ups and downs, but mainly ups...

well here we are, some 3 weeks after (fuck is that all?) he turned up, and i can't believe how much i have packed into that 3 weeks....

i have spent a lot of time reflecting, reliving, crying, talking and mostly, just trying to understand...

of course he has gone conveniently silent - talk of 'i'm in balls and all', 'i'm here to help you heal', and 'i'll do the hard work' all but forgotten...by him...coz you know me, i rarely forget anything...

sooo now the difficult task of putting myself back together and in doing so incorporating the lesson that his turning up has allowed me to see...no small task i can tell you, but one i think that i am up for...

and i can't say i felt that way 3 weeks ago - i was literally devastated by not only his turning up, but his seeming ease in doing so...but as they say time is the great healer, and a few weeks on i am starting to have some clarity about what i want...interesting too that meditation tonight was about imagining the person we want to be...and you know what, for the first time in a long time i allowed myself to imagine myself as a happily married person...

there you go, i've said it out loud! yep, one of the dreams i have held onto since childhood, is still there - it actually always has been, despite my outward bravado at times, or derision of married life and all that it entials - turns out that was all a front...coz deep down, i really do want to meet my mr right and live happily ever after...

sure i realise that life ain't a fairytale, but i've had enough reality for one lifetime, and so i'm going to focus on learning how to trust again and seeing what that might bring...

it's funny, an ex popped back up on the radar (thanks FB) and i had been contemplating a little 'liaison' with him...but then i had a client today who mentioned she has this compulsion to keep going back to some of the men in her life and i had a bit of a 'wtf' moment...kinda like the universe sending me a clear message! and i'm not sure this guy is dangerous necessarily but he did hurt me, and badly, way back when, so it's kinda interesting that i have a desire to go back for more! of course the sex was bloody amazing, so that's most likely what's driving it, but it might be a good idea for me to check out if there are any other motivations laying dormant in my unconscious...coz if so, it is probably a good idea to get them into my conscious so i can make an informed decision...and of course i thought he had 'grown up' somewhat, and as i decided to have a conversation with him this evening he disappears (which is always what he used to do)...and all of a sudden the sexual motivation is even starting to dissipate...think i may have answered my own question in all of that!

ok well the calm that comes with meditation is still present so whilst it is, i'm gonna do my best to let it continue...bath and bed for me!

nite
xx