slowly slowly slowly

that's how i feel but very slowly i am starting to become clearer on just what i want to achieve as a result of this man turning up in my life...

no doubt his arrival has turned everything on it's head and made me look at aspects of my life that i have long since packed away...and whilst that may have allowed me to not be hurt, it hasn't allowed me to move on...so in many ways, his turning up is surely the universe's way of letting me know that i just have to deal with this stuff and now...otherwise i'm not gonna recognise my mr right when he shows up...

i look back over the last 29 years and there are so many ways in which that night has impacted me and at times it's overwhelming to think that one incident can have such a profound and damaging impact on a human life....it's overwhelming now some 29 years later to have to relive some of it, but as i said to my friend Emma, the memory of what happened is in itself not traumatic...it's just an image that occasionally pops in and out of my consciousness...what really hurts and what makes me angry (although my anger is slowly abating) is the impact it's had on me, on my relationships, on my ability to trust, on my thought patterns, on who sarah really is....

they are the most difficult aspects to deal with...add to that the grief over my best friend, who i lost all those years ago (turns out i never grieved that at the time, so my anger is compounded by the grief and loss of this friendship)...add to that the 13 year old girl who had her first crush on this man (when he was a boy) and you know why my head has been in a complete spin...

but the spin is slowly slowly slowly starting to come to a stand still and what is becoming very obvious is what i want to do now...and what i desperately want to do is be able to move forward from this stuff...to stop it impacting the rest of my life, to learn how to trust again, to re-program some of my automatic negative thoughts and beliefs about people which i now know stem from what he did that night, all those years ago....

only question is do i want him involved in this process or not, and right now i am not ready to make a decision on that...i am not ready to say goodbye to him...but hearing him apologise and accept responsibility is unlikely to have any impact on me...really...actually there is one other question....i didn't respond to his last text and so now i am unclear whether the ball is in his court or mine...

sooo having given myself the weekend off and having fallen behind in so many areas of my life in the last 2 weeks (other than my recovering my inner sporty self, which is going well - seems i've managed to exercise 6/9 days and am feeling like some of the internal stuff is becoming externalised - now if i lose some weight too, i'm gonna be rapt!) i am going to give myself permission to enjoy the remainder of my sunday before an early night and then some mental preparation for the week ahead...

my hope for the next few days is that i can re-capture my focus on what is important, not let the past become my present and that the answers i am seeking will make themselves known...

nite xx