i fully expect that he would have moved on before i do - seems to be the way of things really...but i didn't want to know this...
it was interesting then that after our call he tells me that he will always love me and he still misses me....and of course i get that, and on some level, i miss him too - not always and nowhere near as often as when we broke up, but this morning's post about public holidays made me really think about whether or not i missed him...
i wish that the time when i am totally ok about where things are at with ben would be now (honestly, it's pretty close, but still he has the ability to get under my skin - or is that just the sentimental me?)
and sadly, on these sorts of days, early on sure, they were great - we would sleep in, make love, have brekky, and then settle in for a day of shopping or watching dvd's...but as our relationship wore on, he had less inclination to get out and do things, and often i would find myself watching tv or doing things on my own because he didn't want to - and seriously, where's the fun in that? seriously, would be better to be single if you have to do things on your own all of the time - wouldn't it? i was having this very same conversation with my friend Leanne last night....
so the truth of it all is this: whilst i am sad occasionally when i think about Ben and what we had, most of the time i don't miss feeling sad that he never wanted to do anything, i don't miss having to organise everything, i don't miss having to make excuses for him, i don't miss having to decline invitations because he wouldn't go and i don't miss the angst that asking him if he wanted to accompany me to events such as bbq's, casual drop ins with good friends would create for me....
so really, i do find public holidays hard and i do get lonely, but i don't think that's since the breakup with ben...truth be told, i felt this way BEFORE he even showed up....
so what i wish is that we both are able to find relationships that work for us and i hope for my sake, the time will come, and soon, that when he says the sorts of things he said lastnight (you know nice things and his regret) i won't get so sad...having said that it is way better to be where i am right now that in that angry and hurt stage that seems to have characterised the last 11 months....
and i wish that i had someone special to share public holidays, and other days with....
soooo i'm going to take myself off to bed and think about what i wish for as i go....
nite!
i wish i knew when i would meet that special someone...or maybe i don't, maybe i just wish i believed that he will turn up...
so in my phone call with ben last night even he gets around to asking me if i have a boyfriend yet and when i say no he is incredulous...his reasoning being that i'm hot (i think that's what he said) and successful...of course he didn't say nice, and caring, and compassionate and funny etc etc...but hey, there seem to be lots of people who find it hard to believe i'm single, and me too - i'm one of those people....
course it didn't exactly help when i asked him the same question, that he said he'd had a girlfriend for 3 weeks (wow, 3 whole weeks)...obviously she is no longer around, but still, it didn't really help me to hear this, and sure i know i asked but still...
truth is, i didn't really want to know that, and i fully expect that he would have moved on before i do - seems to be the way of things really...but i didn't want to know this...
it was interesting then that after our call he tells me that he will always love me and he still misses me....and of course i get that, and on some level, i miss him too - not always and nowhere near as often as when we broke up, but this morning's post about public holidays made me really think about whether or not i missed him...
i wish that the time when i am totally ok about where things are at with ben would be now (honestly, it's pretty close, but still he has the ability to get under my skin - or is that just the sentimental me?)
and sadly, on these sorts of days, early on sure, they were great - we would sleep in, make love, have brekky, and then settle in for a day of shopping or watching dvd's...but as our relationship wore on, he had less inclination to get out and do things, and often i would find myself watching tv or doing things on my own because he didn't want to - and seriously, where's the fun in that? seriously, would be better to be single if you have to do things on your own all of the time - wouldn't it? i was having this very same conversation with my friend Leanne last night....
so the truth of it all is this: whilst i am sad occasionally when i think about Ben and what we had, most of the time i don't miss feeling sad that he never wanted to do anything, i don't miss having to organise everything, i don't miss having to make excuses for him, i don't miss having to decline invitations because he wouldn't go and i don't miss the angst that asking him if he wanted to accompany me to events such as bbq's, casual drop ins with good friends would create for me....
so really, i do find public holidays hard and i do get lonely, but i don't think that's since the breakup with ben...truth be told, i felt this way BEFORE he even showed up....
so what i wish is that we both are able to find relationships that work for us and i hope for my sake, the time will come, and soon, that when he says the sorts of things he said lastnight (you know nice things and his regret) i won't get so sad...having said that it is way better to be where i am right now that in that angry and hurt stage that seems to have characterised the last 11 months....
and i wish that i had someone special to share public holidays, and other days with....
soooo i'm going to take myself off to bed and think about what i wish for as i go....
nite!
i used to love public holidays...
but now it seems as though they are merely a harsh reminder that i am single...
sigh....
sigh....
surprising...
yep, in a way the latest events of last night were surprising...
