directions please?

yep, interesting title but i seriously wish there was a 'map' for this so called journey i am now on...with him in tow...

seems my delight at feeling lighter yesterday has dissipated somewhat although i managed to find my assertive voice this morning and i did something that felt good, even though it was difficult for me to do it - and of course not like i did it when the idea first popped into my head...oh no, that would be too easy - spent HOURS going over in my head whether i should or not, and then i realised that i had nothing to lose...so i sent off a text message to him which included a request! i felt somewhat empowered (and a little bit less pre-occupied) after doing it!

and maybe the reason i think the 'lightness' has faded somewhat, is that i am exhausted...see i haven't slept well in almost 3 weeks - the 3 weeks since he turned up and you know what, i don't know how much longer i can go without a good nights sleep and by good i mean 'without drugs'...(not illicit ones!)...sure they help me get to sleep but i wake up feeling a bit vague and i'm sure that ain't good...well, in fact, i know it's not good but what alternative do i have - i still have to work and function on some level, so honestly i can't find a good alternative...

of course the realisations keep coming too and whilst that is probably good, it is draining - and i got to thinking about trust and me today (actually i've been thinking about it since he turned up), and in that moment (all those years ago) i trusted him to do the right thing and he didn't, and that's a pretty hard realisation to have - not so much that he did it, but that 29 years later i still assume the worst in people...and this is not something i like...

adding to the feeling tonight (coz i had a great day yesterday and a good day today...only as i've become more tired have i felt worse) is a feeling of expectation...and i would be lying if i said i didn't have any expectations of him or what will happen between us.....and i know i shouldn't have expectations, but i do...and sometimes they seem to get in the way of clear thinking...and i'm not even sure exactly what these expectations are, but it seems that i expect something....from him....so it's gonna take some pondering to work out what it is i am expecting and maybe when i have worked it out, things will become a little clearer...

sooo it's bedtime for me now - i am actually so tired i'm contemplating not taking a sleeping tablet...hope i sleep without one...nite xx