seriously, what is he going to do...

to help me heal? what could he possibly do to make the last 29 years seem better to me?  i keep coming back to this question...and honestly, i come up empty each and every time...

he says he's come back to help me, but i'm starting to disbelieve that...his motives (as i suspected from the outset) don't appear to be entirely selfless...and how could they be?

and so i find myself feeling angry again...which is a little bit destabilising because i thought after Monday night (seemed that meditation was a turning point) the anger had abated...

and sure, i'm not as angry as i was a week ago, but i'm angry...angry that what he did means i struggle to form decent relationships with men, angry that i seem to have (i realised this today whilst talking to a friend) pushed away any decent man that has taken an interest in me...obviously fearing that he will do what you did...so when they start to get close, i run away...i'm angry that you have a wife and kids and don't seem to value that like i would (a husband that is)...and i'm angry that you have to live where i am happy....

i'm angry too that you seem to be 'available' one minute and not the next, and of course, this is a function of you being married, but also, to me, it seems that in fact, it has a bit more to do with the seriousness of your intentions towards me...

so i'm angry, and sad...sad that even after what you did, i still have any expectations of you, sad that i believed you to be honest and here to help me heal...but the more i get to know you, the less i believe that, and i just end up feeling disappointed and resentful again....

so i think that next time you make contact with me, if in fact you do, you need to be clear with me - really really honest - not some 'story' you've concocted that sounds good in your head, but truly open with me about what it is you are looking for in turning up now...coz i don't believe that you are so selfless as to simply turn up for me...and given the impact you turning up and your suggestive and flirtatious behaviour, in addition to your distinct unreliability has had on me, i just can't seem to sift through all that and find a truly genuine reason...

so if you are reading this, which i actually hope you aren't, then grow some balls and be honest with me about why now...