the big 'get together' is drawing near

and i'm not talking about xmas with my family...

before that there is a whole other hurdle for me to get over and as it gets closer, i am starting to wonder if i am insane - and by insane, i mean completely and utterly mad to even contemplate the 'get together'....

and no, i'm not talking about the possible summer sex which has been canned (by me)...

i am talking about this compulsion i have to meet up with 'him' so we can talk about what happened...so it's an interesting one and compulsion is the word for it - i feel (on some level, and i talked to my healer about this today) that i need to try and make him understand, as only then will he realise the impact his actions had on me, and only then can i move forward...

am i mad? really...

also i'm a bit afraid...not afraid of him (on the contrary, i think he represents no physical threat to me whatsoever)...emotionally too i'm not sure there can be any more trauma associated with what happened...what i am really afraid of is that some part of me might actually like him....

i've been pretty straight with him in recent texts, admonishing him for late night texts, telling him he needs to be honest with me and stop giving me mixed messages, telling him when he says he's busy that he chose the time to drop into my life not me...so of course in the midst of this little dialogue he says 'you don't give a guy a chance do you' and you know what? i saw RED....how DARE he say such a thing to me when he has been less than reliable and from my perspective has treated this whole thing very lightly...his response to me asking him what he was thinking sending a late night text was 'xmas cheer'...to which i replied that would be ok if we were either dating or friends, but since we are NEITHER of those things, it's out of order...

i wonder why he doesn't get this? i talked to Bec about this today and she believes that he is stuck in his 13 year old boy when he is confronted with me, and until he starts to move past that....i'm afraid that the 13 year old boy in him will manage to find my 13 year old girl and then what might happen? she thinks it's possible that on some level (possibly unconscious) he is entertaining thoughts of sleeping with me....coz if he does, then it will make 'the past' ok....

of course it won't - NOTHING will make the past ok, but this is what i think i am up against...and now you know why i'm a little bit afraid....

but the courageous part of me, the part of me that wants to extinguish the anger that has for so long been inside of me, the part of me that wants to be able to move forward....she wants to meet up with him and confront him...

sooo wonder who will turn up on wednesday???