thought i was feeling better...

but another bad nights sleep, a headache and a sore throat has made it really difficult to find any of the energy and resolve i thought was making a comeback lastnight...the weather doesn't help - i'm often gloomy when it is gloomy outside, or maybe it's gloomy outside because i'm gloomy...either way, i'm gloomy...

so now that i have done so much thinking and re-living it over in my head, i am tired...i feel as if i am slowly unravelling and i find myself feeling frightened about where that might end, or indeed, if it will end? at what point is there nothing left to unravel? and will that be good? or will it mean that i fall apart??

the tears haven't flowed as much today so i guess that's a good sign? it is right??? but i am still very sad and really angry (i don't like being angry - doesn't really suit me and i don't like the 'voice' that comes with being angry...the Sarah i know seems to disappear when this angry voice is in charge...) but i am palpably angry (note to him if you are reading this - i am so angry with you) and i wonder just how i'm going to be able to get that anger to dissipate...a mate of mine suggested boxing...of course i hate boxing so i'm unlikely to resort to that, but it is alarmingly appealing to visualise me hurting him....badly but of course nothing i could do to him could hurt him as much as he has hurt me, nor impact him for so long and worse, would probably only make me feel worse...

sooo a week or so on and it seems as though there is now pretty much only one unanswered question....so i asked him "i keep asking myself what it must mean about me (then and now) for you to do such a thing"...

and i wonder how i'm going to feel once we've talked about it...will i feel better? will i feel worse (not sure that's actually possible)...will i feel relieved? will it actually change anything? will it mean i can put this stuff behind me and move forward (read post of yesterday where i was resolved to do that...)....will it help?

so only time will tell i guess....but i wonder if the unravelling isn't a good thing...in that once it has all come out and i have been forced to deal with it, will i finally be able to put my unraveled self back together and move forwards?

i'm hoping that this time tomorrow i will have way more clarity...

nite xx