funny how a show can seem to mirror what's going on in your own life, or is it more that when we are feeling something acutely, we look for similarities?
either way, i just Love Being Erica...sister bought my Season 3 for Xmas (thanks sis)....
must say the start was a bit jarring, couldn't really see why she needed to do group but of course the therapist in me can see why, and it even got me wondering if i should also 'do group'??
a question for me to ponder methinks...i thought seriously about going to group after Chris showed up and as i struggle through the mire that is the christmas loneliness (i totally get why so many people attempt suicide at this time of the year...it can be bloody lonely) and the inevitable reflection that comes with New Year, my birthday and then 26th Jan (although I feel good about where things with Ben ended up now)....i wonder if these feelings are just related to the time of year, or whether they go way deeper than that, and ordinarily i have structured my life to be so busy and full that i have little or no time for reflection?
doesn't sound right does it? for an introvert, to have organised her life so that there is no time for reflection...not true actually, usually weekends are very very quiet, by design, so no that's not true, and for most of this year (especially since i started work again) i have been happy...
mmmm so maybe it's a coupla things: break from work (maybe i'm missing it, or something about it), still going over that conversation with the boss in my head (groan...), just had 5 days with the fam and coming home, whilst lovely, always takes some adjusting to, period (yep, that NEVER helps (although there is increasing regularity in them again...?), too much time to think about the only thing i wish was different in my life....
the therapist in me is wondering if all of these things are contributing to me questioning my sense of self - perhaps i'm in the middle of an existential crisis? and like every other EC, it will pass...eventually, but for now, the best thing to do is sit in it, feel it, and resist the urge to move out of it...
which is what the 'reaching out' is all about, and yet funnily enough, i am possibly looking in the wrong place...never occurs to me to share these feelings with people i actually care about...nope, peripheral wannabe's....
something to think about!
and now, walk or write? big decision....!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
meh...
is how i feel today...only word for it really
despite a fabulous victory by Australia in the first test v India and some GREAT bowling....
despite having had a nice break in the 'berra with the fam for xmas
despite how good i usually appraise my life to be...
yep, i feel meh! of course all of this could be due to the fact that i got my period today, so one can never be certain that those feelings are likely to stick around (real, yes but maybe only v v temporary and hormonally influenced...)..
but i feel lonely! i love xmas with my family but as another year goes by and me single, and seemingly no-one on the horizon, i reflect on how much nicer it might be to spend the holiday season (or should i say christmas season, as i am neither jewish, muslim nor PC!) with someone...someone special, as well as my fam...
a random text message on boxing day also didn't help, as i really did think it was Chris and so a number of thoughts about him and what happened also started flying through my head, so imagine my surprise when it turns out not to be him that i'm disappointed - what a head fuck (as Sallyanne would say!)....
could also be that as a result of all of this and last night's PMT, i decided to text the bloke from work that i have a crush on....fuck! so wish i hadn't done that...harmless conversation ensued, but i had really wanted to not make contact with him over the break, mainly because i can't get a read on his feelings, so me initiating, ain't gonna help make that any clearer...
soooo really meh is where it's at...perhaps a night on the couch with Being Erica S3 will help!
despite a fabulous victory by Australia in the first test v India and some GREAT bowling....
despite having had a nice break in the 'berra with the fam for xmas
despite how good i usually appraise my life to be...
yep, i feel meh! of course all of this could be due to the fact that i got my period today, so one can never be certain that those feelings are likely to stick around (real, yes but maybe only v v temporary and hormonally influenced...)..
but i feel lonely! i love xmas with my family but as another year goes by and me single, and seemingly no-one on the horizon, i reflect on how much nicer it might be to spend the holiday season (or should i say christmas season, as i am neither jewish, muslim nor PC!) with someone...someone special, as well as my fam...
a random text message on boxing day also didn't help, as i really did think it was Chris and so a number of thoughts about him and what happened also started flying through my head, so imagine my surprise when it turns out not to be him that i'm disappointed - what a head fuck (as Sallyanne would say!)....
could also be that as a result of all of this and last night's PMT, i decided to text the bloke from work that i have a crush on....fuck! so wish i hadn't done that...harmless conversation ensued, but i had really wanted to not make contact with him over the break, mainly because i can't get a read on his feelings, so me initiating, ain't gonna help make that any clearer...
soooo really meh is where it's at...perhaps a night on the couch with Being Erica S3 will help!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
invisible...
interesting, that the title of this post was intended to let me talk about Paul Auster's 'Invisble' which i've just finished reading, and honestly, it was a disappointment! compared to The Brooklyn Follies which i adored, the ending of this one was well, sloppy....
sorry Paul, but i didn't enjoy it! once the protagonist died and it became the other's perspective it just stopped for me...
interesting too that invisible is how i felt yesterday with my boss! i am so annoyed and disappointed by her at times - don't get me wrong, usually, we get on very well and I enjoy working with her, but before i decided to take a full time role with her, i did have a big think about how i might handle her sometimes blunt beyond words approach...
and sadly, for about only the 2nd time in our working relationship, she was like that yesterday, the only day i would have appreciated a 'thank you, you've done a great job'...but no, when i chose to reflect on how much we'd achieved in 5 short months she didn't once say yes, great job, well done...no! all i got was you haven't done the thing i wanted six months ago....which is really the reporting line change of one team into another area (not really being driven by me) and then when i asked her to sign some things she has been asking for and she didn't understand the contents of the letter (which incidentally is EXACTLY what she asked for when we did the same thing a month or two back) and i started to explain, she yelled at me!
nice! really fucking nice way to end my year at work....NOT!
so after that meeting my day went decidely pearshaped as i played her words over and over in my head all afternoon and into my evening.....
sure, there are times when maybe i do talk over her (usually when she's not listening to me or when she has changed her mind for the nth time and i want to yell at her that i'm not actually a fucking mind reader!) but in this case her words were just mean....and i think, largely unwarranted - in addition to telling me this, she also said that i am not very good at reading people (maybe she meant her - and true, she's not easy to read) and that i need to listen!
funny really, coming from her...
but maybe there is something in it for me - in my working relationship with her....maybe, although i'm going to do my best not to spend my entire 2 weeks off (yes, 2 whole weeks to myself...yay!) thinking about it!
ok, well, i feel better having blogged about it - always do! thank god writing is cathartic...
speaking of writing, hope to finish my little writing project by early Jan so i can decide if it's going to be shipped off to a publisher!
have a wonderful xmas and stay tuned for more ramblings into 2012!
s
xx
sorry Paul, but i didn't enjoy it! once the protagonist died and it became the other's perspective it just stopped for me...
interesting too that invisible is how i felt yesterday with my boss! i am so annoyed and disappointed by her at times - don't get me wrong, usually, we get on very well and I enjoy working with her, but before i decided to take a full time role with her, i did have a big think about how i might handle her sometimes blunt beyond words approach...
and sadly, for about only the 2nd time in our working relationship, she was like that yesterday, the only day i would have appreciated a 'thank you, you've done a great job'...but no, when i chose to reflect on how much we'd achieved in 5 short months she didn't once say yes, great job, well done...no! all i got was you haven't done the thing i wanted six months ago....which is really the reporting line change of one team into another area (not really being driven by me) and then when i asked her to sign some things she has been asking for and she didn't understand the contents of the letter (which incidentally is EXACTLY what she asked for when we did the same thing a month or two back) and i started to explain, she yelled at me!
nice! really fucking nice way to end my year at work....NOT!
so after that meeting my day went decidely pearshaped as i played her words over and over in my head all afternoon and into my evening.....
sure, there are times when maybe i do talk over her (usually when she's not listening to me or when she has changed her mind for the nth time and i want to yell at her that i'm not actually a fucking mind reader!) but in this case her words were just mean....and i think, largely unwarranted - in addition to telling me this, she also said that i am not very good at reading people (maybe she meant her - and true, she's not easy to read) and that i need to listen!
funny really, coming from her...
but maybe there is something in it for me - in my working relationship with her....maybe, although i'm going to do my best not to spend my entire 2 weeks off (yes, 2 whole weeks to myself...yay!) thinking about it!
ok, well, i feel better having blogged about it - always do! thank god writing is cathartic...
speaking of writing, hope to finish my little writing project by early Jan so i can decide if it's going to be shipped off to a publisher!
have a wonderful xmas and stay tuned for more ramblings into 2012!
s
xx
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
on the fence...
yep, i'm on the fence...undecided about whether it IS or IS NOT a crush...
i wonder if i wasn't feeling the need to sensor my feelings (coz of the work situation), would i in fact come out and say the words...or is it genuine 'on the fence' territory?
hmmm not sure!
i can't really get a read at all, but that shouldn't stop me admitting what my feelings are should it? NO i can hear the grown up in me saying...and the petulant child (perhaps a teenager and afraid of admitting her feelings for someone until she knows what they will say in return) is happy to keep her cards a bit closer to her chest...
ok, ok so i like him...i want to know more...but i can't do anything...
so, there you have it, maybe i'm only on the fence because i think it's safer up there?
i wonder if i wasn't feeling the need to sensor my feelings (coz of the work situation), would i in fact come out and say the words...or is it genuine 'on the fence' territory?
hmmm not sure!
i can't really get a read at all, but that shouldn't stop me admitting what my feelings are should it? NO i can hear the grown up in me saying...and the petulant child (perhaps a teenager and afraid of admitting her feelings for someone until she knows what they will say in return) is happy to keep her cards a bit closer to her chest...
ok, ok so i like him...i want to know more...but i can't do anything...
so, there you have it, maybe i'm only on the fence because i think it's safer up there?
big sigh of relief...
seriously, no other way to describe it...
see, a coupla weeks ago i had my first mammogram, which came about as a result of Mum's recent brush with breast cancer (all ok now following 2 lumpectomies and a 20 day course of radiotherapy..and now the drugs)...
it was not a pleasant experience (will be going for the ultrasound version next time methinks), and the woman who did it wasn't particularly nice, the woman on the desk ok, but in an attempt to tell me i may get a call back as it was my first time actually freaked me out...
so it's been something of a wait and last night the letter arrived! of course, i'm so bad at opening mail that i didn't think to open it until today...
of course, when i realised what it was, i was nervous, or maybe hopeful is a better description...
anyway 'no visible signs of breast cancer' were the words i read...and read, and read until i was CERTAIN that i hadn't misread it!
truly almost no better way to start the day :-) i am so very grateful...thank you universe
then a good morning at work, got heaps done, welcomed resignation, and then a drive to the other office to deliver an MBTI team building session which was FABULOUS! no really, it was fabulous!
I had forgotten how much i love MBTI (well not really, i just don't get to use it anywhere as much as i would like these days) and i thoroughly enjoyed this presentation/session to a group of mainly 'NT's (eek)....went so well, made me a little nostalgic for my little business...
but only a little! coz i really DO love my job! it's been a HUGE 5 months where i have delivered 2 big projects and done a lot of work to set the tone of the organisation - i think we call this cultural change!
anyway, enough from me...i'm giving myself an ultra early night, ready for what i know will be a big day tomorrow!
nite!
see, a coupla weeks ago i had my first mammogram, which came about as a result of Mum's recent brush with breast cancer (all ok now following 2 lumpectomies and a 20 day course of radiotherapy..and now the drugs)...
it was not a pleasant experience (will be going for the ultrasound version next time methinks), and the woman who did it wasn't particularly nice, the woman on the desk ok, but in an attempt to tell me i may get a call back as it was my first time actually freaked me out...
so it's been something of a wait and last night the letter arrived! of course, i'm so bad at opening mail that i didn't think to open it until today...
of course, when i realised what it was, i was nervous, or maybe hopeful is a better description...
anyway 'no visible signs of breast cancer' were the words i read...and read, and read until i was CERTAIN that i hadn't misread it!
truly almost no better way to start the day :-) i am so very grateful...thank you universe
then a good morning at work, got heaps done, welcomed resignation, and then a drive to the other office to deliver an MBTI team building session which was FABULOUS! no really, it was fabulous!
I had forgotten how much i love MBTI (well not really, i just don't get to use it anywhere as much as i would like these days) and i thoroughly enjoyed this presentation/session to a group of mainly 'NT's (eek)....went so well, made me a little nostalgic for my little business...
but only a little! coz i really DO love my job! it's been a HUGE 5 months where i have delivered 2 big projects and done a lot of work to set the tone of the organisation - i think we call this cultural change!
anyway, enough from me...i'm giving myself an ultra early night, ready for what i know will be a big day tomorrow!
nite!
