to be or not to be...

that is the question....actually, it's not! the real question is whether or not to share with him (again) the details of the blog....but i always did love shakespeare and, if i'm honest, a touch of the dramatic!

so i have to come clean with something....when we went to the beach, we came back here for tea, caught up on old times and for some reason i let him read the blog post from the night before....so then he read a couple of them and then i assumed (correctly it now turns out) that he would have misplaced the URL...i look back and think 'what the fuck was i thinking?' and of course with the hindsight of 4 weeks i know EXACTLY what i was thinking...

but in recent weeks as the posts have become very much an externalisation of what's going on in my head, i have wondered if he still had the details...and i am very proud of myself, because usually this sort of concern would stop me writing exactly what i felt needed to be written (see post about the inner critic)...nope, not this time...and of course, assuming he may still have the details, some of the posts are actually written (in part) as if they are addressed to him...

sooo in our conversation yesterday i enquired as to whether he still had the details and he said he hadn't, and that pleased me...actually i think i was relieved....but then of course, was it wise to ask? probably not, because now he has asked for the details all over again and honestly, i'm torn as to whether or not to share them...

so right now my biggest desire (other than to stop feeling angry, to work on my beliefs, to be able to trust again, all of which i need to work on myself) is that he understand what impact his actions have had on me - and i mean TRULY understand what it has like to be Sarah for the last 29 years.....and i'm unsure as to what exactly is driving this wish, but it's there and it seems as the days wear on it's gaining more and more momentum and it seems now, quite important...and i think that's because despite the things he may have said and why he claims to have turned up, there really isn't much he can do, but it would show me how serious he is about his guilt if he were to attempt to understand how it's been...to hear me (simple and yet very very powerful given what transpired)...

now, this won't be easy to achieve! i get that, but when do i ever set myself goals that are a piece of cake? i don't....but it occurs to me that him reading through my roller coaster of emotions (and it has been everything from dark dark nights to light ramblings of a somewhat crazy gal) over the last 4 weeks might actually help him to get what is going on for me...

and sure there is a part of me that thinks that i should be able to tell him all of this face to face, but you know what? i don't think i can....see in some way he is the reason i don't trust myself with men, with myself, and because of what happened between us i became silent....so trying to find my voice in his presence is incredibly difficult and even i am not sure i am up for that...my fear is that he will try to diminish the experience, that he will judge me, that he will have that incredulous look when i say something....or worse use his 3 minutes of counselling training on me...

and of course as i type this, i realise that perhaps that is a very compelling reason why i should attempt to find the courage (dutch or otherwise) to say it all to his face...of course, the blog would be an easy way out....for both of us..

so to be or not to be, that really is the question??