step for me to delete someone's number from my phone, so i have done that with 'him'...and i haven't deleted it totally...in that i have removed him from the contacts section but have retained his number in the notes section - that way in an emergency i have it...
in an emergency! am i insane? what exactly would constitute an emergency in this scenario? not sure i've asked or answered that question, but there you have it...
the last few days have been kinda peaceful actually...i haven't heard back from him since thursday and the more i think about, the less i think he is the sort of person i want to be friends with...which really doesn't leave much else...
sure, initially there was the fantasy of him coming back into my life and me attaching some 'meaning' to that - some meaning, that probably has NEVER really been there, but hey it's what i do - it's that romantic (or shall we say deluded) part of me...but unless i am willing to consider an affair with him (which i am not)...then there endeth the romantic fantasy...or at least how it would translate into reality...
so that only leaves the 13 year old girl that he hurt terribly and she doesn't want to have anything to do with him...i had an interesting session with my therapist today (by interesting, i mean good)...in that we explored the various different voices that seem to have a say in what i do next...
turns out there is a small part of me that doesn't want to say goodbye to him, feeling in some way that i will 'lose' something by doing so...of course i have no idea WHAT exactly it is i would lose...but that's how it feels...and maybe the thing that i would lose or at least start to question, is that part of me that he hurt and the person i have subsequently become...perhaps if i no longer have anything to do with him it will be easier to leave that part of me behind, and forge ahead???
sooo undecided is where i am right now...but that's ok coz i'm not sad, i'm no longer as traumatised, i'm not angry....i'm simply undecided...don't get me wrong, i'm not happy that he is living here and a part of me wants him to go back to england where the hurt part of me thinks he belongs...then again he's been here over 4 years and i hadn't run into him before now, so maybe that should be some comfort...
sooo the deleting of his number is a start in a particular direction i think...wonder where it will go from here!
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