Monday, December 19, 2011
sometimes the ending isn't what
you expect at the start...
that can absolutely be said about today...
i woke up when the alarm went off, in the middle of a very bizarre dream (something about me driving a car i didn't feel i had control of - go figure!)...my big project came to fruition today and whilst i was excited it did, i am exhausted...and honestly, only thing i wanted to do this morning was crawl back under the doona and hide...
but no, i went! i went, it was good, i got to see everyone, and honestly, it's a great achievement! the 2nd project i've delivered (not alone in this instance) in 5 months - big ones too! both of them...but i'm tired
can't remember a time in my entire career when i've ever worked so hard actually...
so, as day went on and i got tireder, i realised that rain would mean no tennis (good and bad) - bad in that i love my tennis, good in that i could write and make up some lost time...
so did just that! chapter 34 done and i remember how fabulous it feels to be engaged in something you love...
yep, must remember that...
of course, meaningless, stupid emails with someone is also a nice diversion...
so, sure day didn't start so well, but it has ended well and i'm smiling..!
ok, bed is calling! nite xx
that can absolutely be said about today...
i woke up when the alarm went off, in the middle of a very bizarre dream (something about me driving a car i didn't feel i had control of - go figure!)...my big project came to fruition today and whilst i was excited it did, i am exhausted...and honestly, only thing i wanted to do this morning was crawl back under the doona and hide...
but no, i went! i went, it was good, i got to see everyone, and honestly, it's a great achievement! the 2nd project i've delivered (not alone in this instance) in 5 months - big ones too! both of them...but i'm tired
can't remember a time in my entire career when i've ever worked so hard actually...
so, as day went on and i got tireder, i realised that rain would mean no tennis (good and bad) - bad in that i love my tennis, good in that i could write and make up some lost time...
so did just that! chapter 34 done and i remember how fabulous it feels to be engaged in something you love...
yep, must remember that...
of course, meaningless, stupid emails with someone is also a nice diversion...
so, sure day didn't start so well, but it has ended well and i'm smiling..!
ok, bed is calling! nite xx
Sunday, December 18, 2011
underwhelmed...
is as good a description as any for how i feel...
yep, this time of year inevitably lends itself to me finding myself in a funk! and i've had an ok day, done some nice stuff for myself and wrapped the pressies to send to Melbs, found the perfect bedside lamps, and yet i still feel meh...
yep, underwhelmed, bit sad, wee bit lonely, very reflective, shopped out (did some good shopping for self), but still...
these are all temporary pleasures...
yep, this time of year inevitably lends itself to me finding myself in a funk! and i've had an ok day, done some nice stuff for myself and wrapped the pressies to send to Melbs, found the perfect bedside lamps, and yet i still feel meh...
yep, underwhelmed, bit sad, wee bit lonely, very reflective, shopped out (did some good shopping for self), but still...
these are all temporary pleasures...
Thursday, December 15, 2011
siri...
yes folks, i have siri! well not me, but my new phone (thanks work...)
so i thought i'd ask her a few questions today:
a) tell xx i'm running late and sure enough she writes a text to xx
b) tell yy i'm running late and that didn't go so well - turns out i know 12 yy's and she only gave me 2 options, none of which where the yy i wanted to tell!
c) set my alarm for 6.35am and sure enough she does
d) when am i next seeing sallyanne and she tells me i am seeing her saturday at 10.30am
how fucking cool is that? seriously, i don't know what sort of person doesn't love the iphone...
really, who wouldn't? and i haven't even worked out anywhere near 5% of what she, or my new phone, can do!
and now that i am over my temporary sense of humour loss (SOHL), itunes and iphone os updated with the latest versions, seems my 1022 songs are transporting themselves from the pc to my new device! yay...
so i thought i'd ask her a few questions today:
a) tell xx i'm running late and sure enough she writes a text to xx
b) tell yy i'm running late and that didn't go so well - turns out i know 12 yy's and she only gave me 2 options, none of which where the yy i wanted to tell!
c) set my alarm for 6.35am and sure enough she does
d) when am i next seeing sallyanne and she tells me i am seeing her saturday at 10.30am
how fucking cool is that? seriously, i don't know what sort of person doesn't love the iphone...
really, who wouldn't? and i haven't even worked out anywhere near 5% of what she, or my new phone, can do!
and now that i am over my temporary sense of humour loss (SOHL), itunes and iphone os updated with the latest versions, seems my 1022 songs are transporting themselves from the pc to my new device! yay...
older and a wee bit wiser...
and no, i haven't had another birthday! not yet...that's a little over 3 weeks away
no, what i mean by this post is that the older and wee bit wiser me, managed to resist the urge to contact chris...and i'm sure that a big part of it was not being able to actually find his number....
mental note to self: ALWAYS delete someone from the phone when you think it's a good idea to not have them in there in case of weak moments, or worse, the drunken dial
so sure, i couldn't find his number but as i found myself working out where it might be stored, i suddenly realised that if i actually did make contact with him, it would inevitably re-open the nightmare that was most of the first half of this year, and why? why the fuck would i do that to myself?
as if it wasn't bad enough he turned up at all...sure, he turned up, he said sorry, got what he wanted, and then left me to pick up the pieces from our childhood...
yep, easy for him, seemingly...
how relieved i am now, only a handful of days later that i didn't make contact with him...that i knew where it would go and that i resisted what turned out to be a very temporary urge...and what surely would have ended up in tears...
aren't they all? temporary? urges that is? so it's nice to look back on it and think that perhaps the reason it didn't end in tears, is not because i couldn't find his number, but because a tiny wee part of me, the older and slightly wiser part, knew it would be a bad idea...
yep, i'm going with that take on it all...
then again, i wonder if we ever change? if it's possible to break the patterns of a lifetime? to change the patterns and not make the same mistakes over and over again (of course, philosophically i believe it's possible or why else would i have become a therapist? but in this case, it's a rhetorical question to self!)
no, what i mean by this post is that the older and wee bit wiser me, managed to resist the urge to contact chris...and i'm sure that a big part of it was not being able to actually find his number....
mental note to self: ALWAYS delete someone from the phone when you think it's a good idea to not have them in there in case of weak moments, or worse, the drunken dial
so sure, i couldn't find his number but as i found myself working out where it might be stored, i suddenly realised that if i actually did make contact with him, it would inevitably re-open the nightmare that was most of the first half of this year, and why? why the fuck would i do that to myself?
as if it wasn't bad enough he turned up at all...sure, he turned up, he said sorry, got what he wanted, and then left me to pick up the pieces from our childhood...
yep, easy for him, seemingly...
how relieved i am now, only a handful of days later that i didn't make contact with him...that i knew where it would go and that i resisted what turned out to be a very temporary urge...and what surely would have ended up in tears...
aren't they all? temporary? urges that is? so it's nice to look back on it and think that perhaps the reason it didn't end in tears, is not because i couldn't find his number, but because a tiny wee part of me, the older and slightly wiser part, knew it would be a bad idea...
yep, i'm going with that take on it all...
then again, i wonder if we ever change? if it's possible to break the patterns of a lifetime? to change the patterns and not make the same mistakes over and over again (of course, philosophically i believe it's possible or why else would i have become a therapist? but in this case, it's a rhetorical question to self!)
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
fuck, i had the most....
overwhelming urge to make contact with you know who...yep! out of the blue...
weird! i found myself scrounging around for his number...thankfully i could not lay my hands on it (small mercies really)...
and found myself having some serious flashbacks...not good...
and these are the times i wish i had someone in my life, someone who would just hold me and tell me it will be alright...
yep, that's what i wish for...the lead up to xmas is always good in that i enjoy buying gifts for the people i love and preparing for a break with my family, and also tinged with sadness at having to do yet another one on my own...
wonder if that will ever get easier?
bit sad tonight...
weird! i found myself scrounging around for his number...thankfully i could not lay my hands on it (small mercies really)...
and found myself having some serious flashbacks...not good...
and these are the times i wish i had someone in my life, someone who would just hold me and tell me it will be alright...
yep, that's what i wish for...the lead up to xmas is always good in that i enjoy buying gifts for the people i love and preparing for a break with my family, and also tinged with sadness at having to do yet another one on my own...
wonder if that will ever get easier?
bit sad tonight...
something or nothing?
unsure, no clearer than i was yesterday but i think i know a bit more...
so in favour:
- nice
- has f in his mbti
- likes baseball
- has foxtel
- likes nyc
- when picking me up a cherry ripe, also got me a coke (nice..)
- much younger than me (i think, have no idea, but i suspect...)
- he listens
not in favour
- we work together
- i can't get a read
- we work together - a wee bit overweight
- likes to please (i like this too, but it can be a challenge)
- we work together
- much younger than me (i think!)
- we work together
- suspect even if he did like me, he'd do nothing...we'll probably both do nothing
- we work together
yep, uncertain is where it's at....
oh yeah, and did i mention? we work together!
ok, now gotta do some actual writing!!
ps guess who's getting an iphone 4s? siri here we come!
so in favour:
- nice
- has f in his mbti
- likes baseball
- has foxtel
- likes nyc
- when picking me up a cherry ripe, also got me a coke (nice..)
- much younger than me (i think, have no idea, but i suspect...)
- he listens
not in favour
- we work together
- i can't get a read
- we work together - a wee bit overweight
- likes to please (i like this too, but it can be a challenge)
- we work together
- much younger than me (i think!)
- we work together
- suspect even if he did like me, he'd do nothing...we'll probably both do nothing
- we work together
yep, uncertain is where it's at....
oh yeah, and did i mention? we work together!
ok, now gotta do some actual writing!!
ps guess who's getting an iphone 4s? siri here we come!
Monday, December 12, 2011
not sure...
if i have a crush or not...hard to tell really....
so this 'boy' (i call him that, but he's a man, of course, just a term of endearment) and i had a few emails over the weekend, albeit about work type stuff, and i got to wondering if maybe he likes me too?
i have NO idea frankly - no fucking idea...i'm out of practice at this stuff, so i am not the most effective commentator...
perhaps i need an indepedant opinion! oh that's right - he works for the company i work at, and it wouldn't be kosher, shall we say? to seek such an opinion...
sooo, guess i'll have to ride this one out alone....
what i can say is this: he has a fabulous MBTI profile result!
still not sure if i have a crush on him...i like him, i'd like to know more about him...got a nice surprise when i found out he was interested in cricket...(never expect that from a geek!), which is a stupid statement really as my ex of 2 years (a massive geek) was also a mad cricket fan!
sooo i don't really know...not really sure at all?
so this 'boy' (i call him that, but he's a man, of course, just a term of endearment) and i had a few emails over the weekend, albeit about work type stuff, and i got to wondering if maybe he likes me too?
i have NO idea frankly - no fucking idea...i'm out of practice at this stuff, so i am not the most effective commentator...
perhaps i need an indepedant opinion! oh that's right - he works for the company i work at, and it wouldn't be kosher, shall we say? to seek such an opinion...
sooo, guess i'll have to ride this one out alone....
what i can say is this: he has a fabulous MBTI profile result!
still not sure if i have a crush on him...i like him, i'd like to know more about him...got a nice surprise when i found out he was interested in cricket...(never expect that from a geek!), which is a stupid statement really as my ex of 2 years (a massive geek) was also a mad cricket fan!
sooo i don't really know...not really sure at all?
Saturday, December 10, 2011
crush?
mmmm, well i think i might have a crush! not a serious one... but hey
been a while, so it's kind of taken me by surprise....problem is, it's a guy a work...an IT guy at work who's super helpful...have spent a fair bit of time talking to him in the week leading up the big project (which started this weekend)....
he's kinda nice
i'm intrigued, meaning i would be interested to know more about him
can't make a move, in fact, not sure i can do anything
wonder if he will make a move?
wonder if he even likes me?
wonder if it's all in my head (i do have a good imagination, so maybe this is just another one of my imaginings?)
??
been a while, so it's kind of taken me by surprise....problem is, it's a guy a work...an IT guy at work who's super helpful...have spent a fair bit of time talking to him in the week leading up the big project (which started this weekend)....
he's kinda nice
i'm intrigued, meaning i would be interested to know more about him
can't make a move, in fact, not sure i can do anything
wonder if he will make a move?
wonder if he even likes me?
wonder if it's all in my head (i do have a good imagination, so maybe this is just another one of my imaginings?)
