ticking off...

yep, slowly but surely i am starting to tick things off my to do list...the to do list for self that is! and on the whole it's good...it's nice to do things for yourself, but sunday mornings are always difficult....

tennis lessons, tick! meditation, tick! exercise, tick! xmas cards for clients finally written, tick! newsletter done, tick! singing lessons is now top of mind, just have to organise it...so going back over the last few weeks/days at least i have achieved some stuff (and today i'm putting a new toilet seat in my ensuite, so that is another 'tick'...)

sooo i had a lovely day yesterday - pottered around, put up my xmas tree, did the last of my xmas shopping, did my walk/run, cooked a yummy dinner, wrote the xmas cards for clients and generally enjoyed my day...

but the inevitable loneliness of sunday morning has now set in...and i don't like it...seems that sunday is one of those days where having someone around would make it complete...must confess that even in the last few months with ben, sundays were bad then too, maybe even worse than now...he never had any inclination to do anything (go to the beach, head to the shops, go see something new) and despite my efforts, nothing changed and consequently sundays were often worse than any other day...one of the difficult things to get over then was the expectation that something might change, meaning if he loved me enough he would make an effort - he didn't...guess at least i am no longer dealing with that!

actually they aren't awful now, but lonely yes....

and then i wonder if perhaps how i am feeling this morning is MORE to do with what's been going on in recent weeks and the toll it has taken, rather than the fact that i have very little planned today...which is actually not true! i have a STACK of things i need to be doing (more of those things on the to do list, but they aren't really for me this time) and i am having coffee with a good mate, but still the reality of coming back to an empty house is there...

my therapist and i were talking about my tendency to rush through things - and she means dealing with things emotionally, not physical stuff...and she's right! there is a big part of me that just wants all this crap to be over and done with (of course i don't know what that looks like exactly) but i want it behind me so that i can just not have it pop into my head whenever it feels like it and derail my day...ironically, she says her job is to slow me down :-( and i guess that means that instead of just rushing through how i am feeling right now and everything it's brought up for me, it does (on some level) make sense that i need to sift through things slowly, truly understand them and make informed decisions about what next...

sigh...

some days it succeeds and others it doesn't but lazy sundays seem to invite the sort of self reflection that often leads me feeling sad and alone and wishing things were different....

perhaps until i make a decision about whether or not i want to have contact with him and truly understand what is (in some small way) driving me to feel drawn to him, even though there is a much bigger part of me that can't understand that....the internal dialogue and resulting reflection will continue...

maybe once i am able to find the voice - the voice of that small person that wants something from him...maybe then i will be able to let it go....so perhaps whilst i am reflecting, i will try and tap into her voice, and hear what it is she has to say...methinks that once i hear what she says, and listen to, maybe the 'next step' will be clearer...

then and only then will it be possible to 'tick him off' the list....