vocal....

yep that's how i feel right now! and in years to come i hope i am able to look back on this time as the time when i found my voice...and man is it powerful! which given the events of the last 29 years, no wonder really...most of the voice (that seems to have been quietened that night) is now very much ready to talk about what happened and how it impacted her (of course, she maybe wasn't ready, but he turned up and as a consequence i have been forced to confront it all)...and so comes the voice!

right now i just feel angry though....so very angry.  sad too and when i start to focus on the sadness rather than the anger, that's when i start to lose hope that things will ever really be as i want them to be...

i have resisted venting my anger at him, but that just makes me feel worse - so i'm gonna try and tap into where that resistance comes from...of course some of it will be that in venting my anger and to him, i am doing something that couldn't do all those years ago: talk up for myself...but that 13 year old hurt girl is becoming a very loud and vocal advocate and actually i like what she has to say...coz she at least has no romantic fantasy about this man or what he represents!

actually, as i type the words 'romantic fantasy' i realise that pretty much all of the fantasy i may have had about him has dissipated, and what is left is not pretty...right now i don't like anything about this man (and this is probably a great place to move forward from)....

so vocal is where it's at right now and as i've been quiet (or should i say silent) for 29 years, there is a LOT of stuff that needs to be heard...then, and only then, will i be ready to move forward...so hold on for the ride, coz it's gonna be bumpy and at times sound very very angry - and that's because that 13 year old girl who couldn't find her voice then, is angry...and until she has had her say, she ain't gonna be quiet...