resignation...

as the anger of the last 10 days slowly starts to evaporate, the only word i can find to describe what i am feeling is resignation...

and i'm not sure i'm happy with that! sure, it's better than the rawness and intensity of the anger, but in many ways it feels like giving in...

but really, what else is there but to give in to what i'm feeling, to what happened, and see where it leads? surely me resisting it all will just mean that it persists, and continues to stand in my way?

truth is, i've never been great at resignation or letting go or saying goodbye...and right now this is what i think is going to be the outcome of the 'situation' with this man...perhaps all of this is simply acceptance by another name?

it's funny coz even though i feel resigned, tonight i also feel strangely calm (like calm waters before a storm perhaps? i hope not as the last 2 weeks have provided their share of storms and i long for the smoother waters) of course meditation will have helped with my level of calmness, but even as i was driving home i felt strangely disconnected from any of my usual stress to get home in a hurry...and then i get to thinking about why that might be!

so i'm wondering if something the teacher said tonight has stuck with me - she said that often when we find ourselves in a traffic jam, we get agitated, angry and look for another way through the traffic, and when we can't find one, we simply won't accept that we are in a traffic jam which we cannot alter...worse still, we then assume that the traffic jam is standing between us and happiness, when really, happiness is a state of mind...so even in the midst of a traffic jam we can be happy...but it's all up to us?

that's is an amazingly empowering (and yet daunting) thing to know about ourselves, and whilst i don't liken my current situation nor emotional response to it, to something as trivial as a traffic jam, it's an interesting alternative perspective to consider....

so i'm going to crawl into bed - i'm going to try and sleep without medication (yep, sadly the one constant in my life since he turned up has been sleeping tablets - as i have struggled to quieten the voice in my head without them...) as i don't have to get up tomorrow...and i'm going to try and remember tonight's teaching as i make my way through my tuesday...

nite xx