ben sent me a text wishing me a happy new year, that was the first surprise
then he asked if he could call (alcohol will do this) and we talked...it was interesting - like talking to someone i knew and didn't know all at the same time - his voice sounded different than i remember but it has been nearly a year since we have spoken so i guess that's not entirely surprising...
what i realised when we were talking, because inevitably we discussed something i didn't really want to discuss...is that i didn't trust him to do the right thing...yep, i trusted him implicitly at the beginning and then i didn't...so what changed i wonder? what did he do to make my trust slide? or was it me? and honestly, i don't actually know the answer to that...
it was not necessarily a bad way to start my 2011 (you know i love realisations) but it made me sad in a way - seems that maybe i was responsible (or my lack of trust) for pushing him away (and i'm not saying he wasn't responsible for a lot of what went wrong in our relationship)....interesting thought for me to ponder on in coming quiet days....and of course it always takes two to tango, there are always two sides to every story - guess until last night, i hadn't really looked at it from his perspective...
what made me sad was some of what he said....things like he'll always love me, i'm great and he wishes he'd been more receptive....things like he really thought we had something (i did too) and it makes him sad that he was such a dick at the end (his words not mine) and that despite everything he still misses me, misses holding me and he finds it hard to hide that....and even though it made me sad, i guess it was his way of taking responsibility for his stuff...now i need to take responsibility for mine...
it's interesting to look back at the appearance of 'him' and realise that what happened that night, all those years ago can impact a seemingly good relationship, one that started with so much promise and an underlying trust in each other - even that couldn't survive the legacy of my past....and i can't say i'm angry, but it is a little overwhelming to realise just how much of an impact what he did has had on my life....sigh....plenty of work still to do!
and that isn't a surprise at all...
ben sent me a text wishing me a happy new year, that was the first surprise
then he asked if he could call (alcohol will do this) and we talked...it was interesting - like talking to someone i knew and didn't know all at the same time - his voice sounded different than i remember but it has been nearly a year since we have spoken so i guess that's not entirely surprising...
what i realised when we were talking, because inevitably we discussed something i didn't really want to discuss...is that i didn't trust him to do the right thing...yep, i trusted him implicitly at the beginning and then i didn't...so what changed i wonder? what did he do to make my trust slide? or was it me? and honestly, i don't actually know the answer to that...
it was not necessarily a bad way to start my 2011 (you know i love realisations) but it made me sad in a way - seems that maybe i was responsible (or my lack of trust) for pushing him away (and i'm not saying he wasn't responsible for a lot of what went wrong in our relationship)....interesting thought for me to ponder on in coming quiet days....and of course it always takes two to tango, there are always two sides to every story - guess until last night, i hadn't really looked at it from his perspective...
what made me sad was some of what he said....things like he'll always love me, i'm great and he wishes he'd been more receptive....things like he really thought we had something (i did too) and it makes him sad that he was such a dick at the end (his words not mine) and that despite everything he still misses me, misses holding me and he finds it hard to hide that....and even though it made me sad, i guess it was his way of taking responsibility for his stuff...now i need to take responsibility for mine...
it's interesting to look back at the appearance of 'him' and realise that what happened that night, all those years ago can impact a seemingly good relationship, one that started with so much promise and an underlying trust in each other - even that couldn't survive the legacy of my past....and i can't say i'm angry, but it is a little overwhelming to realise just how much of an impact what he did has had on my life....sigh....plenty of work still to do!
and that isn't a surprise at all...
my year in review...
wow, this time last year i had just finished my berry pavlova and was starting to wonder if i would ever have the courage to get myself out of the relationship with ben....it's amazing that an entire year, 365 days have passed, so let me try and summarise my year that was...
january: turned 41, uneventful day and frankly the saddest birthday i ever hope to have to have...this day was truly the start of the end with ben...the rest of the month went by in a blur until i finally gave up on Australia Day and we broke up...he left, i cried and so began the job of putting my life and my little self back together again...the only positive being that only 2 days after this i managed to deliver a fantastic workshop to a new client!
february: was even more of a blur than january, a month marred by sadness and grief and honestly, i have NO idea how i got through it...good friends, great support from mum and dad, and some shopping...yep, february saw the purchase of my chandelier! probably the most notable thing to occur this month was my monday night meditation (still going strong!)
march: the absolute highlight of march was carlton beating richmond by 56 points, sure, not the 83 points of last year's season opener, but still a good result! i had my windows cleaned (inside and out, by a professional) and it felt like a metaphor of my life post my breakup with ben...