??
Monday, December 5, 2011
not sure what happened, exactly...
but i find myself in the midst of a funk...certain it's not permanent (they never are right?) but it has been an unwelcome surprise in an otherwise good coupla weeks...
although truth be told, a coupla big things have happened and maybe this is just the catch up...you know what i mean right? you just keep going and going and eventually there's a big fall (not that i'm a negative person, on the contrary actually, but if you push yourself hard enough, eventually there is a coming down from the high that you were on...natural part of life i guess)...
but this coming down, well it don't feel so good! of course November was a mad busy month and one where i had very little down time (due to my successful venture into the realms of NaNoWriMo...) and a fair bit happened, not the least of which was being dumped by the psychotic former friend who came back but is now, yet again, in the former friend heap where she belongs...and sure, it's ended up just how i would like it, but i have some unresolved stuff around all that - stuff i want to say to her, which of course i won't...but stuff, that if i'm honest, is building into anger (not good, i know i know)
and then of course there is the big project at work (which until today was something of a secret, and i say something, because it seems there were a LOT of people who knew about this so called secret!) which has been dominating the attention of so many, even though there are plenty of other key things going on...so i guess whilst i'm not feeling left out, i feel as though perhaps the work me and a handful of other people are doing will go largely unnoticed, but if it fucked up, then of course, it would be a big deal...and this is one of the things about corporate life i have always found hard to deal with...
added to that some of my peers who have been v focused on the secret project, so much so that in recent weeks my emails about my project have gone unread, but when i asked them to discuss with me their expectations about things which impacted their wallets, they managed to find time not just to email me quickly but in some cases, to drop in and make it a priority...
so yep, i'm in a funk and it feels crappy...i am consoling myself with food (this is never a good thing for me to do) and am starting to find just being with this group of people exhausting - seems my usual ebullient self has taken a holiday....
and yep, i'm lonely! writing a book which has a large element of romance and sex and intimacy is making me think about where those things are in my life, and the honest answer is, they are nowhere...sure, it took me a long while to move on from my relationship with ben, meaning i didn't want to focus on meeting someone else, but now i just feel lonely and wish i had someone special to cuddle up to and share my life with....
so yep, there you have it! i'm in a funk, i have no idea when it started, i have no idea when it will end...but i do know that it will....eventually!
that's all from me!
although truth be told, a coupla big things have happened and maybe this is just the catch up...you know what i mean right? you just keep going and going and eventually there's a big fall (not that i'm a negative person, on the contrary actually, but if you push yourself hard enough, eventually there is a coming down from the high that you were on...natural part of life i guess)...
but this coming down, well it don't feel so good! of course November was a mad busy month and one where i had very little down time (due to my successful venture into the realms of NaNoWriMo...) and a fair bit happened, not the least of which was being dumped by the psychotic former friend who came back but is now, yet again, in the former friend heap where she belongs...and sure, it's ended up just how i would like it, but i have some unresolved stuff around all that - stuff i want to say to her, which of course i won't...but stuff, that if i'm honest, is building into anger (not good, i know i know)
and then of course there is the big project at work (which until today was something of a secret, and i say something, because it seems there were a LOT of people who knew about this so called secret!) which has been dominating the attention of so many, even though there are plenty of other key things going on...so i guess whilst i'm not feeling left out, i feel as though perhaps the work me and a handful of other people are doing will go largely unnoticed, but if it fucked up, then of course, it would be a big deal...and this is one of the things about corporate life i have always found hard to deal with...
added to that some of my peers who have been v focused on the secret project, so much so that in recent weeks my emails about my project have gone unread, but when i asked them to discuss with me their expectations about things which impacted their wallets, they managed to find time not just to email me quickly but in some cases, to drop in and make it a priority...
so yep, i'm in a funk and it feels crappy...i am consoling myself with food (this is never a good thing for me to do) and am starting to find just being with this group of people exhausting - seems my usual ebullient self has taken a holiday....
and yep, i'm lonely! writing a book which has a large element of romance and sex and intimacy is making me think about where those things are in my life, and the honest answer is, they are nowhere...sure, it took me a long while to move on from my relationship with ben, meaning i didn't want to focus on meeting someone else, but now i just feel lonely and wish i had someone special to cuddle up to and share my life with....
so yep, there you have it! i'm in a funk, i have no idea when it started, i have no idea when it will end...but i do know that it will....eventually!
that's all from me!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
50,276
yep, you read it correctly folks....50,276 words in my inaugural NaNoWriMo challenge!
too tired to even write this, so giving myself a well deserved early mark
very very proud of self!
too tired to even write this, so giving myself a well deserved early mark
very very proud of self!
Monday, November 28, 2011
grateful...
is how i feel really
despite a shocker day at work - seemed everyone had attitude today, lots of bad moods and 'tone', some from people i normally get on well with, so much that by 5pm when i had to leave to get to the specialist (another story there!) i was glad to see the back of the place (and this is rare) but also i started to wonder if it was me? was any of it my shit and my projection onto others?
as far as i can tell i was in a good mood, busy yes, needed to get a lot done yes, but not in a bad mood...guess in the end, everyone elses rubbed off on me!
so then, i leave on time to get to specialist on time (coz i am respectful of others...) and for the 2nd time in 2 visits she is running more than 15 minutes late - no phone call, no text...imagine if i turn up late, i have no doubt she wouldn't wait for me and i'm paying her? fucking joke - i have NO idea what they teach them at medical school but some social skills and gee i don't know, a skerrick of empathy would be good!
i get home with enough time before tennis to call my parentals, and i have a good chat to mum and she shares with me a story about some of their closest friends....
let's call them A & V...lovely older couple who they have been friends with for years, they go to the races together and i see them most xmas's when i'm home visiting...turns out he has dementia and it's really impacting him now...and my mum recounted to me a story that V told her last week: that A had gotten up in the night, unable to get comfy in the bed, gone to each bedroom in their house in search of a comfy bed, and then come back to their bedroom and stood in the door crying and asking what would happen to him...
breaks my heart....for her, for him, for them both....and even though it wasn't the best day i am GRATEFUL that i am ok, that my parents are doing fine...
so thank you universe for looking out for the people i love xxx
despite a shocker day at work - seemed everyone had attitude today, lots of bad moods and 'tone', some from people i normally get on well with, so much that by 5pm when i had to leave to get to the specialist (another story there!) i was glad to see the back of the place (and this is rare) but also i started to wonder if it was me? was any of it my shit and my projection onto others?
as far as i can tell i was in a good mood, busy yes, needed to get a lot done yes, but not in a bad mood...guess in the end, everyone elses rubbed off on me!
so then, i leave on time to get to specialist on time (coz i am respectful of others...) and for the 2nd time in 2 visits she is running more than 15 minutes late - no phone call, no text...imagine if i turn up late, i have no doubt she wouldn't wait for me and i'm paying her? fucking joke - i have NO idea what they teach them at medical school but some social skills and gee i don't know, a skerrick of empathy would be good!
i get home with enough time before tennis to call my parentals, and i have a good chat to mum and she shares with me a story about some of their closest friends....
let's call them A & V...lovely older couple who they have been friends with for years, they go to the races together and i see them most xmas's when i'm home visiting...turns out he has dementia and it's really impacting him now...and my mum recounted to me a story that V told her last week: that A had gotten up in the night, unable to get comfy in the bed, gone to each bedroom in their house in search of a comfy bed, and then come back to their bedroom and stood in the door crying and asking what would happen to him...
breaks my heart....for her, for him, for them both....and even though it wasn't the best day i am GRATEFUL that i am ok, that my parents are doing fine...
so thank you universe for looking out for the people i love xxx
Sunday, November 27, 2011
'without being crass.....
it made me hard' was the male response to my sex scene! was well chuffed with that response...
it's hard to write a sex scene, well the first time you do it, it's hard (no pun intended)...and i have put it off for a few days, not knowing where to start, how to write it, how i wanted it to be read etc etc
so last night, i finally had to overcome my procrastination and just write...and i turned to my old friend, vodka for some help! a strong glass of vodka with lemonade and i was able to pen a scene i was happy with, bar one word! yep, you guessed it, how DO you describe 'it' in a word that isn't pornographic or overtly male?
so, today is the test - the best friend, who's been reading each chapter as it's written, has been giving great and very positive feedback, which has been encouraging...although i suspect there are things she wants to point out but feels too bad! frankly, wish she would point them out as i want her opinion on all manner of things chic lit! especially since this is her preferred reading genre, and distinctly, not mine!
ah the irony...
so, she sends this message after reading the scene: absolutely brilliant. very very well done'...so i post on FB my delight at her feedback and a male FB friend (and i call him an FB friend coz he is - we have NEVER met in real life, we connected about a year ago after i'd been to an online/internet thingy and he was friends with a number of people i met, in the last year we've had some great conversations, some very intimate, others inane, but on reading my post he sends me a message saying 'send me your sex scene' and i do)
of course that sent me into something of a spin! a man reading my sex scene - i guess that would be the ultimate test? i was visibly cringing as i knew he was reading the extract i'd sent to him...
don't know why i was worried - this was his response:
'and not to be crass, but it made me hard...it's good, i like the way you've written the speech, you can hear it'
wow! completely blew me away...
so, imagine my surprise at getting 2 glowing reports...chuffed! no other word for it, absolutely chuffed...
sooo with that i will excuse myself, finish my cup of tea, clean my teeth and crawl into bed! i've had a truly lovely weekend, lots of me time, a great therapy session, had a nice chat with the bloke at the bottleo, caught up with the bff, did a walk, went to aldi, spoke to my fam and another of my dear friends...all good!
g'nite ya'll...
it's hard to write a sex scene, well the first time you do it, it's hard (no pun intended)...and i have put it off for a few days, not knowing where to start, how to write it, how i wanted it to be read etc etc
so last night, i finally had to overcome my procrastination and just write...and i turned to my old friend, vodka for some help! a strong glass of vodka with lemonade and i was able to pen a scene i was happy with, bar one word! yep, you guessed it, how DO you describe 'it' in a word that isn't pornographic or overtly male?
so, today is the test - the best friend, who's been reading each chapter as it's written, has been giving great and very positive feedback, which has been encouraging...although i suspect there are things she wants to point out but feels too bad! frankly, wish she would point them out as i want her opinion on all manner of things chic lit! especially since this is her preferred reading genre, and distinctly, not mine!
ah the irony...
so, she sends this message after reading the scene: absolutely brilliant. very very well done'...so i post on FB my delight at her feedback and a male FB friend (and i call him an FB friend coz he is - we have NEVER met in real life, we connected about a year ago after i'd been to an online/internet thingy and he was friends with a number of people i met, in the last year we've had some great conversations, some very intimate, others inane, but on reading my post he sends me a message saying 'send me your sex scene' and i do)
of course that sent me into something of a spin! a man reading my sex scene - i guess that would be the ultimate test? i was visibly cringing as i knew he was reading the extract i'd sent to him...
don't know why i was worried - this was his response:
'and not to be crass, but it made me hard...it's good, i like the way you've written the speech, you can hear it'
wow! completely blew me away...
so, imagine my surprise at getting 2 glowing reports...chuffed! no other word for it, absolutely chuffed...
sooo with that i will excuse myself, finish my cup of tea, clean my teeth and crawl into bed! i've had a truly lovely weekend, lots of me time, a great therapy session, had a nice chat with the bloke at the bottleo, caught up with the bff, did a walk, went to aldi, spoke to my fam and another of my dear friends...all good!
g'nite ya'll...
