acceptance...

so i had a very very long catch up with one of my best girlfriends tonight (an impromptu one too - aren't they always the best nights?) and we talked about the events of the past coupla weeks...

she too is a therapist (well, almost, actually that's how we met - we trained together) and so it was nice to share my story with her knowing that nothing but unconditional positive regard would be present - and this hasn't been the case with a handful of friends that i have felt the need to share this with....

she and i met only a little over 4 years ago when we started our training and have been good friends almost since day one, but our friendship really took off when we both started to realise that the relationships we were in, were going nowhere - so now, both of us single, have found solace in our friendship as we have attempted to integrate the loss of a partner into who we now are, and over the last year we have spent a lot of wonderful time together - none less so than tonight...

one thing we discussed (and hence the title of tonight's post) is closure v's acceptance! see i occasionally bang on about wanting closure on stuff (yep, you will have seen this if you have read past posts) and she suggested that maybe i could see it differently...and so began a long and interesting discourse on the difference and you know what? i actually think that maybe just maybe acceptance is what i am striving for and not closure...interestingly the word closure comes from Gestalt therapy which in itself is about integration so it's funny then that most of us use it in an entirely different way...

how does one get closure on the events of the past? not really sure, which in part is why i might have been struggling over the last little while, but taking the pressure off myself to get closure and instead focussing on acceptance and integration...well i think that might make things a little easier...well, that's how it feels right now!

soooo for the first time in weeks (i.e. since he announced he was here) i feel much more my old self...some of the anger has dissipated (that may be because i vented to him via some very lengthy text messages lastnight)....or maybe just maybe i am starting to come to terms with what it all means and how i can move forward...

funny, i was saying to Em, that the trauma i am experiencing now is not what happened that night, but what it has meant since then and the layers of evidence that have now been piled on top of that event making it my reality...and there are now 29 years of layers, so there is some fear that i won't be able to easily undo them...the trauma i am experiencing is that he shows up with his seemingly perfect life and it represents to me everything i don't have because of what he did...

it's funny too that she was telling me about an amazing 2 day course she recently attended (i would have liked to attend but decided the financial investment was too much right now) and how the presenter (an existential therapist) was saying that we can only change and grow in relation to others....funny then that as i read a book this morning about abuse and recovery, they too offer a similar perspective - that rebuilding trust can ONLY be done in relation to others....funny sometimes how the universe provides the same message over and over - guess i really need to listen to it!

and so now as i get close to crawling into bed (physically tired coz i stayed up talking so late and did my walk/run, rather than emotionally tired which has been the pattern of the last 2 weeks or so) i am left with pretty much only one thought: if i can learn how to trust people (and in particular men) again, then maybe just maybe the trauma of the last 29 years will start to disappear....

sooo i am going to go to bed with the intention of working out how i do this....so in years to come i don't look back on this amazing opportunity that the universe has provided, and wish i'd listened! i hear you universe...