april: ah yes april...well i had 2 forays into 'dating' and honestly, they were both just awful...one of the men i met was actually a nice guy, but not for me, the other evening was nothing short of a disaster and i couldn't wait to get out of there...cried all the way home and then some! finished one Cert IV, one more to go...it was a busy month! heard the 'our song' for the first time since the breakup - realised that even though i thought i wouldn't be able to listen to it, i found myself turning it up when i heard it on the radio...
may: finished my other Cert IV and as the month wore on was madly getting ready for my trip! yep, in february i decided to go on a trip (chicago, ithaca, new york, paris and then northallerton)...something to look forward to i told myself...may marked my 400th post! wow...and when i started i wasn't sure whether it would be something i keep up...guess it is! i am now at nearly 600 and it will be 3 years in january...
june: ah, holidays! who doesn't love 'em? well i had a ball...chicago first and some family time, followed by ithaca with my lovely friends P.A. and Elliot, then NYC, my first ever baseball game (go Yankees), Paris (conference, met a nice bloke who turned out to be not so nice but had fun anyway), then Northallerton for some more family time...was a great trip, had a lovely time, spent far too much money, enjoyed my business class air travel and came home with lots of goodies and wonderful memories...
july: tried to settle back into work...enjoyed the winter walks in the sun, started to feel happy with my lot in life, met Bec (my crystal healer...)...dan broke his leg skiing...i got my iphone! and spent the majority of the month working out which apps to install! finally transferred all my music from my mp3 player to the iphone and i don't know why i didn't get an ipod sooner! and i discovered eli stone...i love eli stone...and i scored a gig with a consulting company
august: ah the month from hell...my health had been bad since arriving back from my trip and a trip to a new naturopath and some blood reader, told me that my liver wasn't working properly and it was probably due to the reflux meds...so in an effort to reduce them, i had to cut out caffeine (aarrgghh) and meat (coz my body couldn't digest it properly) and so began my month of hell...got thru it and am still (largely) caffeine free today...
september: well Blues made it to the first week of the finals, only to be beaten by those Swans (grr)...Dan turned 9...I did my first team building session (which went very well) and the Dragons finally performed like a team destined to win the flag...a so called friend showed her true colours and stopped talking to me and of course in typical Sarah fashion i beat myself up - i look back now and wonder why on earth i got so upset! and i beat KPMG to the pip with a great gig and new client!
october: St George finally get over the line in a GF and i watched on with mixed emotion as Ben's beloved Dragons won...I was going for them too (of course, they were playing the chooks!)...sadly i seemed to spend most of the month in a blur or should i say depression, which is what it felt like...i went to cairns for something of a retreat, but it wasn't much of a retreat at all!
november: was just starting to feel good, physically and emotionally, and then the bombshell...that person from my past turns up and all of a sudden my little world is thrown upside down...i start questioning the universe about how much more i can take and what else is coming my way...i did 2 fabulous writing courses (one more fabulous than the other) and dusted off that novel that's been sitting around for years...of course, it's back to sitting around but i have a whole lot more clarity on plot and momentum etc...so when i get some momentum up, it could actually turn into something! a migraine (my 2nd ever) in early november heralded some interesting visions (shooting stars and jackhammers)....and the return of an old good friend (or two) was a welcome diversion from other events...
december: the fallout of the 'bomb' seems to continue well into december and i spent a lot of time with my therapist during the month...my anger was like a stormy sea and it felt at times like i wouldn't be able to control it...but as with all things, time is the great healer and my xmas break with my family in canberra proved a fantastic circuit breaker for some of the 'voices' in my head...so as i drove to one of my oldest friends for a quiet new years eve with her and her family, i felt happy...not deliriously happy, not the sort of happy that will come from having someone to share NYE's with, but happy...and i had a lovely night...
so as i look back over 2010 i can honestly say that it was my most difficult year - so many challenges fell in my path, and in typical fashion i found it impossible to turn my back on them...a year when good friends helped me get through....seems that in 2009 i found my voice, but 2010 has been a year when it was important for that voice to be heard....
so it's now 2011 and i am hopeful that it will be a happier year for me...i'm hopeful that some of the demons of my past will now rest, where my voice will continue to grow and be heard, and where i will learn to trust, not just myself, but others....
happy new year :-)
january: turned 41, uneventful day and frankly the saddest birthday i ever hope to have to have...this day was truly the start of the end with ben...the rest of the month went by in a blur until i finally gave up on Australia Day and we broke up...he left, i cried and so began the job of putting my life and my little self back together again...the only positive being that only 2 days after this i managed to deliver a fantastic workshop to a new client!
february: was even more of a blur than january, a month marred by sadness and grief and honestly, i have NO idea how i got through it...good friends, great support from mum and dad, and some shopping...yep, february saw the purchase of my chandelier! probably the most notable thing to occur this month was my monday night meditation (still going strong!)
