me sad...

and bloody exhausted - this stuff is exhausting...i had a great session with my therapist yesterday and now no longer feel the need to beat myself up for how i was with him when he first appeared - see it's apparently very normal (and i wouldn't know a lot about trauma as i have avoided studying it for obvious reasons) for me to have done that...it is kind of comforting to know that...

i also seem to have found my voice, at long last! and sure a lot of that work started in the break up with ben, but this voice is different, this voice has been quiet for 29 years and she is very very very angry...scarily so at times...and it seems that i am finding it difficult (and better still, wondering why i would bother) to sensor my anger that is directed at him...his reaction to this is that surely i must be angry at something else? if i thought that was actually funny, i could probably laugh but it just goes to show how little he knows about trauma...

so today i really vented - i let loose and you know what? it felt good...i don't think he can hide anymore and actually i'm not sure he wants to, but it seems that he oscillates wildly and that only leaves me feeling confused and disappointed, on top of hurt and betrayed...not a great outcome really whichever way you look at it...

sooo i'm starting to realise that this must have come up now so i can let it all go, get it all out etc etc (hence the blogging!) and then my life can become what i have always dreamed it would...

universe if you are reading this, then pls hear my wish...