Monday, November 21, 2011
not the best of days....
and nothing really bad has happened...meaning nobody i love or care about has been hurt, nobody i love has died, nothing in particular has happened i'm just in a funk...perhaps it's a case of the mean reds...
started mid to late afternoon yesterday when on the way to the airport with my dad he asked me if i'd met anyone, and was i over Ben etc etc
to be honest, i am so busy right now that i haven't really had too much time to think about it, but yeah, i guess sometimes being single is lonely...
for the most part i love it and since i took this job, which i also love (for the most part, otherwise this post would have no basis in reality!) i haven't had much time for anything but work, tennis, friends, family, exercise (although i definitely have less time for it!) and rejuvenating...oh and during November, NaNoWriMo...
but when i got home last night i felt sad - perhaps not so much sad as reminiscent - the question about Ben got me thinking about him and only the day before I told my mother that i dodged a bullet with Ben...maybe i felt bad about saying that? maybe the universe is punishing me? either way i felt sad
wasn't helped by an email from a colleague who is clearly pissed off with me right now - he's been showing attitude towards me in recent weeks and i can't pinpoint what is going on - at some point i will get up the courage to ask him, but in the meantime he's been cranky with me, late to my meetings (often he doesn't turn up at all), he is pushing back on things that i make decisions on and he was rude to a staff member of mine...
of course his excuse is that he's busy - well, fuck, who the hell isn't busy? we have a bucket load of things to do and he is under enormous pressure (i know this for a fact), but still...
anyway, it's kind of added to my melancholy (good word that) and i find myself deep in a funk...
so, hope the rain in Jo'burg will stop and i will get to watch some cricket - hope Lexie (my main character) will do something good in tonight's instalment and i hope i get a good nights sleep so i can go to tomorrow's mnt meeting with good humour and a kind and open heart....
started mid to late afternoon yesterday when on the way to the airport with my dad he asked me if i'd met anyone, and was i over Ben etc etc
to be honest, i am so busy right now that i haven't really had too much time to think about it, but yeah, i guess sometimes being single is lonely...
for the most part i love it and since i took this job, which i also love (for the most part, otherwise this post would have no basis in reality!) i haven't had much time for anything but work, tennis, friends, family, exercise (although i definitely have less time for it!) and rejuvenating...oh and during November, NaNoWriMo...
but when i got home last night i felt sad - perhaps not so much sad as reminiscent - the question about Ben got me thinking about him and only the day before I told my mother that i dodged a bullet with Ben...maybe i felt bad about saying that? maybe the universe is punishing me? either way i felt sad
wasn't helped by an email from a colleague who is clearly pissed off with me right now - he's been showing attitude towards me in recent weeks and i can't pinpoint what is going on - at some point i will get up the courage to ask him, but in the meantime he's been cranky with me, late to my meetings (often he doesn't turn up at all), he is pushing back on things that i make decisions on and he was rude to a staff member of mine...
of course his excuse is that he's busy - well, fuck, who the hell isn't busy? we have a bucket load of things to do and he is under enormous pressure (i know this for a fact), but still...
anyway, it's kind of added to my melancholy (good word that) and i find myself deep in a funk...
so, hope the rain in Jo'burg will stop and i will get to watch some cricket - hope Lexie (my main character) will do something good in tonight's instalment and i hope i get a good nights sleep so i can go to tomorrow's mnt meeting with good humour and a kind and open heart....
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
commitment to self...
is something that i have thought about in passing previously, but in the last few weeks, since i signed up for NaNoWriMo, it has come up a whole LOT more...
so turns out i have made this commitment, one that requires an enormous amount of discipline, energy, and time...not to mention, one needs to find inspiration sometimes...
but i am proud to say that as at today, some 16 days through a 30 day challenge, i am on track to complete a 50,000 word novel in a month
yep, that's right! hard to believe, and let me tell you it's fucking hard work...i am beyond exhausted, burning the candle at both ends, as it were, and all to do something for myself!
how nice...how different, for someone who has, for a large part of her life, done things for others and put her own needs to the back!
so, i'm pleased to say that my commitment to myself and to completing NaNoWriMo is so far, going well! at an average of 1,671 per day i have done 26,737 words, which equates loosely to 15 chapters!
let's hope i can keep this up for another 14 days!
wish me luck!
so turns out i have made this commitment, one that requires an enormous amount of discipline, energy, and time...not to mention, one needs to find inspiration sometimes...
but i am proud to say that as at today, some 16 days through a 30 day challenge, i am on track to complete a 50,000 word novel in a month
yep, that's right! hard to believe, and let me tell you it's fucking hard work...i am beyond exhausted, burning the candle at both ends, as it were, and all to do something for myself!
how nice...how different, for someone who has, for a large part of her life, done things for others and put her own needs to the back!
so, i'm pleased to say that my commitment to myself and to completing NaNoWriMo is so far, going well! at an average of 1,671 per day i have done 26,737 words, which equates loosely to 15 chapters!
let's hope i can keep this up for another 14 days!
wish me luck!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
contentment...
is just about the only word i can come up with for how i feel today...
so my day started off well! good nights sleep, message of thanks and gratitude from my boss regarding a big piece of work that i had done, sun was shining when i got up, work good (despite perhaps one too many meetings today), productive day, tennis with my coach, yummy dinner, cricket on the tele, and then an approval to go to a conference at the Gold Coast next year...if i sleep well tonight it will just about be the perfect day!
oh, and my sister let it slip that she has ordered me a personalised Carlton iphone 4 cover - nice! very excited...no doubt that will be my nephews gift to me so mental note to act surprised when i get it :-)
so yep, life is good right now! i love my job, i'm loving the challenge, i'm loving the people, i'm loving doing something that is appreciated, i'm loving the relationship with my boss, loving getting paid regularly! i love my friends, i love my family, i'm relieved and pleased my mum's cancer is soon to be a thing of the past...oh and i love that i finally committed to NaNoWriMo and have written 7 chapters in 8 days! seriously, not sure i could be happier?
and typically when i write this sort of thing i think 'yeah i could, if i had a partner' but you know, honestly, right now, for the first time in my life it feels like almost everything is going well and i don't think i have time for someone special right now, and if i had someone special in my life, i'd want them to feel special...
so i am one contented chic right now, and grateful...thank you universe xx
so my day started off well! good nights sleep, message of thanks and gratitude from my boss regarding a big piece of work that i had done, sun was shining when i got up, work good (despite perhaps one too many meetings today), productive day, tennis with my coach, yummy dinner, cricket on the tele, and then an approval to go to a conference at the Gold Coast next year...if i sleep well tonight it will just about be the perfect day!
oh, and my sister let it slip that she has ordered me a personalised Carlton iphone 4 cover - nice! very excited...no doubt that will be my nephews gift to me so mental note to act surprised when i get it :-)
so yep, life is good right now! i love my job, i'm loving the challenge, i'm loving the people, i'm loving doing something that is appreciated, i'm loving the relationship with my boss, loving getting paid regularly! i love my friends, i love my family, i'm relieved and pleased my mum's cancer is soon to be a thing of the past...oh and i love that i finally committed to NaNoWriMo and have written 7 chapters in 8 days! seriously, not sure i could be happier?
and typically when i write this sort of thing i think 'yeah i could, if i had a partner' but you know, honestly, right now, for the first time in my life it feels like almost everything is going well and i don't think i have time for someone special right now, and if i had someone special in my life, i'd want them to feel special...
so i am one contented chic right now, and grateful...thank you universe xx
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
800th post!
wow, turns out this is my 800th post...can you believe that? well, i can of course, since writing is one of my all time favourite pastimes!
so following the 'bubble girl' post last, it seems that since i had essentially left to the universe what would happen next, universe has indeed provided...
and i was not going to say a whole lot of stuff that had been flowing through my head since friday, but fuck it...this is my blog, i don't care who reads it and i think i need to get it out of my head
having this person re-appear in my life just about a year ago has been interesting, allowed me to really put the new me into action, exhausting (without a doubt), mostly one sided, draining and frankly, by the time she left here on sunday afternoon the only words ringing in my head were 'sort your fucking shit out'...
seriously! is she the ONLY person on the planet who thinks she's tired? is she the only person to ever have had a husband (who's lovely BTW), 2 kids (also lovely), a business that they run and complain constantly about how difficult her life is, how mentally exhausted she is (seriously, if i hear that expression one more time i will most likely stab the person who says it - she said it so many times in the course of 3 days, i found it hard to imagine anyone could convince themselves they were mentally exhausted, rather than doing something about it)....
seriously! take a long fucking hard look in the mirror and sort it out! any conversation that starts out about someone else ends up being about her, every attempt at empathy quickly becomes sympathy and a comparison to her situation, almost everything comes back to a discussion about the inadequacies of her parents (admittedly they were a bit odd)...i found myself thinking how sad it is that someone who's 42 has little or no understanding of social graces and still thinks it's ok to blame her parents - seriously?
YOU ARE 42 I wanted to yell out to her on many occasions over the weekend, but no, i held it in and tried to empathise (i at least know how to do this)....
so, she dumps me by text today - that's grown up isn't it? yep, when i sent her a thank you text for the chocolates she bought me i got something like 'i've done a lot of soul searching and i don't think we're a good fit'...
hilarious, and yet true...we have little or nothing in common and not for the first time in weeks i am able to reflect on my own journey and feel VERY proud of the person I am, the work i have done and the decisions i have made in the last coupla years...
sooooo onwards and upwards...sure i'm a wee bit sad, but mostly i'm just relieved that i won't have to listen to her self indulgent crap anytime soon!
nite x
so following the 'bubble girl' post last, it seems that since i had essentially left to the universe what would happen next, universe has indeed provided...
and i was not going to say a whole lot of stuff that had been flowing through my head since friday, but fuck it...this is my blog, i don't care who reads it and i think i need to get it out of my head
having this person re-appear in my life just about a year ago has been interesting, allowed me to really put the new me into action, exhausting (without a doubt), mostly one sided, draining and frankly, by the time she left here on sunday afternoon the only words ringing in my head were 'sort your fucking shit out'...
seriously! is she the ONLY person on the planet who thinks she's tired? is she the only person to ever have had a husband (who's lovely BTW), 2 kids (also lovely), a business that they run and complain constantly about how difficult her life is, how mentally exhausted she is (seriously, if i hear that expression one more time i will most likely stab the person who says it - she said it so many times in the course of 3 days, i found it hard to imagine anyone could convince themselves they were mentally exhausted, rather than doing something about it)....
seriously! take a long fucking hard look in the mirror and sort it out! any conversation that starts out about someone else ends up being about her, every attempt at empathy quickly becomes sympathy and a comparison to her situation, almost everything comes back to a discussion about the inadequacies of her parents (admittedly they were a bit odd)...i found myself thinking how sad it is that someone who's 42 has little or no understanding of social graces and still thinks it's ok to blame her parents - seriously?
YOU ARE 42 I wanted to yell out to her on many occasions over the weekend, but no, i held it in and tried to empathise (i at least know how to do this)....
so, she dumps me by text today - that's grown up isn't it? yep, when i sent her a thank you text for the chocolates she bought me i got something like 'i've done a lot of soul searching and i don't think we're a good fit'...
hilarious, and yet true...we have little or nothing in common and not for the first time in weeks i am able to reflect on my own journey and feel VERY proud of the person I am, the work i have done and the decisions i have made in the last coupla years...
sooooo onwards and upwards...sure i'm a wee bit sad, but mostly i'm just relieved that i won't have to listen to her self indulgent crap anytime soon!
nite x
Sunday, November 6, 2011
bubble girl....
ah yes, have bean hanging out for this feeling since thursday evening...
had a full on week at work last week, well technically only 4 days since i had friday off, but by thursday night it felt like i'd worked a whole week! last weekend was interrupted on saturday and sunday by some work related issues and by monday i felt as though i hadn't had a proper weekend (shouldn't complain and this isn't a complaint, as some of my colleagues spent their ENTIRE weekends at work)...worked like some sort of crazed adrenaline junkie throughout the week (which included melbourne cup) and the start of NaNoWriMo and by thursday night when i left work i was dizzy from exhaustion...that doesn't happen to me too often
didn't sleep too well on thursday night, rarely do when i have house guests, and friday we shopped, literally until we dropped...my designs of a morning shop, lunch out then an afternoon nap before a walk and then a home cooked dinner soon fell by the wayside...
got some great stuff mind and in all, was happy with the day
saturday some more of the same but this time at paddington markets, which i LOVE! Paddo markets is one of those archetypal Sydney things! always there, always good, seems impossible to leave without having either picked up a unique something or gotten a few great ideas for clothes or house stuff...love it! then afternoon tea in the QVB and a bit more 'browsing' before heading home around 5.30pm by which stage another entire day had passed and all we had done was shop and eat!
quieter night last night and a nice home cooked meal and then this morning, which despite my desire for a quiet sunday morning, was a reasonably emotionally charged morning with an admission from the visiting friend that she thought she'd done something to upset me yesterday and had she pissed me off and that she'd been tossing and turning all night...
