lighter...

so yesterday my healer told me that i would soon feel lighter....and you know what, i do! of course it may not be permanent (but what is ever permanent really?) and it might fluctuate in coming days (seems to be the way of things for me right now)....but after a lengthy conversation with 'him' last night i do in fact feel lighter...i think so many of the things i needed to say to him, and him to me, were said and you know, it's so nice to be able to have some of that stuff off my chest...i have been carrying it around for so long...

he apologised, he acknowledged the impact on me, he told me he had NEVER forgotten, had always felt bad and he's turned up, not for him, but to help me....he even (when i told him a friend had suggested we go to counseling/mediation) said he would do that if needed...kinda blew me away actually, and it has helped me to see his arrival in my life as more of a gift than i had previously been able to see it as...and sure on some level, it's not gonna take away the experiences of the intervening period, but i think that it will absolutely help me as i try and i let it all go and move forward....how could it not?

i wonder how many people ever get such an opportunity? and sure it would be easy to be synical about it and say, well if he'd never done it in the first place that would be a better outcome, and of course, that's true, but what is, is and neither of us can change that no matter how hard we try...so i am resolved now to confront this stuff, work through it and make my life my own again...and it would seem, right now, that this will happen, with his help...

lightheaded too since i didn't get to bed til 2am and was awake just before 8am :-( but also the scales were kind to me today...when i stood on them instead of yelling 'you're fat, get off your arse and do some exercise' they said nicely 'hi, you are 3 kgs lighter...'...

sooo i guess slowly as the storm within abates, i am lighter....xx