so it would seem

that the new vocal me is quite a hit!  and whilst i am not sure i want to say this, his unexpected arrival in my life has probably been the catalyst for that...and not that i'm giving him all the credit, but it's certainly made me think....my therapist might disagree, as she says she has seen this Sarah emerging over the last few months as i have worked through my break up with Ben, and she's right, but his arrival has kind of 'kick started' the process and has made me really confront some of the stuff that has been buried for a long long time...

so the new me stood her ground in a meeting with a client when i was sure she would ask me to further reduce my rate...she didn't! the new me asked another client for a 15% increase in my daily rate, and got it! the new me when asked by my dad to organise something for my birthday that was his idea, simply said 'i prefer you do it' and he did...the new me is finding plenty of ways to 'talk for herself' and you know what? i LIKE her :-) she is the sort of assertive person i have always wished i could be - but in being assertive she is not rude, and she is not aggressive and as she becomes more comfortable at identifying what she needs/wants, saying it out loud is also becoming easier...and i thought i would NEVER be able to be like this....

soooo the last few weeks have been hard, so hard that at times i thought i would just fall completely apart, it has helped me to rediscover a part of myself that has been quiet for so long...and sure, i don't think all the hard work is behind me and i'm certain the anger will continue to pop up when i least expect it (let's just hope it happens less frequently) but what i do believe is that i have started off in a new direction and now i have a taste of what being on that path is like, i don't think there is any going back...

sooo i'm not anywhere near ready to thank him for turning up but i am at least able to see things a little more clearly now the dust has settled...

so even though i didn't think i was ready to confront this when he turned up, the universe obviously knew something that i didn't....