lunch is cancelled....

and not that i should be surprised, in fact when i saw that there was a text from him when i arrived home from my walk/run (which bloody well hurt today) i knew it was going to be him saying he couldn't make it...i just knew it wasn't going to go ahead, and as such i haven't even bothered to respond to his text...what is the point? seriously?

sooo i guess now i will have some more time to think about what it is that i want and i can really examine whether or not seeing him and trying to make him understand, is actually going to be helpful and help me move forward, or whether in fact it is going to make me feel like a witness on the stand (something i would NEVER knowingly put myself thru)....there is something inside of me that wants to make him understand, although i have no idea how i can do that....Bec and I talked about this some during my healing session and she thinks it's because it's my way and it will help me do better work....

so maybe it's a good thing he's cancelled...i wasn't even angry when i saw the text, even though i thought i would be...and even though he thinks i will be pissed off i'm actually not...resigned is more like it...

i am angry however that my sister, after talking to me today saw fit to send me an email telling me that she thought i was depressed and that i should get help - how fucking rude is that? if she was more in touch with my life, not that i want her to be, she would know that i have in fact been seeing my therapist again for a couple of months and that help actually comes in many forms (a lot of which i am relying on right now)....people like her with their 'labels' are one of the reasons why people keep quiet when they are having a difficult time and what makes mental illness such a bloody taboo subject...so having a couple of bad days and being angry which is my assessment of what is going on for me right now and she thinks it's ok to tell me i'm depressed - good job she isn't a therapist really....and sure, a couple months back i too was really frightened that i might actually be suffering from depression (and not because i would be ashamed to admit it) but because it was bloody hard...it gave me enormous empathy for anyone who does struggle with it...

and added to that i have pmt from hell, had the sort of conversation with Ben i hoped never to have (although it managed to right itself, i think, in the end) and some rather disturbing dreams which had me wake up in a panic (don't you hate that?)....of course it didn't help that i also woke up feeling as though a truck had not only hit me but run over me repeatedly...i was tired and sad from the moment i woke up and had i not had a client to see, i'm certain it would have been a good day to have a 'mental health day' - one where i would keep conversations to a minimum and only interact with my tv remote....

what i realised during the course of today though (coz i also managed to have a verbal outburst at a fellow driver - an inconsiderate one no less) is that i am really very angry....and it is somewhat alarming for me to say that because i don't like the way it feels or the dialogue (inner) that comes with it...nor do i like the control i let it have over me...

soooo i'm going to take myself off to bed, and ponder on what it is EXACTLY that is making me so angry....and maybe only then will it start to dissipate...

nite x