fuck! so NOT how i wanted my sunday morning to go...so a lengthy discussion follows and i sit there, trying to be as calm as possible, and we go through it all...certainly, good thing to do but i recommend a) not being tired and b) having had some reflection time before doing such a thing...me, neither! anyway, all's well that ends well (or that's how the saying goes right?) but i can tell you that i have spent some time reflecting since it all unfolded...
exhausting frankly....over now and i guess resolved, but exhausting...
in the time since this friend re-appeared in my life this time last year, after a 16 year hiatus, at her doing, albeit not voluntarily, i have pondered on where it will go? whether or not we would be able to re-establish a connection that would allow us to have a meaningful friendship going forward? whether or not that's what i wanted? sure, part of the pull is that we had a good friendship 20 or so years ago, well as good as we could back then, but neither of us knew anything about life or ourselves back then...
we're different now, i'm certainly different now, and i have found myself questioning where it might all end up, and trying to work out where i'd like it to end up...
coming up empty frankly
can't decide
not sure i have to
so for now, i'm going to be content with being back in my beautiful little bubble...ah!
had a full on week at work last week, well technically only 4 days since i had friday off, but by thursday night it felt like i'd worked a whole week! last weekend was interrupted on saturday and sunday by some work related issues and by monday i felt as though i hadn't had a proper weekend (shouldn't complain and this isn't a complaint, as some of my colleagues spent their ENTIRE weekends at work)...worked like some sort of crazed adrenaline junkie throughout the week (which included melbourne cup) and the start of NaNoWriMo and by thursday night when i left work i was dizzy from exhaustion...that doesn't happen to me too often
didn't sleep too well on thursday night, rarely do when i have house guests, and friday we shopped, literally until we dropped...my designs of a morning shop, lunch out then an afternoon nap before a walk and then a home cooked dinner soon fell by the wayside...
got some great stuff mind and in all, was happy with the day
saturday some more of the same but this time at paddington markets, which i LOVE! Paddo markets is one of those archetypal Sydney things! always there, always good, seems impossible to leave without having either picked up a unique something or gotten a few great ideas for clothes or house stuff...love it! then afternoon tea in the QVB and a bit more 'browsing' before heading home around 5.30pm by which stage another entire day had passed and all we had done was shop and eat!
quieter night last night and a nice home cooked meal and then this morning, which despite my desire for a quiet sunday morning, was a reasonably emotionally charged morning with an admission from the visiting friend that she thought she'd done something to upset me yesterday and had she pissed me off and that she'd been tossing and turning all night...
fuck! so NOT how i wanted my sunday morning to go...so a lengthy discussion follows and i sit there, trying to be as calm as possible, and we go through it all...certainly, good thing to do but i recommend a) not being tired and b) having had some reflection time before doing such a thing...me, neither! anyway, all's well that ends well (or that's how the saying goes right?) but i can tell you that i have spent some time reflecting since it all unfolded...
exhausting frankly....over now and i guess resolved, but exhausting...
in the time since this friend re-appeared in my life this time last year, after a 16 year hiatus, at her doing, albeit not voluntarily, i have pondered on where it will go? whether or not we would be able to re-establish a connection that would allow us to have a meaningful friendship going forward? whether or not that's what i wanted? sure, part of the pull is that we had a good friendship 20 or so years ago, well as good as we could back then, but neither of us knew anything about life or ourselves back then...
we're different now, i'm certainly different now, and i have found myself questioning where it might all end up, and trying to work out where i'd like it to end up...
coming up empty frankly
can't decide
not sure i have to
so for now, i'm going to be content with being back in my beautiful little bubble...ah!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
girl interrupted...
that's what it feels like to have a house guest for not one, not two, but three nights during NaNoWriMo...
and sure, i'm enjoying her visit, but i am feeling bad that it's distracted me from the task at hand, which this month, is NaNoWriMo...
did so well to start! met or exceeded the word count on days 1 and 2, did about 2/3 of word count on day 3, nothing today, but tomorrow i hope to be able to make up for lost time...
so i feel, not quite as dismantled as Winona in girl interrupted, but still..
and sure, i'm enjoying her visit, but i am feeling bad that it's distracted me from the task at hand, which this month, is NaNoWriMo...
did so well to start! met or exceeded the word count on days 1 and 2, did about 2/3 of word count on day 3, nothing today, but tomorrow i hope to be able to make up for lost time...
so i feel, not quite as dismantled as Winona in girl interrupted, but still..
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
3415 down, 46585 to go...
yep, you read it right folks! 3415 is the current word count and 46585 is the words i have to write between now and 30 november...
what was i thinking? this is a serious WTF?
in all seriousness though, i'm enjoying having made this commitment to myself! for YEARS i have been saying i wanted to write a novel and in recent times i have wanted to do NaNoWriMo...and i have found way too many reasons (none of which were probably good reasons not to) not to do it...
but no, this year i decided none of those reasons, or even excuses, coz let's be serious that's what they were, were actually good enough...
so, 2 days in, 3415 words down and 2 chapters that i am reasonably happy with!
who would have thought i would be so good at something when i really set my mind to it!
shoulda known that...not like it's the first time i've observed myself to be a) good under pressure and b) able to demonstrate good willpower when it's something i really want...
funny how sometimes we lose sight of our strengths!
happy writing to any fellow NaNoWriMo's...
S
x
what was i thinking? this is a serious WTF?
in all seriousness though, i'm enjoying having made this commitment to myself! for YEARS i have been saying i wanted to write a novel and in recent times i have wanted to do NaNoWriMo...and i have found way too many reasons (none of which were probably good reasons not to) not to do it...
but no, this year i decided none of those reasons, or even excuses, coz let's be serious that's what they were, were actually good enough...
so, 2 days in, 3415 words down and 2 chapters that i am reasonably happy with!
who would have thought i would be so good at something when i really set my mind to it!
shoulda known that...not like it's the first time i've observed myself to be a) good under pressure and b) able to demonstrate good willpower when it's something i really want...
funny how sometimes we lose sight of our strengths!
happy writing to any fellow NaNoWriMo's...
S
x
Thursday, October 27, 2011
oh shit...
i did it
i enrolled in NaNoWriMO...
fuck...what was i thinking?
i have NEVER been busier in my entire life and now i decide to enrol in NaNoWriMO...i must be mad!
so, on tuesday it starts...
between now and then i gotta come up with an idea for this novel...
shit shit shit!
oh well, gonna give it a try - if i get ANYWHERE close to 75,000 words in one month, that will be a huge effort...
wish me luck!
i enrolled in NaNoWriMO...
fuck...what was i thinking?
i have NEVER been busier in my entire life and now i decide to enrol in NaNoWriMO...i must be mad!
so, on tuesday it starts...
between now and then i gotta come up with an idea for this novel...
shit shit shit!
oh well, gonna give it a try - if i get ANYWHERE close to 75,000 words in one month, that will be a huge effort...
wish me luck!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
it's a mixed bag tonight...
yep folks, tonight's post is going to be a mixed bag! seems i don't have anywhere near as much time as i would like to write the blog so tonight is going to be something of a brain dump of the last little bit of time...
so first up let's start with my weird dream friday night...saturday night had plans to go to a Girls Night In cancer fundraiser with one of the bff's...theme is meant to be Carnivale (and you know how much I love a theme...not!)...so imagine my surprise when i wake up in a cold sweat Saturday morning having had the following little dream:
Kirsten turns up to the house, but it's not my house but a house i'm looking after for someone else, a house that has some strange floor plan as it seems there are walls/doors where there shouldn't be and it just doesn't flow...wonder what that means? and it's not just her but another 2 or 3 girls and they are all seriously dressed up - not in carnivale but in very flashy dresses, heels etc (this in itself is weird coz Kirst doesn't much like the dress up)...so then the next scene is me going thru the wardrobe of the lady of the house, whoever that is, and all i can find is air hostess uniforms in dry cleaning bags? seriously, WTF is that all about - Freud would have a field day with that one...
then there's the topic of my somewhat annoying neighbours - i'm not sure if i've mentioned them before and to be fair they aren't annoying all of the time...but she's one of those north shore snobs who has an affected way of talking - so affected i want to push her head through a concrete wall and he's a nice bloke who's frankly whipped! but seems that between the 2 of them they can't park a bloody car properly and i find myself becoming increasingly annoyed by their less than competent parking in the street...see there's enough room for 3 cars if everyone parks like a normal person, but no no, these 2 imbeciles seem incapable of doing that rendering the space only suitable for 2 cars...not sure why it does my head in, but it SERIOUSLY bothers me...mental note to self: discuss with therapist!
then there's NaNoWriMo which for years I have considered entering, and this year, when i a) have NO time whatsoever and b) even less time than I have had in any of the preceding years when I considered this, I am actually thinking about entering...am i fucking mad? or just really keen to see what the structure and challenge of something like NaNoWriMo will do for my novel writing...?
and there's also the sudden interruption to my re-established sleep pattern...damn it! i'd worked so hard to try and re-establish a good, and by good i mean natural, i.e. no drugs, sleeping pattern...but in recent days (post virus and possibly pre menstrual) that seems to have fallen by the wayside and i find myself crawling into bed so tired i entertain the thought of NEVER waking up...and yet, unable to sleep the thoughts flick through my head like a reel that just won't turn itself off...annoying!
so that's all for the mixed bag...
nite x
ps happy birthday to my uncle mart!
oh, and i'm changing fonts - came across this one by accident and kinda like it!
so first up let's start with my weird dream friday night...saturday night had plans to go to a Girls Night In cancer fundraiser with one of the bff's...theme is meant to be Carnivale (and you know how much I love a theme...not!)...so imagine my surprise when i wake up in a cold sweat Saturday morning having had the following little dream:
Kirsten turns up to the house, but it's not my house but a house i'm looking after for someone else, a house that has some strange floor plan as it seems there are walls/doors where there shouldn't be and it just doesn't flow...wonder what that means? and it's not just her but another 2 or 3 girls and they are all seriously dressed up - not in carnivale but in very flashy dresses, heels etc (this in itself is weird coz Kirst doesn't much like the dress up)...so then the next scene is me going thru the wardrobe of the lady of the house, whoever that is, and all i can find is air hostess uniforms in dry cleaning bags? seriously, WTF is that all about - Freud would have a field day with that one...
then there's the topic of my somewhat annoying neighbours - i'm not sure if i've mentioned them before and to be fair they aren't annoying all of the time...but she's one of those north shore snobs who has an affected way of talking - so affected i want to push her head through a concrete wall and he's a nice bloke who's frankly whipped! but seems that between the 2 of them they can't park a bloody car properly and i find myself becoming increasingly annoyed by their less than competent parking in the street...see there's enough room for 3 cars if everyone parks like a normal person, but no no, these 2 imbeciles seem incapable of doing that rendering the space only suitable for 2 cars...not sure why it does my head in, but it SERIOUSLY bothers me...mental note to self: discuss with therapist!
then there's NaNoWriMo which for years I have considered entering, and this year, when i a) have NO time whatsoever and b) even less time than I have had in any of the preceding years when I considered this, I am actually thinking about entering...am i fucking mad? or just really keen to see what the structure and challenge of something like NaNoWriMo will do for my novel writing...?
and there's also the sudden interruption to my re-established sleep pattern...damn it! i'd worked so hard to try and re-establish a good, and by good i mean natural, i.e. no drugs, sleeping pattern...but in recent days (post virus and possibly pre menstrual) that seems to have fallen by the wayside and i find myself crawling into bed so tired i entertain the thought of NEVER waking up...and yet, unable to sleep the thoughts flick through my head like a reel that just won't turn itself off...annoying!
so that's all for the mixed bag...
nite x
ps happy birthday to my uncle mart!
oh, and i'm changing fonts - came across this one by accident and kinda like it!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
dating...
it's a funny word that...dating! what does it really mean? i mean I wonder how someone came up with it to refer to the meeting of 2 people in a romantic sense...bizarre...
anyway, tuesday night i had a date! first one in a LONG time and it was nice...actually it was! and i think a LOT of that was due to my attitude...
i felt good, confident, wore a dress (i know i know, those of you who know me are thinking 'WTF she wore a dress'), and for almost ever i didn't feel i had to be someone i'm not, or apologise for or defend my position on things...
so a nice night, would see him again if he asks, and if he doesn't, well, it was a nice night...