march: the absolute highlight of march was carlton beating richmond by 56 points, sure, not the 83 points of last year's season opener, but still a good result! i had my windows cleaned (inside and out, by a professional) and it felt like a metaphor of my life post my breakup with ben...
april: ah yes april...well i had 2 forays into 'dating' and honestly, they were both just awful...one of the men i met was actually a nice guy, but not for me, the other evening was nothing short of a disaster and i couldn't wait to get out of there...cried all the way home and then some! finished one Cert IV, one more to go...it was a busy month! heard the 'our song' for the first time since the breakup - realised that even though i thought i wouldn't be able to listen to it, i found myself turning it up when i heard it on the radio...
may: finished my other Cert IV and as the month wore on was madly getting ready for my trip! yep, in february i decided to go on a trip (chicago, ithaca, new york, paris and then northallerton)...something to look forward to i told myself...may marked my 400th post! wow...and when i started i wasn't sure whether it would be something i keep up...guess it is! i am now at nearly 600 and it will be 3 years in january...
june: ah, holidays! who doesn't love 'em? well i had a ball...chicago first and some family time, followed by ithaca with my lovely friends P.A. and Elliot, then NYC, my first ever baseball game (go Yankees), Paris (conference, met a nice bloke who turned out to be not so nice but had fun anyway), then Northallerton for some more family time...was a great trip, had a lovely time, spent far too much money, enjoyed my business class air travel and came home with lots of goodies and wonderful memories...
july: tried to settle back into work...enjoyed the winter walks in the sun, started to feel happy with my lot in life, met Bec (my crystal healer...)...dan broke his leg skiing...i got my iphone! and spent the majority of the month working out which apps to install! finally transferred all my music from my mp3 player to the iphone and i don't know why i didn't get an ipod sooner! and i discovered eli stone...i love eli stone...and i scored a gig with a consulting company
august: ah the month from hell...my health had been bad since arriving back from my trip and a trip to a new naturopath and some blood reader, told me that my liver wasn't working properly and it was probably due to the reflux meds...so in an effort to reduce them, i had to cut out caffeine (aarrgghh) and meat (coz my body couldn't digest it properly) and so began my month of hell...got thru it and am still (largely) caffeine free today...
september: well Blues made it to the first week of the finals, only to be beaten by those Swans (grr)...Dan turned 9...I did my first team building session (which went very well) and the Dragons finally performed like a team destined to win the flag...a so called friend showed her true colours and stopped talking to me and of course in typical Sarah fashion i beat myself up - i look back now and wonder why on earth i got so upset! and i beat KPMG to the pip with a great gig and new client!
october: St George finally get over the line in a GF and i watched on with mixed emotion as Ben's beloved Dragons won...I was going for them too (of course, they were playing the chooks!)...sadly i seemed to spend most of the month in a blur or should i say depression, which is what it felt like...i went to cairns for something of a retreat, but it wasn't much of a retreat at all!
november: was just starting to feel good, physically and emotionally, and then the bombshell...that person from my past turns up and all of a sudden my little world is thrown upside down...i start questioning the universe about how much more i can take and what else is coming my way...i did 2 fabulous writing courses (one more fabulous than the other) and dusted off that novel that's been sitting around for years...of course, it's back to sitting around but i have a whole lot more clarity on plot and momentum etc...so when i get some momentum up, it could actually turn into something! a migraine (my 2nd ever) in early november heralded some interesting visions (shooting stars and jackhammers)....and the return of an old good friend (or two) was a welcome diversion from other events...
december: the fallout of the 'bomb' seems to continue well into december and i spent a lot of time with my therapist during the month...my anger was like a stormy sea and it felt at times like i wouldn't be able to control it...but as with all things, time is the great healer and my xmas break with my family in canberra proved a fantastic circuit breaker for some of the 'voices' in my head...so as i drove to one of my oldest friends for a quiet new years eve with her and her family, i felt happy...not deliriously happy, not the sort of happy that will come from having someone to share NYE's with, but happy...and i had a lovely night...
so as i look back over 2010 i can honestly say that it was my most difficult year - so many challenges fell in my path, and in typical fashion i found it impossible to turn my back on them...a year when good friends helped me get through....seems that in 2009 i found my voice, but 2010 has been a year when it was important for that voice to be heard....
so it's now 2011 and i am hopeful that it will be a happier year for me...i'm hopeful that some of the demons of my past will now rest, where my voice will continue to grow and be heard, and where i will learn to trust, not just myself, but others....
happy new year :-)
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