reminiscing...

think i was talking about reminiscing last week and then it all seemed like a very bad idea...bringing up old memories, none of which were good, but tonight after i wrote my blog i decided to go back six months or so in time (and here is one reason why i love the blog - it is such a great thing to be able to read back over - and of course, coz it's typed and not in my usual hideously unreadable scrawl, i can, in fact, read it!)...

so it was amazing to go thru those posts and see just how happy i was sounding, to see how positive i was, when my health was really really bad and the breakup wasn't as much of a distant memory...and being honest, it's still not exactly a distant memory but as with everything, as time elapses the pain slowly subsides...

so i think having my own trip down memory lane was in fact a great way for me to remember who i really am and what is important to me - the events of the last few weeks have really gotten in my way...not just now, but historically and i think that actually it's time...

time to let it all go....

of course that's how i feel right now, and this time of day is typically my best time in terms of happiness, calmness and resolve...the mornings seem to be the struggle and it's true, i have NEVER been a morning person, but when things are bad i find it sooo hard to get going...

what's interesting is just how many realisations have come up in the last few days - and strangely enough they have come whilst i have been walking/running and now that the anger has started to abate...it's so true that anger does not allow the best thinking...in fact, i'm sure the neuroscientists would say that some part of our functioning brain shuts down or isn't accessible when we are angry and that is surely a good reason NEVER to make decisions when angry....

so one of the big realisations, which i had today, was that since that time i have NEVER felt comfortable asserting my needs over someone elses, and no bloody wonder hey? in that moment when i needed to put my needs first and assert myself, i couldn't....and therein lies the tragedy of it all...

but as i sit here tonight, calm and strangely happier than i have been in days (god, if it's mediation i must do more of it!) i am starting to realise that the only person suffering when i am angry is me...so i am going to do my best to let it all go, to forgive him, but more importantly to forgive myself....

ok, really am going to bed now! nite x