none of my usual paranoia has set in - you know how it goes: will he call? did he like me? am i this? am i that? nope, don't really care either way! had a good evening, enjoyed his company, was delighted he was a gentleman and that's it...
guess this is living in the moment, guess it's being grown up - either way, i like it!
it's been a bloody busy few weeks otherwise - tuesday (and my 2nd board meeting) marked my 3 month anniversary with the new employer! wow, that went by in a flash...in another 3 months it will be more than a year since the fuckwit re-appeared in my life, xmas will have been and gone, mum will be finished her radiotherapy, i'll be 43 and it will be only a handful of days until the 2 year anniversary since ben and i split...
time seems to be literally flying by these days - and i'm neither saying that is good nor bad, simply noting it down...
i still love the job, i'm still very glad i took it, there are some teething issues which are now well and truly making themselves known, i have made some good relationships with some and i'm enjoying the work...despite me being able to see many years of work ahead to get it to where i'd like to leave it...
and not that i'm thinking of leaving, not yet anyway, but this never was going to be permanent and the more i think about what it means to me and where it fits into my life, the more i know that ultimately i hope to be really helping others who haven't had it so good as me...
and sure, some of you may think that what i'm doing now achieves that, and i guess, it does in some ways - my predecessor was a horrible man who nobody seemed to like much less respect and so i am working hard to turn the perception of our team around...so we are helping, i know we are, but not in the way i really wanna be helping...
the other thing too is this yearning i have to write a novel - i really do - and i know that some women my age probably yearn for a child they haven't had yet or a relationship (sure, wouldn't mind one of those), i yearn to be doing exactly what i think i'm on this earth for...
in the meantime, it's all a bit of fun, i'm trying not to take it all so seriously and happy to be enjoying the ride!
am really tired now - 2 days of fighting an infection (they are unsure whether it's viral or bacterial) which manifested in me not being able to open my right eye yesterday morning has left me without much energy...so i'm going to make a cup of tea and crawl into bed with Paul Auster - yep, first book of his i've ever read (The Brooklyn Follies) and I can honestly say 'that man can write' - it's a good read and so beautifully written...
i fear before i do get into bed i will duck by bookdepository.co.uk to see what other little gems of his I can pick up!
nite xx
anyway, tuesday night i had a date! first one in a LONG time and it was nice...actually it was! and i think a LOT of that was due to my attitude...
i felt good, confident, wore a dress (i know i know, those of you who know me are thinking 'WTF she wore a dress'), and for almost ever i didn't feel i had to be someone i'm not, or apologise for or defend my position on things...
so a nice night, would see him again if he asks, and if he doesn't, well, it was a nice night...
none of my usual paranoia has set in - you know how it goes: will he call? did he like me? am i this? am i that? nope, don't really care either way! had a good evening, enjoyed his company, was delighted he was a gentleman and that's it...
guess this is living in the moment, guess it's being grown up - either way, i like it!
it's been a bloody busy few weeks otherwise - tuesday (and my 2nd board meeting) marked my 3 month anniversary with the new employer! wow, that went by in a flash...in another 3 months it will be more than a year since the fuckwit re-appeared in my life, xmas will have been and gone, mum will be finished her radiotherapy, i'll be 43 and it will be only a handful of days until the 2 year anniversary since ben and i split...
time seems to be literally flying by these days - and i'm neither saying that is good nor bad, simply noting it down...
i still love the job, i'm still very glad i took it, there are some teething issues which are now well and truly making themselves known, i have made some good relationships with some and i'm enjoying the work...despite me being able to see many years of work ahead to get it to where i'd like to leave it...
and not that i'm thinking of leaving, not yet anyway, but this never was going to be permanent and the more i think about what it means to me and where it fits into my life, the more i know that ultimately i hope to be really helping others who haven't had it so good as me...
and sure, some of you may think that what i'm doing now achieves that, and i guess, it does in some ways - my predecessor was a horrible man who nobody seemed to like much less respect and so i am working hard to turn the perception of our team around...so we are helping, i know we are, but not in the way i really wanna be helping...
the other thing too is this yearning i have to write a novel - i really do - and i know that some women my age probably yearn for a child they haven't had yet or a relationship (sure, wouldn't mind one of those), i yearn to be doing exactly what i think i'm on this earth for...
in the meantime, it's all a bit of fun, i'm trying not to take it all so seriously and happy to be enjoying the ride!
am really tired now - 2 days of fighting an infection (they are unsure whether it's viral or bacterial) which manifested in me not being able to open my right eye yesterday morning has left me without much energy...so i'm going to make a cup of tea and crawl into bed with Paul Auster - yep, first book of his i've ever read (The Brooklyn Follies) and I can honestly say 'that man can write' - it's a good read and so beautifully written...
i fear before i do get into bed i will duck by bookdepository.co.uk to see what other little gems of his I can pick up!
nite xx
Monday, October 10, 2011
for the first time in
a LONG time i feel truly happy and content with my lot in life...:-)
how nice to be able to reflect on life and say that...bar the incident at the dry cleaner's earlier, but i'm not going to let that mar an otherwise positive post (and day!)
so work is great - and i cannot remember the last time i said that and really meant it - and not to imply that i don't tell the truth, or that i say things are good when they are not, but they haven't been this good for a very long time...possibly ever
big call right? and i did love my business when i ran it, at least until it got lonely, or too difficult or became apparent that to make money i also had to sell...
so work is great! my 10 year old nephew asked me if i loved my job last week and when i told him i did, he asked me why! and as i reflected on my reasons (which i'll share here), this job seems to tick many of the boxes that perhaps i didn't realise were important to me...(gotta love getting older, and wiser)...
so the things i love about this job are this:
bit like my tennis tonight - maybe having just gotten cranky at the dry cleaner's is good prep for tennis, coz i was good tonight, and i mean GOOD! took 6 points off my coach in a first to 7 hit out...not bad, even if i do say so myself...
the crap of the last year seems to have finally been worked through and nicely packaged in a box and put to the back of the wardrobe (metaphorically speaking)...i feel engaged in my job and in my life, i thoroughly enjoyed my first weekend at home in about 6 weeks, loving my friends, love the fam, enjoying my tennis, wondering when i can to New York next...
all good!
so on that note, bon soir xxx
ps thinking of my good friend daniel tonight, whose lovely girlfriend tina was killed in bali 9 years ago today...thinking of you dan...xx
how nice to be able to reflect on life and say that...bar the incident at the dry cleaner's earlier, but i'm not going to let that mar an otherwise positive post (and day!)
so work is great - and i cannot remember the last time i said that and really meant it - and not to imply that i don't tell the truth, or that i say things are good when they are not, but they haven't been this good for a very long time...possibly ever
big call right? and i did love my business when i ran it, at least until it got lonely, or too difficult or became apparent that to make money i also had to sell...
so work is great! my 10 year old nephew asked me if i loved my job last week and when i told him i did, he asked me why! and as i reflected on my reasons (which i'll share here), this job seems to tick many of the boxes that perhaps i didn't realise were important to me...(gotta love getting older, and wiser)...
so the things i love about this job are this:
- location
- my team
- my boss
- level at which i'm operating so i feel i have some autonomy
- my peers
- the job itself
- the location
- the industry
- oh, and the regular pay
bit like my tennis tonight - maybe having just gotten cranky at the dry cleaner's is good prep for tennis, coz i was good tonight, and i mean GOOD! took 6 points off my coach in a first to 7 hit out...not bad, even if i do say so myself...
the crap of the last year seems to have finally been worked through and nicely packaged in a box and put to the back of the wardrobe (metaphorically speaking)...i feel engaged in my job and in my life, i thoroughly enjoyed my first weekend at home in about 6 weeks, loving my friends, love the fam, enjoying my tennis, wondering when i can to New York next...
all good!
so on that note, bon soir xxx
ps thinking of my good friend daniel tonight, whose lovely girlfriend tina was killed in bali 9 years ago today...thinking of you dan...xx
Thursday, October 6, 2011
vintage...
so earlier today, the same good looking guy from work that told me i was a 'good sort' the other day, suggests that him and i are the 'same vintage'...i don't really hear the start of what he was saying but hear '....vintage, right?'
initially i thought he was telling me i was a good vintage, which might be another reference to me being a good sort, but i think he was subtly (or not!) trying to find out how old i am....
of course, i am not one to be scared off answering this question, so after a quick discussion, where he has said to me 'early thirties, late twenties?' (as if!) i tell him i'm 42...
he then tells me he's 38 which is funny, because no sooner did i leave the conversation and walk back to my desk, did i start remembering what 38 was like for me...
and all of a sudden i was taken back to a time in my life which was (maybe then, but maybe not now looking back with the benefit of hindsight) much better than now...
or was it?
and as i start on this line of thinking i realise i have confused 38 with 39, but for the sake of an interesting read we'll go with 39, as for the life of me i can't recall what happened in my 38th year...not in any detail anyway
so at 39, i'd had my birthday (another one solo), then a trip to Melbs to celebrate the 40th of a good friend, which was followed by a month of feeling v v lonely...then i met Ben and for the remainder of that year (my 40th year) it was a great year...one of love, being in love, sharing, intimacy, and the start of what i thought would be something quite permanent and special....
and then i turned 40, and the day itself was ok, but by then, the cracks in my relationship with Ben had already started to show...despite that i had a wonderful 40th birthday party surrounded by friends and family in Manly...my health declined, my stress levels increased, my grandfather had a stroke and passed away, and finally i told work that there was no role for me and that i wanted redundancy...
only to find that they agreed with me and let me go...out into the big wide world and even though Ben was still a big part of my life, i felt that i was doing this very much on my own...
the next few months went by in something of a blur as i grieved the loss of not only my beloved grandfather (who passed away on 9 April 2009...the very day I departed from corporate life) but also the loss of me, my identity and my meaning...
truly, an existential crisis started to unfold, and i can honestly say, that is has taken the better part of nearly 3 years to come out of that...
wow! what a roller coaster it's been - what a journey of self knowledge - i feel so proud of myself, to have had the courage to confront many of the demonds of my past, and the best part of it all, is that feeling i have of being, right now, truly happy and content with my lot in life...
not a bad place to end up on a thursday afternoon!
happy weekend ahead xx
initially i thought he was telling me i was a good vintage, which might be another reference to me being a good sort, but i think he was subtly (or not!) trying to find out how old i am....
of course, i am not one to be scared off answering this question, so after a quick discussion, where he has said to me 'early thirties, late twenties?' (as if!) i tell him i'm 42...
he then tells me he's 38 which is funny, because no sooner did i leave the conversation and walk back to my desk, did i start remembering what 38 was like for me...
and all of a sudden i was taken back to a time in my life which was (maybe then, but maybe not now looking back with the benefit of hindsight) much better than now...
or was it?
and as i start on this line of thinking i realise i have confused 38 with 39, but for the sake of an interesting read we'll go with 39, as for the life of me i can't recall what happened in my 38th year...not in any detail anyway
so at 39, i'd had my birthday (another one solo), then a trip to Melbs to celebrate the 40th of a good friend, which was followed by a month of feeling v v lonely...then i met Ben and for the remainder of that year (my 40th year) it was a great year...one of love, being in love, sharing, intimacy, and the start of what i thought would be something quite permanent and special....
and then i turned 40, and the day itself was ok, but by then, the cracks in my relationship with Ben had already started to show...despite that i had a wonderful 40th birthday party surrounded by friends and family in Manly...my health declined, my stress levels increased, my grandfather had a stroke and passed away, and finally i told work that there was no role for me and that i wanted redundancy...
only to find that they agreed with me and let me go...out into the big wide world and even though Ben was still a big part of my life, i felt that i was doing this very much on my own...
the next few months went by in something of a blur as i grieved the loss of not only my beloved grandfather (who passed away on 9 April 2009...the very day I departed from corporate life) but also the loss of me, my identity and my meaning...
truly, an existential crisis started to unfold, and i can honestly say, that is has taken the better part of nearly 3 years to come out of that...
wow! what a roller coaster it's been - what a journey of self knowledge - i feel so proud of myself, to have had the courage to confront many of the demonds of my past, and the best part of it all, is that feeling i have of being, right now, truly happy and content with my lot in life...
not a bad place to end up on a thursday afternoon!
happy weekend ahead xx
Monday, October 3, 2011
finito....bar a fridge
and i don't mean a bar fridge, despite my dad making that very suggestion this morning!
