butterflies...

not of the flying kind, but in my tummy kind....i have butterflies

so it would seem that my outburst of anger directed at him yesterday has had something of an impact on how seriously he is taking the impact his turning up has had on me...and seriously, who else can i direct it at? i feel compelled to externalise it, so he seems like the logical target so he says he'll call today, and he did in fact call....suggests a catch up next week (we have previously agreed to 'talk' about said issue in person)...since the last time we caught up he mentioned both Bathers and Watermark, i figure when he says where, that Watermark is as good as any a place to meet....of course it helps that i LOVE it there, has a great view, and the menu is delectable...all round a winner!

of course when i asked him if this was a plan that would actually go ahead or one that is likely to be cancelled he gave (what i'm sure for him is typical, but for me it's really not, but then again, how would i really know?) the sort of answer that does not fill me with any confidence...so who actually knows if it will go ahead...part of me (the sensible, not gonna be messed around by you anymore voice, is telling me loud and clear that if he cancels, then it says a LOT about how important (or not) this actually is to him...)

of course i now think that in agreeing to go somewhere nice for lunch with him, that i will have to behave with a reasonable level of decorum (not that i wouldn't) but some of what i think i want to say to him is actually not exactly the sort of thing one discusses in public! or is it?

it's funny, even the first time he asked me to describe to him the impact of what he did on me, i couldn't articulate it....i mentioned in passing how difficult it had been but i found i couldn't actually go into any detail or really be clear...and i felt i had failed (myself mainly)....seems easy to say it in a text and especially here but the minute i am asked to do it in front of him, i just lock up....and of course herein lies one of the reasons that many many victims don't actually report what happens to them (to anyone)....so it would seem that when your voice has been silenced by someone, the hardest thing to do is find it again with that person....which of course makes perfect sense...when i really needed to have a voice, his actions silenced it and in doing so set off a belief that for many years was unconscious...thankfully no more that i have held about myself.....seems old habits (especially this one) die hard :-(

he asks me how i am and when i say up and down, he responds with 'why?' is he stupid? or is he perhaps just a little bit scared (not that i should be concerned with his feelings in this regard...in fact if i have to factor in his feelings, i think any conversations i manage to have with him about this are going to be more harmful than healing)

so scared that he thought he could just waltz into my life, say he felt bad, was sorry, has never forgotten, wants to help me heal etc, but really deep down he is a little bit scared of just how much of an impact it has had on me? sure he says he wanted to see me, and i get that...i would want to see me too....but i think perhaps that he isn't ready to really hear the impact it has had on my life, and frankly, i'm a bit scared by it too....coz when i add it all up and realise what it has meant, it makes me realise that a large part of the last 29 years has been difficult because of him...

so then the butterflies...well, unlike the butterflies that i had when he first suggested catching up which were clearly the sort of butterflies one gets before a 'date' (this was the 13 year old who has a crush on him...seems the other parts of me weren't able to speak up at that time...and i have beat myself up enough about this, so no more...) but the butterflies that are there now are a different kind altogether, and ironically not like a butterfly at all - they don't feel light and free, but heavy and encumbered and i think they are very obviously fear...and i guess i'm going to need to listen to that in coming days....

he doesn't physically represent a threat to me but on some level i am afraid of what being with him will be like now that i have silenced the 13 year old girl with a crush on him (sure, that was easy to be her)  and whether or not i will be able to say what i want to say, express the anger i am feeling, make him understand how difficult it has been for me (and then i start asking myself 'why is it so important to me that he understands'?)...am i going to be truly heard or is he going to think it's ok to be flippant about the impact it's had on me to make himself feel better?

interestingly, the more i have thought about this i have realised that it really IS important for me to feel as though he understands...he can't do much else, but he can take the time to understand, without making excuses or rationalising it...he could just listen...and maybe that will be healing because he will have 'heard' me....

sooo it's time for me to start listening to what my body is telling me, butterflies and all....to tap into what it is telling me...

and i do love butterflies, it's true....if ever i get 'body art' then it will be a butterfly, when i'm walking and one flies past me it always makes me smile, i love the scene in You've Got Mail where she is on the subway (i miss New York) and there is a butterfly in her carriage, and so i am going to embrace the butterflies in my tummy, coz they ARE telling me something, even if it's not clear to me yet....