nope, i mean my beautiful little kitchen is finished...all that's left to do is to consider buying a new fridge
so cupboards are done, new oven is installed (amazingly, my old one broke mid renovations - do you reckon that's a sign?), blinds are on order and only a week or so away and now i really think the fridge must go...
so found myself looking at new fridges today - flat doored, stainless steel brand spanking new fridges! the one i like is $1,800 - doesn't seem like a lot of money for something that (based on my average) will last me over 15 years??
so, think a fridge purchase is imminent!
adios!
nope, i mean my beautiful little kitchen is finished...all that's left to do is to consider buying a new fridge
so cupboards are done, new oven is installed (amazingly, my old one broke mid renovations - do you reckon that's a sign?), blinds are on order and only a week or so away and now i really think the fridge must go...
so found myself looking at new fridges today - flat doored, stainless steel brand spanking new fridges! the one i like is $1,800 - doesn't seem like a lot of money for something that (based on my average) will last me over 15 years??
so, think a fridge purchase is imminent!
adios!
tea and blogging...
yep, two of my favourite things...
just made myself a nice cuppa and am enjoying it as i do some posting - well overdue posting i might add!
so it occurred to me some time ago and i simply haven't had time to write a post about it that 'the past is best when it's in the past, and no longer in your present'...now, I have no idea if someone has said this before me but after months of struggling with the chaos and upheaval that chris caused in my life, i am finally feeling at peace with it all...i finally feel as though he is now a part of my past and not my present....
which is such a big reflief as now, some 11 months on since he turned up, i finally have my self back...i am no longer a slave to the thoughts and feelings that his re-appearance brought up...nope, all that has surfaced, i think, has been summarily dealt with and put to bed...as it were
and it's nice! more than that, it's freeing, it's liberating and downright empowering to know that i am finally in control of all of that - no longer will i be sucked into his manipulative games...
nope, finally my past with him is in the past and he is no longer a part of the daily fabric of my life...no wonder i've been so happy of late!
so back to tea and blogging - long may they both continue!
night
x
just made myself a nice cuppa and am enjoying it as i do some posting - well overdue posting i might add!
so it occurred to me some time ago and i simply haven't had time to write a post about it that 'the past is best when it's in the past, and no longer in your present'...now, I have no idea if someone has said this before me but after months of struggling with the chaos and upheaval that chris caused in my life, i am finally feeling at peace with it all...i finally feel as though he is now a part of my past and not my present....
which is such a big reflief as now, some 11 months on since he turned up, i finally have my self back...i am no longer a slave to the thoughts and feelings that his re-appearance brought up...nope, all that has surfaced, i think, has been summarily dealt with and put to bed...as it were
and it's nice! more than that, it's freeing, it's liberating and downright empowering to know that i am finally in control of all of that - no longer will i be sucked into his manipulative games...
nope, finally my past with him is in the past and he is no longer a part of the daily fabric of my life...no wonder i've been so happy of late!
so back to tea and blogging - long may they both continue!
night
x
dreams...
i mean actual dreams, not the ones i have for my future...
so interesting...the other night andrew apps turned up in my dream...he's a boy i had a crush on when i was 14, or 15 - so we are talking someone i haven't thought about for years! sure, i ran into him at the rugby union one time here in Sydney, and sure when I went to our 10 or 15 year reunion he was there, but other than that, it's been an AGE since he popped into my head...
could be coz i have been spending a fair bit of time in canberra, which of course is where we went to school together - wonder too if going down to tuggerangong vikings club may have subconsciously (or even, unconsciously) made me think of him?
even weirder than him turning up was that he turned up looking like him, but it was (i think) actually chris lloyd...
and in reality they are not connected at all - never met each other as far as i know, and unlikely to ever do so - of course they do both have rugby in common, but that's drawing a long long bow no?
hmmmm, not sure what to make of that one? it's even a bit out there for me and my dream analysis usually extends to some quite whacky ones, but i'm kinda stumped with this one...
what's even funnier is why they appeared together and it got me wondering as to when i may have 'connected' them?
don't think i have...
anyway, just saying, it was a weird dream that one!
so interesting...the other night andrew apps turned up in my dream...he's a boy i had a crush on when i was 14, or 15 - so we are talking someone i haven't thought about for years! sure, i ran into him at the rugby union one time here in Sydney, and sure when I went to our 10 or 15 year reunion he was there, but other than that, it's been an AGE since he popped into my head...
could be coz i have been spending a fair bit of time in canberra, which of course is where we went to school together - wonder too if going down to tuggerangong vikings club may have subconsciously (or even, unconsciously) made me think of him?
even weirder than him turning up was that he turned up looking like him, but it was (i think) actually chris lloyd...
and in reality they are not connected at all - never met each other as far as i know, and unlikely to ever do so - of course they do both have rugby in common, but that's drawing a long long bow no?
hmmmm, not sure what to make of that one? it's even a bit out there for me and my dream analysis usually extends to some quite whacky ones, but i'm kinda stumped with this one...
what's even funnier is why they appeared together and it got me wondering as to when i may have 'connected' them?
don't think i have...
anyway, just saying, it was a weird dream that one!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
mmmm G is back!
yep, got home tonight and realised that i had taped NCIS LA so tonight I got to have dinner with G...yum! i do love that man (well, the character anyway)...
when did i get so busy? when did i get so busy that i hardly ever find time to update the blog? seriously? well, probably around the same time that i took this job...
this job...which is keeping me busy, and this job, that i LOVE! seriously, haven't loved a job for ages - combination of a coupla things makes it enjoyable and fulfilling...just so glad i decided to do it as it has certainly enriched my life, made me feel a part of something, re-established a routine, given me somewhere to go each day and allowed me to connected to a much bigger and more accessible network...all good!
mum has her 2nd surgery this coming friday and my fingers and toes are crossed that it a) goes without incident and b) means they have got all of the cancer and she can move on with her life...it's been a very stressful time and one i hope she, and we, don't have to go thru again...so universe, if you are listening...please...
and sadly, my friend Ossie died on my Daniel's 10th birthday - he was only 57 and so so so young to die...it's heartbreaking for Deb, it was disturbing to see him the way he was - a shadow of his former self...
forever in our hearts dear Ossie, may you now rest in peace...
it's funny to think that i used to find time almost every day, sometimes more than once a day, to write my blog, and now it seems that weeks go by in between posts...
guess that's a good thing! or is it?
ciao xx
when did i get so busy? when did i get so busy that i hardly ever find time to update the blog? seriously? well, probably around the same time that i took this job...
this job...which is keeping me busy, and this job, that i LOVE! seriously, haven't loved a job for ages - combination of a coupla things makes it enjoyable and fulfilling...just so glad i decided to do it as it has certainly enriched my life, made me feel a part of something, re-established a routine, given me somewhere to go each day and allowed me to connected to a much bigger and more accessible network...all good!
mum has her 2nd surgery this coming friday and my fingers and toes are crossed that it a) goes without incident and b) means they have got all of the cancer and she can move on with her life...it's been a very stressful time and one i hope she, and we, don't have to go thru again...so universe, if you are listening...please...
and sadly, my friend Ossie died on my Daniel's 10th birthday - he was only 57 and so so so young to die...it's heartbreaking for Deb, it was disturbing to see him the way he was - a shadow of his former self...
forever in our hearts dear Ossie, may you now rest in peace...
it's funny to think that i used to find time almost every day, sometimes more than once a day, to write my blog, and now it seems that weeks go by in between posts...
guess that's a good thing! or is it?
ciao xx
Monday, September 19, 2011
and the bad news keeps on coming...
at the moment...seriously, WTF?
so we were just starting to get back to normality (whatever that is...especially for our family) and mum finds out that there are rogue cells in the outer part of the lump they removed a coupla weeks ago - so she's going back in next friday so they can take out more tissue...
honestly, it's not bad bad news, it's just a hiccup and little hump in the road, but it's really set my dad back...
so hopefully this time they will get it all - gotta think positively - still nothing in lymph and only radiotherapy to come...
sadder news is my friend Ossie who is really not doing so well...he's been in hospital for weeks with liver/kidney and a variety of other issues and today has really taken a turn for the worse....i suspect, but sincerely hope i'm wrong, that he may not survive what is going on in his body...so universe if you are listening, please look over him and my Mum....
and please please please arrange for some good news...
thank you
xx
so we were just starting to get back to normality (whatever that is...especially for our family) and mum finds out that there are rogue cells in the outer part of the lump they removed a coupla weeks ago - so she's going back in next friday so they can take out more tissue...
honestly, it's not bad bad news, it's just a hiccup and little hump in the road, but it's really set my dad back...
so hopefully this time they will get it all - gotta think positively - still nothing in lymph and only radiotherapy to come...
sadder news is my friend Ossie who is really not doing so well...he's been in hospital for weeks with liver/kidney and a variety of other issues and today has really taken a turn for the worse....i suspect, but sincerely hope i'm wrong, that he may not survive what is going on in his body...so universe if you are listening, please look over him and my Mum....
and please please please arrange for some good news...
thank you
xx
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
weird...
how someone you haven't thought about for ages, suddenly pops up...in your mind that is...and in my case in my dreams, well one of them anyway...
disturbing...
disturbing and yet interesting, as historically, i have observed that i rarely (if ever) dream about someone whilst they are 'in' my life...men anyway, it only seems that they start to appear in my dreams when i am starting to feel 'over' (if i can use that word, which i don't really like) them...
sooo interesting it is, although the dream itself was a little disturbing, and not in a bad way, just that he was in my dreams and even though i have had so much going on (both at work and in my personal life) of late, it's amazing that my mind even has time to remember him, let alone have him turn up in my dream...
can't even remember exactly what the context was or what happened in the dream, but i do remember waking up disturbed that he was in it....and of course, the inevitable reminder of all that was and what he did etc etc
and the realisation that it's NEVER gonna go away...what he did is always going to be there and in many ways has (despite my best efforts) gotten in the way some how...
yep, he has gotten in the way of what i wanted for myself in one area of my life...
thankfully the other areas all seem relatively good and 'on track' so to speak..
so, it was weird to have him turn up in my dream, and somewhat unwelcome, so universe (or should i say mind!), please avoid having him appear in future dreams...
nite x
disturbing...
disturbing and yet interesting, as historically, i have observed that i rarely (if ever) dream about someone whilst they are 'in' my life...men anyway, it only seems that they start to appear in my dreams when i am starting to feel 'over' (if i can use that word, which i don't really like) them...
sooo interesting it is, although the dream itself was a little disturbing, and not in a bad way, just that he was in my dreams and even though i have had so much going on (both at work and in my personal life) of late, it's amazing that my mind even has time to remember him, let alone have him turn up in my dream...
can't even remember exactly what the context was or what happened in the dream, but i do remember waking up disturbed that he was in it....and of course, the inevitable reminder of all that was and what he did etc etc
and the realisation that it's NEVER gonna go away...what he did is always going to be there and in many ways has (despite my best efforts) gotten in the way some how...
yep, he has gotten in the way of what i wanted for myself in one area of my life...
thankfully the other areas all seem relatively good and 'on track' so to speak..
so, it was weird to have him turn up in my dream, and somewhat unwelcome, so universe (or should i say mind!), please avoid having him appear in future dreams...
nite x
Sunday, September 11, 2011
phew...
is really all i can say! mum had a successful lumpectomy on tuesday - surgeon reckons they got it all, and confirmed there was no cancer in the lymph nodes...great news! big big sigh of relief...
mum recovering well, dad doing better now and it was so nice to be home for a few days...
back to reality now, although reality seems WAY better now we know mum will be ok...
grateful...x
mum recovering well, dad doing better now and it was so nice to be home for a few days...
back to reality now, although reality seems WAY better now we know mum will be ok...
grateful...x
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
the big c...
until today was just the title of a tv show that i have really enjoyed...but sadly my Mum's trip to the doctor following an abnormal mammogram was not good news today...
turns out, and not for the first time, she has the big c...fuck
breast cancer this time...
not good, not what i was hoping for...
but she is strong and positive and i know she will fight this head on...
so universe if you are listening please help her fight this so we have many many more years with her yet
not fair really...really not fair at all
nite x
turns out, and not for the first time, she has the big c...fuck
breast cancer this time...
not good, not what i was hoping for...
but she is strong and positive and i know she will fight this head on...
so universe if you are listening please help her fight this so we have many many more years with her yet
not fair really...really not fair at all
nite x
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
some people...
really need to take a long hard look in the mirror...
so i have often said (about some) 'how do they hold down a job?' but it's a pretty fucking sad state of affairs when the person you find yourself saying it about is actually someone that works for you (i.e. me, in this case...)
and frankly, i'm between a rock and a hard place...have never shied away from managing poor performance, but in this case, it could go very very pear shaped and there is not only my own brand at my new job, but reputational risk to consider...
fuck! it really is unfair how hard it is to manage these things...and the choices really open to me aren't exactly good ones...
so, that's about all i wanna (and can) say on the matter....
imagine me rolling my eyes in disgust as i say 'some people'...
nite x
so i have often said (about some) 'how do they hold down a job?' but it's a pretty fucking sad state of affairs when the person you find yourself saying it about is actually someone that works for you (i.e. me, in this case...)
and frankly, i'm between a rock and a hard place...have never shied away from managing poor performance, but in this case, it could go very very pear shaped and there is not only my own brand at my new job, but reputational risk to consider...
fuck! it really is unfair how hard it is to manage these things...and the choices really open to me aren't exactly good ones...
so, that's about all i wanna (and can) say on the matter....
imagine me rolling my eyes in disgust as i say 'some people'...
nite x
Saturday, August 20, 2011
perfect day...
yep, today has been just about a perfect day :-)
lazy morning, episode of law and order whilst enjoying a lazy brekky, first therapy session in nearly a month, lunch with best friend, followed by HOURS of shopping with best friend, then a quick cuppa at hers which turned into a cuppa, games with her and her boys, dinner, some more games and now just home...
mostly we played a game called articulate - loved it! must get it for future family games nights...and her younger son, who is usually pretty quiet, talked to me for hours tonight - about books, his english exam and how to do it, mbti...gold, pure gold
and shopping was good too! got a head start on the summer wardrobe with some skirts, tops, and even a dress! noice one...
and we didn't get our nails done which was the main reason for catching up - oh well!
i am so blessed to have such fabulous friends...blessed, really i am...
sooo now the perfect day is gonna end with a not so early night and another good day to follow...
nite
x
lazy morning, episode of law and order whilst enjoying a lazy brekky, first therapy session in nearly a month, lunch with best friend, followed by HOURS of shopping with best friend, then a quick cuppa at hers which turned into a cuppa, games with her and her boys, dinner, some more games and now just home...
mostly we played a game called articulate - loved it! must get it for future family games nights...and her younger son, who is usually pretty quiet, talked to me for hours tonight - about books, his english exam and how to do it, mbti...gold, pure gold
and shopping was good too! got a head start on the summer wardrobe with some skirts, tops, and even a dress! noice one...
and we didn't get our nails done which was the main reason for catching up - oh well!
i am so blessed to have such fabulous friends...blessed, really i am...
sooo now the perfect day is gonna end with a not so early night and another good day to follow...
nite
x
five weeks in...
and mostly it's good...actually, mostly it's great but yesterday the bubble was burst...
sure, it was inevitable and i should have known it would come...but for those of you that know me, you know that i live in a bubble most of the time...
so yesterday it was burst and i didn't enjoy it - memories of why i left corporate life came rushing back and i found myself thinking 'shit, am i really cut out for this?'...and whilst i may not be, what i do know is this:
turns out there are some very good people in the team, and with one in particular i had a great chat to today...he and i share some very real concerns, but it's great to know i'm not alone....
soooo the long week came to an end and as i left just after 4pm (very early mark by my new standards) to get my hair done, i felt ok about where things all ended up...
hair done, eye brows done, dinner with primary school teacher who i haven't seen since 1975 (was great - so much to catch up and just lovely to see her), watched blues lose to hawks in what turned out to be a close one...and now the moment i have been waiting for all week - bedtime
i have come to really value my weekends since returning to full time work and friday night is almost my favourite night of the week...sooo i'm going to warm up the heat pack, make a cup of tea and crawl into bed knowing i don't have to get up...
yay for weekends...
nite x
sure, it was inevitable and i should have known it would come...but for those of you that know me, you know that i live in a bubble most of the time...
so yesterday it was burst and i didn't enjoy it - memories of why i left corporate life came rushing back and i found myself thinking 'shit, am i really cut out for this?'...and whilst i may not be, what i do know is this:
- it's a great job
- i'm bloody good at it
- it doesn't have to be forever
- and reality of the global economic status is that my little biz may not have survived and i would have found myself in a situation where i had to take a job for money (at least this one, i wanted to take)
turns out there are some very good people in the team, and with one in particular i had a great chat to today...he and i share some very real concerns, but it's great to know i'm not alone....
soooo the long week came to an end and as i left just after 4pm (very early mark by my new standards) to get my hair done, i felt ok about where things all ended up...
hair done, eye brows done, dinner with primary school teacher who i haven't seen since 1975 (was great - so much to catch up and just lovely to see her), watched blues lose to hawks in what turned out to be a close one...and now the moment i have been waiting for all week - bedtime
i have come to really value my weekends since returning to full time work and friday night is almost my favourite night of the week...sooo i'm going to warm up the heat pack, make a cup of tea and crawl into bed knowing i don't have to get up...
yay for weekends...
nite x
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
and
suddenly it doesn't feel so bad...
so having spent a couple of minutes during the day (that's all i had in an otherwise very busy and good day) thinking about my realisation of this morning, i reached out to my friend Nat for some moral support...
she got how i was feeling (angry, pissed off and annoyed that venting my anger at him is no longer an option) and we talked about it, and then i asked how she was...
well, we had a lengthy chat about what's going on for her and in lending support to her, i felt better suddenly, and reminded of who i am and what i stand for...
it's true - a problem shared is a problem halved...
she also provided an interesting perspective on it and suggested that most likely his way of trying to get me to contact him was to arrange these so called friends to unfriend me, knowing how i might react and lash out...
well, that was the old me, she definitely woulda done that, but not now...
sure, i'm angry (angry as hell actually), but i'm not going to fall into this little trap, and whilst it pains me to do nothing, the only way i can ever put this shit with him behind me and move on, and to regain my personal power is to do nothing...
so, nothing it is!
and suddenly, it doesn't seem so bad after all...
nite x
ps sending out hugs and love to my friend Ossie who had a biopsy today...hoping for good news, so universe if you are listening, please let him be ok...thank you
so having spent a couple of minutes during the day (that's all i had in an otherwise very busy and good day) thinking about my realisation of this morning, i reached out to my friend Nat for some moral support...
she got how i was feeling (angry, pissed off and annoyed that venting my anger at him is no longer an option) and we talked about it, and then i asked how she was...
well, we had a lengthy chat about what's going on for her and in lending support to her, i felt better suddenly, and reminded of who i am and what i stand for...
it's true - a problem shared is a problem halved...
she also provided an interesting perspective on it and suggested that most likely his way of trying to get me to contact him was to arrange these so called friends to unfriend me, knowing how i might react and lash out...
well, that was the old me, she definitely woulda done that, but not now...
sure, i'm angry (angry as hell actually), but i'm not going to fall into this little trap, and whilst it pains me to do nothing, the only way i can ever put this shit with him behind me and move on, and to regain my personal power is to do nothing...
so, nothing it is!
and suddenly, it doesn't seem so bad after all...
nite x
ps sending out hugs and love to my friend Ossie who had a biopsy today...hoping for good news, so universe if you are listening, please let him be ok...thank you
bastard...
he's an absolute bastard....
so I notice someone we both know, someone I thought I was friends with has unfriended me and I am certain he's behind it
so fucking pissed off with him
and sure I unfriended him but seriously
pissed off, just sayin'
rant over...
bastard!
ps not sure why it bothers me so much, but it does, clearly it does...therapist is gonna be busy when i see her next :-(
so I notice someone we both know, someone I thought I was friends with has unfriended me and I am certain he's behind it
so fucking pissed off with him
and sure I unfriended him but seriously
pissed off, just sayin'
rant over...
bastard!
ps not sure why it bothers me so much, but it does, clearly it does...therapist is gonna be busy when i see her next :-(
Saturday, August 13, 2011
jumbos are my favourite...
yep, obscure title, possibly an obscure topic, but after 4 weeks in my new job i have decided that jumbos are my favourite plane...
i love the sound of the engine as it's starting the taxi/take off...i love the way they look...sure, some people love the more recently introduced 380 (and i absolutely do admire the feat of engineering that something so big can actually get off the ground), but i reckon the jumbo will always be my favourite...
as i find myself drawn to the window a number of times a day, i got to thinking the other day how nice it would be to be flying away on one...
and not because i'm not happy, or because i want (or need) to run away...but just because i love flying and i love travel...
so, might be about to time to start thinking about my next trip!
i love the sound of the engine as it's starting the taxi/take off...i love the way they look...sure, some people love the more recently introduced 380 (and i absolutely do admire the feat of engineering that something so big can actually get off the ground), but i reckon the jumbo will always be my favourite...
as i find myself drawn to the window a number of times a day, i got to thinking the other day how nice it would be to be flying away on one...
and not because i'm not happy, or because i want (or need) to run away...but just because i love flying and i love travel...
so, might be about to time to start thinking about my next trip!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
lonely...
yep, lonely is how I feel right now...
it'll pass, it usually does
but right at this very moment that's how I feel
and even though I know it will be ok and even though (bar the flu my body finally seems to have succumbed to) I am happy, I'm lonely and wonder when it will be my turn...?
so universe....when will it be my turn?
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
the importance of being sarah...
yep, you read it right! not the importance of being earnest, although that's relevant too...
so i just watched the season finale of Being Erica season 2...man that show always touches me in some way and i invariably end up feeling nostalgic and teary - and don't get me wrong coz i love it (bit like Eli Stone...)...
funny, i often think of how much i have changed when i watch it - how much work i have to done to get where i am today, how much that change drew a wedge between ben and me and occasionally, how much i miss him...
there was so much hope at the beginning of our relationship, of course there usually is at the beginning, or why else would we get together right? but it seems that as i grew and worked hard to 'be sarah' (not that i honestly knew who that was when we got together) i kind of hoped he would grow with me and support me, but nah, wasn't to be...
guess that's life really and whilst i do occasionally miss him terribly, i also know that we were just not right for each other....true, took me months to work it out, took me even more months to get up the courage to break it off, and even more months to heal, learn and move on from it...and yet i still hold a place in my heart for him and i'm good with that....
seems kinda crazy to spend 2 years of your life with someone and then not hold them dear in some way? don't you think?
but holding someone dear is different to holding onto them or worse, letting them hold onto you...or, as the case may have been, not holding onto your own dreams or who you are because of them...
sooo oscar wilde was definitely onto something with his book - actually not just this one, but probably all of them (haven't read them all of course)..
the importance of being sarah is what gets me through when i feel so lonely i could cry myself to sleep, when i wonder if things will ever work out quite how i'd like them to be, or when i feel a bit lost....
no matter what, i will always have me....
nite xx
so i just watched the season finale of Being Erica season 2...man that show always touches me in some way and i invariably end up feeling nostalgic and teary - and don't get me wrong coz i love it (bit like Eli Stone...)...
funny, i often think of how much i have changed when i watch it - how much work i have to done to get where i am today, how much that change drew a wedge between ben and me and occasionally, how much i miss him...
there was so much hope at the beginning of our relationship, of course there usually is at the beginning, or why else would we get together right? but it seems that as i grew and worked hard to 'be sarah' (not that i honestly knew who that was when we got together) i kind of hoped he would grow with me and support me, but nah, wasn't to be...
guess that's life really and whilst i do occasionally miss him terribly, i also know that we were just not right for each other....true, took me months to work it out, took me even more months to get up the courage to break it off, and even more months to heal, learn and move on from it...and yet i still hold a place in my heart for him and i'm good with that....
seems kinda crazy to spend 2 years of your life with someone and then not hold them dear in some way? don't you think?
but holding someone dear is different to holding onto them or worse, letting them hold onto you...or, as the case may have been, not holding onto your own dreams or who you are because of them...
sooo oscar wilde was definitely onto something with his book - actually not just this one, but probably all of them (haven't read them all of course)..
the importance of being sarah is what gets me through when i feel so lonely i could cry myself to sleep, when i wonder if things will ever work out quite how i'd like them to be, or when i feel a bit lost....
no matter what, i will always have me....
nite xx
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